Done with 2011!

I can not wait to be done with this awful year. Had more deaths, and a year of firsts, and it was the first complete year without him. It has been bittersweet. I say that because despite all the difficulties and obstacles I faced, I was always met with a compassionate friend, ear, someone to help me get through it. It has been tough getting moved out and starting over. Tough reestablishing rules with the kids as they continue to push limits. But good that we have gotten through this, and I know even though I can be tough to live with occasionally my kids will always know I am here for them.
I have been seeing a friend from high school and I can honestly say I am starting to feel happy, a little like the old me. I know he will never replace what I had, but I can be happy again. I am not completely heartless and "over" my loss either. I got a wonderful present from my amazing family, a bronze mold of his hand. It has been so nice to just hold it when I want to hold him, or feel his touch, but I feel again it kind of keeps my emotions on edge. I will always treasure it. I am creating a shelf of Kris, with his flag, pictures, memorials from his life so it is all in a special place so it wouldn't catch me off guard emotionally.
While I feel I still have a lot of healing to do, I feel I am making progress. I have grown, and I can recognize my strengths. I am empowered, but I still have so much to learn. I miss him everyday, but I know he is no longer in pain, and is waiting for me and our children to return to him. I look forward to that day, but until then I have learned there is so much left for me to do.
One of my earlier post I expressed how I felt like I had not grown or made progress in healing when I read through my past posts. A wise friend told me that the gaps in days I have written show I am getting along. I realize I have gone from posting on here daily to hopefully monthly. I can see a change in my attitude and in dealing with our loss. There are still days I feel broken, but I have learned to get up and move forward, even if I do get knocked down. Thanks to everyone who has been here for me with love and support. I hope I can return the blessings you have given me.

To date or not to date...

The topic of dating has come up more and more lately, from family, friends, support groups, even blogs of fellow widows/widowers. I have heard I am young go for it, I have heard it is too soon wait. I think I am ready and decide to go for it, I back out and decide it is too soon. The only thing I have come to a definite conclusion on regarding dating/ the possibility of remarriage is this. I am tired of being alone, I want to get out and have some fun. I miss date nights with my husband, and just talking with him. But I admit the idea of any kind of a relationship scares me. I am one of the fortunate people who had actually discussed it with my husband before he passed, although it was usually in joking, we discussed it. I told him if he remarried I would haunt him and her, but not to worry I would remarry. He told me he would want me to, and knew I would, his choice of funeral song even acknowledged it (please remember me, tim mcgraw at his request... everytime he played it he told me it was his funeral song).

So here is where I am feeling lost... my kids encourage me to go out and have fun, but don't like the idea of me remarrying. I have even had mixed feeling from fellow widows, saying don't rush, or a year is too soon. Yet I feel like widowers seem to have some kind of rush on things. The other thing is how do I "get out there" so to speak. I do NOT want to be one of dating site people... but I don't know how to go about this... Kris and I met in High school...I never had go through the whole dating scene... it scares me a little and I don't know where I would even start.

So for now here are my plans. I will continue working on school, focus on the kids, and make an effort to get out once in a while. If I happen to meet someone great... until then I am a single widow.

Perhaps I am moving fast for a widow... but as I mentioned, it seems widowers move a little faster... Kris and I always laughed because when suggested we read men are from mars and women from venus... we were so opposite. I had more of the male characteristics, while in many ways he the feminine. Perhaps that is why while I ache for him, and miss him constantly, I long for that companionship. Someone to talk with and communicate with late into the night. Perhaps it is because of this tendency to more typically think practically, I am looking for the way to solve it... solve missing my date nights, solve my lonely nights... I know he wants it for me as well... Just wish I didn't have to lose him.

Shower

So With this whole journey I have learned something have very mixed emotions for me. The main one being the shower. I feel like in most cases it is my only escape, I can shut myself in there away from everyone, my kids, the phone, the rest of the world who still have their other half. While I am in there however I have learned I can break down if I need to, and often times do. So when I really only need or have time for a quick shower, it kinda backfires and I spend a much longer time in there than intended, and break down. But I also love that feeling of the shower, because if I close my arms it almost feels like he is once again there touching me in his ever so gentle yet firm caress. While this is a nice memory and connection to him, it is also hard.

The other thing that is such a mixed blessing is his grave being right next to my mother's. While I truly mourn the loss of both of them, it is difficult to separate them, and grieve for one or the other when there is such a blatant reminder of them both side by side. Others have said they avoid the cemetery because it reminds them of the loss, and not the good memories, however I revel in the peace and solitude that usually evades me with a house full of our kids. It is some of the only alone time I can muster. But I also enjoy it because I have memories of Kris there. He would go with me to visit my mom's grave, and we would walk in the beautiful pond area and talk, it was peaceful, and gave me a memory of him there, one I don't have of my mom.

My kids, I hate seeing them hurt and I can't do anything to fix it. Often times I would think if I didn't have them I could get through this much easier, but then I realize many times they are what get me through. I just wish I didn't have to see them hurt so much.

The last is this house. It is his parents house, but it was our home the last 6 years. I am grateful for the memories we have here, and while I am not ready to leave it behind, I must. We have been asked to be out by the new year. While I think in the long run it will for the best, I will no longer have any obligations to my in laws, nor be tied to them, it is going to be hard to start somewhere new and know he would be going there with us. It is so hard to think of packing up all his things, and finding a home for them with out him. But perhaps this fresh start will be good for us.

Writing is another (wow when I started this I only had 2 or 3 things in mind, and now this list grows as I write) while it is a huge release, and a way for me to sort out my thoughts, going to school I find I am forced to write things I am not really relating too. I enjoy writing as a release, but because of that, I am hate feeling my emotions come to the surface, I like being able to deal them this way, but it makes other writing hard.

Getting out, I am so tired of being alone, but then I try to get out, go dancing or something, and another guy talks to me or asks me to dance, and I feel guilty at first, then weird to be with another guy, even if for only a few minutes. I really want to just get out on occasion, but when I think I am ready for it, I really am not, no matter how much I want to be.

Keeping busy, it is so good for me to be busy, school, work, extras, kids stuff... but then I think sometimes I get so caught up in the busy I miss out on the other stuff. This is why my job was only part time so one of us could be with kids, so they weren't alone often... and now it is turning into that. I hate it. So much for planning, now I have to be both mom and dad... it is good to keep busy, but am I giving myself time to mourn?

Forgotten...

I survived the first years, thanks to the love and kindness of many friends and family. They would take me out when I seemed down, or show up when I just needed someone.  Others who have lost a spouse have complained that eventually with time, others seem to forget. I just couldn't believe that. I thought for certain this awesome love and support I have had would endure as long as I needed it. Now don't get me wrong, I know they still care for me, and think of me. But I don't feel them being there for me. I miss company on weekends, several invitations to go to a movie, or grab a bite for dinner, something to get me out of my house. But lately I feel if I don't do the inviting, I find myself alone.

I had my first real glimpse of this forgotten feeling the week of the anniversary of his passing. I was already struggling, with not only his anniversary approaching, but other issues in life, and my in-laws choose that week to tell me I must be out by the first of the year. I think they feel that after 1 year I should be ready financially, and emotionally to move on... seriously! Then I have friends from the job I quit, that I worried if I quit I wouldn't see them as often... and I don't. I know they are busy with their own lives, but I miss those friendships. I know before I often was busy, and had to miss out on a lot of things with school, and my job, and kids... but I still would always be invited in case I could make it. Or if I was having an especially tough day I would miss it... but they would understand and still invite me.

Perhaps I am reading way too much into this, which I tend to do often, but I am feeling really lonely lately. I realize I need to get out, but it is hard to do alone, and most of my friends are married. But I still feel like I fit into that category, not single.

Our Last Night...

Sitting here on the eve of the anniversary of his passing, I can't help but picture in great detail the events of this night a year ago. Some of the details i am grateful to have such a clear recollection, others I wish would fade taking with it some of my guilt. I arrived home from work thanks to a kind friend dropping me off. While I sat and talked with her in the car, he came out and told me to hurry and escorted me inside. He had made dinner and gotten kids all ready for bed, but had set up a movie and popcorn and treats to watch a movie as a family, Harry Potter 6 so we were ready for the movie the following week. I argued the kids had school, but he insisted. After eating he asked if I would shave his head. The last act of service I performed for him while still alive. I am so grateful I did not put up the fight I usually did when he asked me this favor. After shaving his head, we laid down to finish watching the movie, since the kids fell asleep. We both fell asleep soon after. But I awoke in the middle of the night to his snoring and decided to go back upstairs so I wouldn't miss the alarm, and would be able to wake everyone up. I wish I had stayed with him all night for what was to be our final night together.

I find myself now, the early morning of the anniversary of his death, unable to sleep. I have remembered him by listening to his memorial services, he was so greatly loved, I just hope he knows that, for it is something he often doubted. He was my soul mate, and truer words were never spoken. We knew each other, understood each other, and connected with each other so deeply we were usually very perceptive of when the other was hurting. Many nights he would try to be quiet while he was ill and not wake me, but even still I would get up, noticing the large presence absent from my side. I wish now I didn't go back to sleep like he would insist, but would have stayed with him until he felt well enough to return to bed. We both knew the day we met we were met to be together. He told his sister he had met the girl he would marry, and I kissed him before I even knew his last name.

I miss him now more than ever. It still feels as if a large hole is missing from me, that despite being filled with love, and generosity, and kindness from family, friends, and strangers even, that missing piece will never again fit properly until I am once again by his side.

I have had some of the most trying weeks of my life recently, as this painful anniversary approaches, I am confident we as a family will get through this as we having with the huge loss of Kris. While I wish he was still by my side, I am grateful for the love and kindness shown to me this past year. For all the things I have accomplished on my own. For how brave my children are in facing this adult situation at such a young age. I have grown stronger for it, and know he has been with me through it, pushing me when I have nearly fallen.

To remember him I asked friends, family, classmates, anyone I have known to remember him on this anniversary in a special way. By performing an act of service, kindness, or compassion for someone else. The commitment I have received has brought a smile to my face every time I think about all those people thinking of him tomorrow. I am now inviting any of you who read this to join us, Saturday the 12th by performing an act of service or kindness towards someone else, and tell me about what you did here, or email me. What a great legacy to pass on from the tragedy of losing ones spouse at such a young age.

Looking back I wish I had posted more often. Someone wise once commented on a post in which I was feeling like I had not grown, nor become more accepting of my loss like I should. This wise person noted that they knew I was getting through because of the space growing between my posts. I feel like this was how I coped, and without writing here, I have been bottling up what I need to let out. So I am going to try to continue to keep this up more as I continue to face difficult challenges in my life, so I can watch as I work through the mix of emotions I have felt.

I made it the first year... not looking forward to the next, but I know I can do it. 

My reoccurring dream...

I hear often of widows or widowers who have lost their love and were blessed with sweet dreams of their lost love... I have not had that. I have been cursed with a dream that reoccurs often, and yet I oddly cling to it. I have put off writing it in all the details until now, and now only because it is haunting me.

I dream  that Kris is back, convinced he never died and trying to get back into his life. But it is not him, it is a grotesque copy of him, not zombie like but not him. Kinda back from the dead, but not really rotting or anything. We all welcome him back like it is not a big deal, but I find myself convincing the kids and him this is not right. He was dead, I saw him dead how is he back and alive, and he just tells me I am crazy and he hasn't even been gone. I am so grateful to have him back, but it is not real, and I know this and it disturbs me. I worry about finding sinking into a comfort zone and realizing it is not right. Then he leaves again. He is just gone, like death caught him escaping and took him back... and then I am stuck dealing with the kids who are once again distraught. I am distraught because of the kids, but relieved he is gone. That doesn't make sense, why would I want to have him gone? I think because I could see it was not really him. My dream varies every time. Like once I tried to keep him from going into work because they would freak out. Then another time I tried to keep him from touching me. And once I had to keep him from taking the car and picking up the kids.

I wish these dreams were pleasant memories of him, or his real self... not this artificial copy. Then I would long for them. But I hate them they leave me confused and frustrated, and yet I want to remain asleep for this glimpse of him... something... anything.

Faith

Now I will be the first one to admit I am NOT the most faithful church goer, or active in my church. But I did read something once about a study conducted that people to regularly attend church, any denomination, live an average of 10 years longer. I am always had my doubts, but found it interesting. This past weekend, I want out with a good friend out with some other widows. The people we went with were very sweet, and caring, and fun to go out with, but I almost feel like they were almost not moving on, or finding a new direction for their lives. I am NOT saying I am doing fantastic either, but in many aspects I think I was more forgiving(?). So I am also wondering if death brings you closer to church and God and such... or pushes you away. I myself find it hard to attend church most weeks and have to work up to it and prepare myself for it. But I see the benefits of clinging to my beliefs, even if I am not actively pursuing them currently. I have met several who have found so much comfort in church, and their faith, perhaps it is the people of your church who make the difference? Maybe the gospel of it? Either way... this post was to let those who worry about me (and my lack of attending church in the past 10 months) know where I stand, and to post my observations of others in my position... and finding something that comforts, and helps in dealing with their losses.

Our Anniversary...

A year ago I was surprised by a spontaneous stay at our favourite B&B. We had gotten the kids all away for the weekend, and were able to spend it together. WE both had work off, so while we were deciding what to do we passed the castle and made up our mind. we ordered our meals in, and ate junk food all weekend. Watched several of our favourite movies, and enjoyed a nice bathtub we both fit in... with bubbles. We hadn't packed anything and so we went to the nearby shopping center and purchased comfy clothes, for our brief outings, and toothbrushes. When we returned we decided to do something fun, just us still... so we went to Boondocks. There were several families there with their kids, and we felt a little guilty not having ours... now I am grateful for that time spend just us. We had a blast, were given happy birthday bracelets for our anniversary (I buried him with his). I carry the leftover tokens for the batting cage in my wallet. I am so glad we got new phones that day, I have a few pictures of him from that because of it...

 This year for my anniversary, the kids knew it would be a tough one for me, so my sweet daughter planned and organized some wonderful surprises for me. Made my favourite dinner, gave me a basket with my favourite treats, had friends write me notes that they were thinking of me. It was hard to not have him there to celebrate... our first one not together... but I was grateful for my sweet kids that helped me through it.

Who am I now?

I always thought I had a pretty good grasp of who I was. What I wanted out of life. Where I was planning to go. There had been several bumps, and forks in my path, but I was always able to know where I was heading personally.

I loved being married. I am not in touch with many friends from high school. Sure I am "friends" with them on facebook... but that is it. I have always had several friends, but they always seemed to change with where I am in my life. As a woman I felt I was always expected to have a best friend... that was a girl. But the truth was my closest friends I could talk to were boys. SO when I married, and I married young, most of my friends went different ways, and I lost touch with all my guy friends, since it wasn't really "appropriate" to continue those close friendships. But with Kris, he knew that I related better, so always included me when he would have his friends over. So I could laugh with them and joke with them.

I am not saying I don't have any girl friends, I have some amazing ones right now and I wouldn't trade them for anything. I just miss the joking around with guys, and hearing their point of view, and yes even the crude stuff I would often just roll my eyes at.

I miss flirting, I loved being a tease and flirting with Kris in front of his friends, I loved them teasing him when I would push it enough to embarrass him. I loved when he would come in my line at my cashier benefit job, and I could totally tease and mess around with him, and watch other customers act a little shocked until I explained he was my husband. I loved when he would come and watch me teach, even if it was for a brief moment. Only a couple weeks before he came in and watched me. I remember seeing him and smiling wondering what he was thinking. After class he told me how much he liked watching me, and he could tell how much I loved it... even when I was yelling.

I have tried going to widow groups and getting to know others who are going through what I am... but they don't know the me from before, so I don't think they get me. My friends are awesome, but I don't think they truly get what I am going through. I am grateful because I have recently reconnected with a friend from jr high and high school... he knew Kris as well, but more important he knows me from before. But I worry a little because he didn't know the married me. The kids kinda get it... but they are kids, and don't understand what I am going through.

I want to feel like me again. I want to finish school, I want to have a career, I want to raise great kids, I want them to succeed, But I don't think I know who I want to be anymore...

Death

Death is NOT fair... it strikes unfairly and hit hard. It has taken my mother, my husband, and now a close friend who was like a grandfather far to soon. Cancer was a factor in all of their losses as well as in both of my grandmothers premature death. My dear friends whose grandfather it was have had to deal with the loss of both their grandfather and their grandfather since February of this year. I have found several widow and loss help websites and they have all been affected by huge losses as well. Perhaps this death being the most recent close death I have experienced since losing Kris it has affected me harder. I know how my close friends are feeling losing their father, husband, grandfather, brother, friend, I am just aching cause I know how painful it is... and I know there is NO way to take away that pain. It is so unfair... and I am so sorry they also have to go through this.

Been a while...

I used to like seeing the gaps in my posts here, I felt it meant I was getting better in dealing with my grief, but my last post proved way opposite. I had held in in for much to long, it exploded. I lashed out with the emotion only a loss like mine could create... an emotion I had kept bottled for far too long. So after that rather depressing post, I got online a couple hours later and felt the warm encouragement, and true understanding of where that emotion came from. But to be honest going back and reading it was a little scary. Scary that after 38 weeks I still have that kind of raw emotion that needs an outlet.

I have tried to not hold it in all the time, if it hits, let it come. I have however still refrained from breaking down in front of my children, who seem to have been having an equally tough time. It still isn't easy, and I am still overwhelmed with everything going on right now plus my emotions. SO I have cut down a little on obligations, and I have tried to find time weekly to make to the cemetery where I feel I can express my emotions in private.

The other thing I have noticed since going back and reading, is that I am almost trying to not remember things about him. It has been so long since I posted a memory or something that reminds me of him. How can I expect the kids to remember how great he is, if I avoid writing down what made him that way?

So here is a memory. SPAM. He loved spam, and I could NEVER understand why. I complained every time he would get it, and finally he stopped getting it because he was tired of me complaining about it. SO the other day in the store (I rarely did the grocery shopping either, he liked it more than I did, since he did most of the cooking) and there it was, SPAM. I laughed to myself, and bought a couple cans. THen I got home and the girls whined, even after I told them why I got it, they refused to eat it when I cooked some up. And it was gross and I will probably never buy it again, except it really made me laugh that day.

Not in a good place...

I am not in a good place right now, I am so overwhelmed lately, and I feel like i ma just burying myself deeper and deeper behind my grief to try and cover it. I am not one that likes to ask for help, I am stubborn and independent and to admit I feel like I am failing is hard for me. But I am failing, I am failing in school, in work, in being a parent, in taking care of myself and the house... I feel like I need Kris here to talk to and it can't happen. I fall asleep and catch a glimpse of something that reminds me of him in a dream and I will myself to fall asleep. I want someone close to me to be there, but they have their own families, their own issues to work through... I am alone in this. I think what hurts most is I know the kids can feel my despair... they are pushing limits, doing things they never would have dared, and I am finding myself further and further from ... myself. I met a couple other widow(er)s from a group and I thought it would help... and while they can truly sympathize, they have their own issues and I am alone still. I hate being alone... I have never done well alone, and I have never had to be alone for any length of time. Growing up I had my parents, while Kris was away with the military I had my parents, when I lost my mom, I had Kris... I have always had someone as invested in me and my family and my interests until now. Now the kids are always fighting... and jump at every chance to go with friends, I find myself curled up in bed (which is still the couch) more and more often. I just want him here. I want my best friend that loved me and understood me. I don't want to be alone anymore. I want my kids to have a dad here backing me up when I can't say no. I want him. I miss him. I am tired of pretending I don't hurt. Help

Lost Limb

A friend and I went to see soul surfer at the movie theater tonight, it was just suppose to be a quick night out... but it truly got me thinking. I sobbed through the whole thing, and wondered why... until on the way home it dawned on me, when I lost him, I lost a limb. I lost a crucial part of myself that day, a part that I will never truly get back. I will be able to do many of the things I did before, just as I did before... but somethings I did before will be harder.

There were parts from the movie, that go along with my religion... that God has a plan for me... that I am still at odds with, but it did get me thinking. Why would God take him from me? from our kids? I may never know... and part of me would prefer not to know... what would I need to learn by taking my husband from me?

But overall I loved the hope it gave me... it will be a struggle for a while, until I find a new way to adapt... and I don't have to "win" or do things perfectly... just trying is HUGE...

A switch...

When I started this blog I wrote when I was having a hard time, a tough day, or especially missing him... now I find I am trying to write on positive days, and avoid writing when I am too emotional. I liked seeing how much I had improved I think.

But I have been having such a tough time lately, and I think I hate having to admit it. He was the chatty neighbor everyone was out talking to late into the summer nights, I hate pulling up and not seeing him standing there. I am feeling so overwhelmed lately, and I hate to admit I am overdoing it, I feel like that is admitting failure of some sort. I took on things to better our situation, some before we lost him, some after.

I hate the type of parent I have become, I hate being the bad guy all the time, it is easier to give in, and I hate what my kids are becoming because of it.

I am tired of having to be the strong one, and hearing how strong or well I am doing. Can they not see lately I am barely holding mine and my kids lives together. I think they are trying to help, but it only makes me feel worse. Like a false praise you don't deserve. Why should I be complimented on how I am doing without him? The days I think go the best... end in me sobbing, feeling guilty I AM getting by ok without him... I am not suppose to be ok without him, aren't I?

I miss having my best friend who is there solely for me... I have to be there for my kids, who are all at the stage where they are only there for their friends or themselves. My in-laws call to check on me and they end up telling me the same crap, I am doing so well, you are so strong, etc. and then end asking how I am doing it, they can't handle it, and cry to to me. My brother and sister have their own families so can only be there so often. And my dad, who is also a widow, whom I thought I could count on for help and support has remarried, and I feel has forgotten I need my daddy more than ever. I have great friends who are really trying, but my married friends still have a hubby to go home to... I want him back.

Triggers...

I wish I could pinpoint the triggers that would send me into a minor breakdown. It would make it easier to avoid them. I was told I keep myself busy so I don't have time to mourn. I think that is part right. I find it takes so much out of me when I do break down that it is easier to avoid it. And while I know many people are of the belief that it is okay for the kids to see me in hurt, I think hurting is one thing, but I don't want them to see me break down. That is when I myself give up hope, and want to simply curl up and cry, go to sleep and not wake up, and what good does that do for my children? TO see someone they need to look up to ready to give up? They have so much to live for (and I do realize I do to, but it is sometimes hard to face that fact when I am alone). They need to see me sad, and missing him, but not breaking down.

So today at work I had a little break down... not sure why it happens at the job I like least, but I was in the bathroom sobbing. Sobbing because I was looking at a picture of him on my phone. I miss how he felt, I miss hearing his voice. It has been over 7 months and I still have not washed his blanket he slept with, I go to sleep with it thinking it is him... but his smell is wearing off, and I know I need to wash it... but the thought of washing what is left of him on it makes me cry.

I just wish he was here... I miss him sooo much... I ache like a huge piece of me has been ripped out... and I know I will never get it back.

I survived

I survived what I think was the second hardest week of my life. It started with Father's day, which was tough, but I managed to get through it with minimum tears, and was able to be there for my kids. Then it was recital week. There were many times I almost lost it. He should have been there to help load the trucks, and watch the kids from the side of the stage, and play with all the babies there ( he loved babies)But he wasn't. He wasn't and it left such a huge gaping wound in my heart, that I thought had been slowly recovering. It is still so empty. However I survived it. I even got through my first couple of classes for my Junior year in college with hopefully passing grades, I don't know for certain yet.

Then it was the day I lost it. My dad's wedding day. He has remarried after being married for 32 years, and widowed for 3. I have very mixed feelings about this, but I can honestly say I am genuinely happy for him. But it was hard to be at a wedding without my husband, and even harder to be at my dad's after so recently losing my mom and Kris. I got through waiting outside the temple (I am from an LDS family, however have some unsettled feelings about God right now after losing my husband) okay, and even hugged my dad and stepmom(?) and told them congratulations, and that I am happy for them. Then they asked for a group picture... I lost it. I hate pictures lately, they can be divided between with him and without him. I ran off and let the tears fall after building up all week.

We are still missing him lots, as we always will. I can't get through more than an hour without thinking of something I wish he were here for, or realizing something he will be missing.

Father's Day...

(Look out long one coming at ya, it has been building for a while)

I am having the HARDEST time lately. I thought we were doing good, getting through as best we could, had a few minimal melt downs, then this day comes. This day to show our love and appreciation for our dad's, husband's, etc. I lost mine, my kids lost theirs. It is sooo not fair. I have felt so guilty because of all the years we kinda blew through the Father's day thing because of it being recital time (I teach dance and recital usually falls the week after dads day). He would be helping load the truck with props, finish last minute fixes, run to the store for last minute things I forgot, and all on his day to celebrate HIM. Sure he would complain, and I would just give him that smile and hug and tell him I love him, and he would grumble a lot... but he was such a great man he still did it. For me and the kids. I wish I had been better at making certain he knew how much we appreciated him.

I have always loved this time of year, since I was little. I loved being on stage and the center of attention, and recital time was made for me... and I loved passing it on to my kids. and poor Kris, he got sucked into it. I know he never loved it like I do, but he sure put up with it for me. I know there were times he was so jealous of my time spent there, but he still helped with any thing I needed. Getting ready for recital now has been harder than EVER. It was tough the first year without my mom. SHe would help with the sewing and costume repairs, but I had him to get me through it. Now I feel like I am just a wreck. We gather the other teacher and I to go over what still needs to be done, and when loading or props come up, I want to pipe up Kris can help with that. I hate that he can't.

I hate seeing the pain this is causing my kids. It will be the first he isn't there. He usually site in the boys dressing room for me, keeping them "quiet" but he would always make it fun. I hate that the kids have to see all the Father's day stuff, the constant reminder of what they no longer have. I hate hearing about plans to do stuff for father's when I don't need to make them. I hate that my Dad who should be especially supportive of my kids and I right now is oblivious because he is remarrying.

I am feeling SOO alone lately I feel like I am going to burst. I have heard that the kids need to see me cry and hurt too... but I can't, I see how much they are hurting, and then when they see me hurting they feel like they need to bottle up their hurt so not to add to mine... and how can that be good? So I have learned to stay up late and get the tears out, or awaken early.. or hide fast when they hit. My close friends try to be there and understand... but ultimately they have families that are still here, and they will NEVER be as invested in my kids lives as Myself and Kris were. I feel a lot of resentment towards my dad lately... and I shouldn't because I am happy he has found someone to share the rest of his life with since mom passed... but I do. I hate hearing him talk about her kids, especially when my kids still need a "father figure" of some sort around occasionally, and he should understand more than anyone having lost his wife three years ago. But he doesn't. He is clueless and I hate that.

Kris was the best dad and husband... sure he had his flaws, we all do... but he ALWAYS supported his kids, made it a huge point to be there for him, and for me. And I am sure that is why it hurts so much for my kids. I am tired of having to be the only strong one... we were such a good match for each other. Were strong for one another. He was tough when I would be too soft... I could soften him up when he was too tough. I just am really having a hard time lately... I miss his strong embrace. I have a had couple friends come give me hugs... and I appreciate it But they are not the hugs I want. I miss his. His huge embrace that would seem to protect me from anything. Even when I was most hurting I knew I could turn to him for protection from that, even if only briefly until I could take it on myself. Now I have to take it all on with out that protective hug.

I miss him... he should be here...

...

I don't want to do this anymore...

be alone
raise kids alone
work everyday
miss out on being with the kids
watch the kids without their dad
celebrate father's day without my husband
go through this without him

sometimes I just want to quit...

Missing him...

I have been doing pretty good, I have been proud of my accomplishments on my own, had a couple draw backs, kids slacking in school, my house suffering by becoming a disaster zone, behind in homework... but Overall I have been proud of myself for getting through all that I have done on my own. I have had my tough moments, and hard days, but gotten through them...

Then Last week I think I came close to just shutting down. I didn't want to get out of bed, go anywhere, do anything, just sleep. SO I came home from work and slept. Just slept. I have since been able to realize I am just a little overwhelmed and need to try to find somethings I can let go a little. My sister and my sister-in-law came Saturday and got a lot of cleaning done, so that has helped a ton. I can see a way to get through the mess now.

But then today I am just ready to cry at everything. Bren wanted his fishing license, I cried. I was feeling fat, I cried, I was trying to do homework, I cried. I went to the store, I cried. I think about my upcoming dance recital with work and I loss it. He never missed it. He helped me get everything done I needed to. I can't believe I have gotten through 7 months without him. I almost feel guilty for being able to function without him... I just wish he was here to tell me I am doing a good job.

Lost Desires...

I miss him so much. It used to be such a motivation to see his face when I got the house cleaned (I have always been a horrible house keeper), but now there is no one who will be as excited as he was. Only Me, and what is the point if I feel no one else cares? I used to love to see his face when I made dinner... sure it was usually a pathetic attempt (and not alway good) but he would be proud of me. Now I feel like I have this unattainable bar to live up to if I attempt to cook. He was the best cook, and the kids loved his cooking... they only ate mine because he said they had to.
I feel no desire to eat healthy or exercise, I cared about how I looked because I wanted him to take notice.

I hate feeling like not only did I lose him... I lost me too... and I want her back.

Missing my blogs...

Since starting back to school, I have not had the time to catch up as often as I would like on my blogs. When I am driving to school (a 30 minute drive) I think constantly of things I should ask and put out there, or I should mention this memory of him. But I forget, or don't have time when I remember. I feel a little lost without my my constant updates. I felt like if I update frequently, I get fewer "How are you doing?" questions with that look of pity you get so tired of. I hate that look. That look with the combination of pity for you, and how grateful they are to not be going through it.

I still hate hearing how strong I am, that we are doing well considering. I am doing what I can, surviving, living without a huge chunk of my heart. With every event, or struggle, I wish he were here to help. I wish he were the one offering words of comfort, not my friends and family that have their own issues to deal with. I know they want to help, and they are great... I just wish they didn't have to be.

I hate having to do the job of 2 parents, but even worse than that, I hate hearing it compared to divorced, single mothers, I truly understand there are those parents who's other half have chosen NOT to participate in the life of their children. BUT THAT IS NOT OUR CASE. He wanted to be here to help, he would be hurting to see me struggle. While I wouldn't "choose" to be divorced, I feel like I would MUCH prefer those circumstances... I could still see him, hear him, touch him...

I hate meeting people He would have LOVED. I feel like they missed out on knowing him. I hate seeing movies he would have liked, hearing music he would have played repeatedly.

I hate hearing people tell me I am taking on too much, I need to cut back somewhere. Busy is my coping mechanism, and I feel like I am handling stuff pretty well, but I do need to vent on occasion... and I lost my listening ear. He was good at just listening, not trying to fix it (it took a while for him to learn that, but he did... just like I learned if he talks about a problem, he wants suggestions) we were such a good match... I feel like an incomplete set now.

Why Now?

So I have "learned" how to get through this alone as best as I can, I think I am handling things as good as can be expected, then I have one of the days like today. I have felt tears inching closer to falling all say, and have somehow managed to keep them in. But why today? What set me off this time? I miss him so much all the time, but today while setting up work I found my thoughts constantly going to him, what he would think, or do, or say. How he would help, or do to help. I think of the times he would come into work, or things he would do out of the blue. I miss the random flowers, or presents just because he thought I needed it, or would like it. I like the days I can simply remember the could times, or I am calm enough in my grief to truly think about what he would say or do. But I hate not being in control of my emotions... I always have... and this huge loss has set me off even more than usual.

The Bath...

I was needing to feel connected to Him tonight, but it was too late to leave to the cemetery, and since I can't sleep in our bed at all anymore, I have used it for storing stuff while we are remodeling. So I locked myself in the bathroom and ran a bath. At first it was simply nice and relaxing, and then I pulled out my book I needed to read from school and a flood of memories rushed to the surface and the tears sprung from my eyes.

I remember sitting on the toilet and he soaking in the bath... to have fewer distractions and studying for finals with him.
I remember several times he knew I had had a rough day and would run me a bath to relax right away when I got home.
I remember many nights when he had been sick and he would escape for a while in there until he could go back to sleep.
I remember how we would always make certain our bed and breakfasts we stayed in for anniversaries, birthdays, getaways, had a nice big tub we could both soak in.
I remember planning in our different houses house we would remodel the baths to make them bigger so we could enjoy them together.

Now I feel comfort in the bath, I like to run the water on me and try to imagine it is his his arms wrapped around me, holding me tight. I try to imagine him looking at me... hopefully missing me too...

Kids

This is the current scenario I am disliking most. I feel I am getting by okay, things are going well, then the kids come home and have had a tough day. I hate that our bad days can't match, but then I think they may be tougher, because I would have to comfort even in my grief. But I hate that the fact that other kids at school, or church talking about their father's upsets them. They should remember they had a dad who loved to be with them, and I know that is tough that he is no longer here, but I think they need to realize some of these kids talking about it are from divorced homes and they ARE excited about seeing them... not just saying it to hurt them.(At least I hope that is the case, not that they are mean spirited kids who would say that just to hurt)

Now I do totally understand that jealousy aspect, I am jealous when people say they are going shopping with their mom, or their mom is watching kids. Or that it is their date night with their husband... my date nights consist of which of my girlfriends are free, or which of my kids aren't too sick of me.

I think I just needed to vent on be half of my kids. I hate seeing them in pain, it almost makes my pain intensify. There are so many times a day I think I wish He was here, just to talk to, I wish I could hear his opinion on this, I wish he were here to help with this. I just wish he was here.

It is here...

The final thing that I have had to deal with the mortuary about, his grave marker. I am glad it is there so people know where he is, and what a great man he was, but while death is obviously final... this seems to make it more so.

I hate seeing it, yet when I am having an especially tough time I crave that quiet cemetery where I can talk to him freely without judgement. Where I can bask in the quiet solitude near his and my mom's presence. I prefer to think he is close to me everyday, but I think where he helped in the decision of where to bury my mom, and we would walk around and enjoy the peacefulness of the cemetery together I know he is at peace there.

I am so tired of all the things piling up that I know he could handle and deal with much better than I could... I think that is perhaps why I am avoiding them until I need to... and that time is fast approaching. So I hope he will be here with me when I need him, helping me get through some of these things I need to get through.

Half a year

Six months have passed since I have seen his beautiful face,
touched his strong hands,
heard his sweet voice,
known his presence,
been able to confide in him,
I am missing him more than ever.

I started back to school and it was a tough week. The day I realized it had been 6 months was tough. I lost it twice at work, over silly things. A bookmark I carry with me all the time, I held it and saw him and missed that face so much. I was able to gain composure enough to go cash out for the day. The total amount had been 567.07. We had a silly fight about numbers, he favored 7 and I 5. So we compromised and had our wedding on the 6th.

I wish he was here to discuss books I have to read for school. I wish he was here to help with the kids. I wish he was here to offer encouragement. I wish he was here.

Woah...

It was been a tough couple weeks. I thought I was finally getting a hang of this new life alone, but things just keep popping up that throw me off. My dad's announced marriage, mother's day, being sick, getting behind on house projects, always busy and finding I never have time for everything.

My dad's big news...

So my dad called me yesterday and announced that is is proposing this weekend to the lady he's been seeing. I am genuinely happy for him. I didn't think it would bother me much, or that I would be upset by it, but I am finding myself constantly thinking about it. One of the feeling I am having I think is pure jealousy. With losing my mom first then my husband, I felt I had an ali in my loss, someone who closely knew what I was going through, and could be there for me when I had need of a companion. I think I am envious that he has found someone and is no longer alone. Now don't get me wrong I am in no way ready for a new companion, nor do I think my dad has simply gotten over the loss of my mother, I just found a comfort in not having to be the only "widow" at family events.

I find myself curious and wanting to know EVERYTHING I can about her. (I tracked her down on FB) I know I will never think of her as replacing my mother, or think of her as my stepmother. But I hope to become friends with her, someone to call for an opinion, or to go to lunch with or something.

I think I am just having a tough time with it being mother's day tomorrow. He would always go out of his way to make sure it was special, make certain the kids did something for me. Even when I lost my mom and wanted NOTHING to do with mothers day. I used to look forward to time alone. He would make a huge effort to take the kids out for the night and run a hot tub with bubbles and a book I was reading. Now all the kids are gone I hate it. I sit crying, or writing, or sleeping. I hate my fiction writing lately. I have tried several times to work on my novel I was so excited about and He encouraged me on... But now the teenage heroines father seems to die everytime I start working on it again... I don't want to relieve it like that.

I have so much I need to get done, but I feel like there is no point. I hate that my dad is out on a date, my daughters are babysitting so others can go out on a date, that the kids are all gone and I am stuck here alone.

My rating

If I were to rate myself on how well I was coping with the loss of my best friend, husband, lover, father of my children, etc. I would have to say I think I am coping/handling it fairly well. Sure on the anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, big events he is not there I get teary and emotional with everyone else. But as far as random breakdowns over little things, it has been kept to a minimum. In fact rarely happens no that it has been almost 6 months. But it hit this morning. Hard. Over the silliest of things. My razor. He would always still mine because he said it was more gentle. And would have me use mine when I shaved his head (he choose to be bald, and couldn't get all of it on his own). In fact the night before I lost him, I shaved his head.

So this morning all has been going well, got kids off to school on time, which is a challenge most mornings. And then I got in the shower... a rare occurrence lately since I avoid it because it is where I usually have my breakdowns. I lost it reaching for my razor. I sobbed uncontrollably and realized as well as I am, or may appear to coping. I am still so new to this life without him.

I want him here to scare me while I am in the shower. I want him here to be excited for me with all I accomplish. I want someone as invested in my kids as I am to be excited over small accomplishments. And I will not have that. I miss the late night chats about nothing of importance. I miss a strong arm around me at times like this where I am having a rough day. I am tired of hearing I look good from people and that I am doing well... it is the appearance I feel I need to keep up for my kids to able to get through this with as few hiccups as possible. I hate wanting to go try a new restaurant and don't have a date, or go see a movie and be a third wheel or go it alone. My teen only want to do so much with me, and how can I ask them to be a date for their mom all the time when they are at the age where friends are so important? If I want them to experience normal life as much as possible I cannot deny them this time they need with friends... I just need mine too. Which I am so grateful have always been there, and are always willing.

While I like to think I am handling things well, and for the most part I am, I am grateful for the wake up call and realize I am not as comfortable with my new life I have been dealt as I sometimes appear even to myself. I think of why I am able to function as well as I do sometimes is because of conversations He and I had for years, even since I met him. He somehow knew he would die young. I would blow it off to him, but would think to myself, could I do it alone? How would I? I also think of all the fights I had with him about his health. I felt he was not taking as good of care of himself as he should be, but was tired of the fights that would come from it. So I set it in my mind that if he wouldn't take care of him, I can't make him, and I need to be ready to take care of the kids and me. There are many days I regret this thinking, but I am glad I had in some ways freed myself of that guilt before so it wouldn't haunt me more than it does.

I hope my posts on here make sense. I never edit... unless there is a very obvious typo. I simply write how I am feeling at the moment, and hope it makes sense. As I have mentioned before it helps me to be able to write my thoughts down, and I hope it helps others to read them. I have found going back and reading from the beginning helps me see how far I have come in this process. I miss him so much. I hear that the kids dream of him, or that other widows dream of their lost loved one, and I am so jealous. I have only dreamed of him a couple times, and each time it is not the real him, it is some grotesque copy of him and that haunts me. I try to cling onto those dreams even for another moment, even to have that grotesque copy with me. I am so grateful for all the memories of him I do have. My daughter said to me she hates how everything reminds her of him because she is so tired of crying. I told her to write them down through the tears so she never will forget them. Because when she has gotten to the point where the memories bring a smile instead of a tear she will be so grateful for them.

Pictures

It has been a tough week with my son being baptized, and it being Easter weekend. I find it more and more of a comfort being in the cemetery near him, but I ache more as well. We survived this tough weekend, but looking at pictures at my sister in laws it hit me... He will NEVER be in a picture again. Sure this might seem like a duh moment, but when you realize that all your pictures can now be classified as before we lost him and after, they all seem to take on a new meaning. I have not carried my camera around as often as I did before... I think because I hate to think of all the events he will be missing.

Saturday the check for his life insurance came in the mail... talk about mixed emotions. At first I was so relieved and glad... then tears slipped out. These are the final things left on the checklist to get finished. I hate that this silly check is suppose to in some way make up for the loss of him. I know that is not the intention... but it is how it feels. I will be ordering is grave this week and hope it will be there by fathers day... Almost like a final present.

Who takes care of me?

So I have been really sick this past week, aside from an occasional cold or bug this has been the worst since I lost him, and it has been hard. He would always take such good care of me, and the kids, when we were sick. Running baths for us, fixing soup, getting gatorade, or slurpees, or anything that he thought would help. But the best was you knew he would be there. He would lay with me, hold me, keep me company and just watch movies until I was feeling better. I had a major break down yesterday when I realized how much I depended on him when I was sick. I used to have my mom as well, and she would be a comforting soul, taking care of me as well.

I still have my kids, but they are so self absorbed in those teenage years, they don't get that I need them. They try, and they are there as much as they can be, but it is not the same. So until they hit that point where they realize I need them as much as they need me (which is still a ways away) who do I have to take care of me?

I have some amazing friends and relatives, they brought in dinner and took kids for the night... but really I want what I can't have... him. Someone to hold me, and not care about getting sick, someone to pamper me, someone to put up with me whiny and know it is not really me and love me anyway... and I hate that I don't have that anymore.

Too Late...

I have been thinking for a couple weeks I really need to post on her how well we as a family have been lately.It had been a while since my last break down. The kids have been getting through the day fairly well. I have gotten a lot accomplished recently and finally realize I CAN do this on my own. Even with arguments with the kids there have been breakthroughs, and I can see where I need to toughen up, and where I can let things slide a little. I can see progress, and the hope of a final product on the house.

Then there was today. I had a couple of silly things happen that hit hard. First, at work I worked for the first time with someone new, and they commented, "So you aren't Married?" I quickly replied, "Yes... well I am widowed." It was the first time I had to tell someone that. Sure I have told people I lost my husband, and that he passed away... but the first I had to admit, I am not really "married" in the law sense any more. I will ALWAYS be married to him, but not in the current sense most likely implied.


Then I passed something while driving that reminded me of a recent time when he laughed... it was his hardy gut busting laugh. I miss it so much, I can almost imagine it, but it is not the same. I pulled over and sat and got some of the built up tears out.

And lastly, I invited a friend over for the weekend, but she said she would have the kids because her hubby was helping her grandfather, (our close family friend we feel like he is our grandfather), with some work on his lot... it was something my hubby would jump at the opportunity to help with, I started to suggest He could help... then bit my tongue quick.

Then the kids... I thought they were doing great too, they have been putting up a strong front. My oldest was really wishing HE was there for his concert this week, it was tough not having him there. My oldest daughter has been having trouble with someone picking on her at school... something HE was always willing and usually able to fix, with suggestions and support... My younger daughter had been sick, and missed him being there making her feel better... and my youngest loves remembering the good times... but on occasion they turn to tears, that he tries to quickly wipe away so I don't see.

I sympathize so much with them... but then I feel so hurt. Why do they feel he could have fixed ALL this, and I am there for support, offer advice, comfort, a hug... but I feel it is never enough. I understand they want HIM... so do I, but I am here still... recognize that, I need them to need me on occasion too. I am glad they hold him in such high regards, as to almost idolize him... but then I turn into the nag, the mean one, the strict one, who never lets them do anything. I just feel like I can't win lately.

Most of all I wish I had written my positive update so I don't appear like I am not coming to accept this awful tragedy our family has had to endure. Please believe me when I say we are doing okay... not GREAT, yet... but okay.

Sex

I miss sex. Not just the actual act, but everything that lead up to it. The joking the teasing, the romantic play. Coming home occasionally to candles lit in the bathroom, or rose petals leading to the bed. I miss the flirting. I miss the cuddling. I miss kissing his neck, or rubbing his back. I miss the way he looked at me as I undressed for him. I miss after sex, the laying with him, the laughing about it if it was less than ideal, or the heavy breathing if took a little work. I don't want anyone to mistake that I am some horny lonely women, but I wanted to put it out there. This is where I feel I can openly discuss my thoughts unjudged as a widow. I miss the intimacy we had. I miss his gentle touch, his playful touch. I miss how we would be silly and something romantic and sexual could turn into something playful, and wrestling. It was not our whole relationship, but it was a large part of it... we would laugh that even if we fought, we had great make-up sex to look forward to. I hope this post doesn't offend anyone, but I wanted to put it out there.

I miss him

We miss him. My oldest son has a ballroom concert this week... "He was finally not teasing me about dance, and now he is not going to be there". My oldest daughter tested in her MMA class (mixed martial arts) "This was his and my thing, and he isn't here". My youngest daughter ran into a referee at a fencing tournament who remembered him, he was always right there loudly cheering her on. "Where's your dad?" She could only quietly cry, and her coach stepped in to answer. My youngest son tries to be so tough, and even puts of the show... but I catch the glimpses where I know he is missing him.

We fit well, in EVERY way. Sure we had our arguments, but that was marriage right? Learning to live and accept someone else, faults and all. What I wouldn't give to put up with all those faults once more. When we first met he was always the talker, sure if you know me, I LOVE to talk... and do frequently. But I never really talk about how I am feeling. I will discuss things I am going through, to way too much detail... but rarely how I feel about it. I was the listener in our relationship... most of the time. After years of hearing him frustrated that I won't talk to him... I caved. I let it out, in hours of conversation. I miss that. I know there are several friends and loved ones who would listen in a heart beat, but it truly took living with him, and him asking repeatedly for me to finally break. As close and as sweet as my friends are, they don't have that kind of determination... they have their own families. Know don't get me wrong, Kris was not an emotional basket case who would cry and discuss his feelings routinely, I think he found what I learned others have found in me. I listen. I listen and I keep confidences. I am still amazed at how many people have easily trusted me with deep confidences, and many times very shortly after meeting me. I am proud to say I have never divulged any of them except regrettably my own husbands. A mistake that still haunts me.

As I mentioned I love to talk... I love to be the center of attention, but rarely is about how I feel, except superficially, like stressed, overwhelmed, etc. I miss my sweetfart (yes that was my nickname for him). I miss talking to him. I am glad I have the cemetery to go and yell at him when I need to... I just wish he would yell back on occasion.

Dreams

I used to have vivid dreams, I loved them since dreams have always fascinated me, since I was little. When He passed I stopped dreaming it seems like. I figured it was because I wasn't sleeping well. After a couple weeks of NO sleep, I remember having a dream of him. He had come back, but it was not him. He was not his teasing joyful self, the word that ALWAYS comes to mind when I recall this dream is grotesque, but not in appearance. I figured it meant he was really gone and no longer belonged here with us, and in some way it brought me comfort.

I have not had any dreams I have recalled since then. Something I hated, because He and I would always laugh about my dreams in the morning, he knew I liked them and there were some crazy ones.

Then last night I had one. It was about him, and it was more disturbing to me then the one were he seemed grotesque. He woke up like he had not missed a day. In the dream I was so excited and happy about him being back, but confused. I tried to explain he couldn't just go to work, he had been dead for 4 months and I was certain they replaced him. He said they would understand and everything would be fine, he would be back after work. I then didn't want him to go in case it wasn't real. The kids came out and hugged him, were a little surprised to see him, but then went on getting ready for school like it was nothing. I remember this reaction from them bugged me too. When he was trying to reassure me he would be back after work and that he was going to stop on his way there to clear up the misunderstanding that he was dead I woke up.

In some ways it was nice to dream about him, but I was so upset and confused by it. I tried to get back to sleep to continue the dream because it was such a perfect memory of him, he was just as he was... no flaws. I feel like sometimes my memory of him isn't quite right. His laugh wasn't right the way I picture it, or his eyes not the right shade. In my dream it has an exact replica. Then I remember waking up and being relieved it was a dream... like I would have been mad I had to go through these 4 months of grieving for nothing. I miss him sooo much, I just wish he could still hold me tight in his strong arms again, I always felt so safe and protected in his arms. Now I feel very vulnerable and lost...

A phone call

I got a phone call today, nothing even that spectacular, but it just set me off in a wide array of emotions. It was a parking ticket from my college, at least 3 years old. They simply left a message, for Him to call back at his earliest convenience. At first I was livid, did they not know he was dead? How dare they call so callous... I hung up from voice mail and called them back. informing them they left a message for my husband who had passed in November, and what could I help them with... and yes I was rather short. They immediately apologized and said it is taken care of. When I hung up I called the voicemail again... it was nice in a way to hear someone remember him... as if he were still alive... I listened a couple times, and realized that was silly, they didn't even KNOW him. I hung up, and cried.

It is so lame such a silly call could set off so many emotions... I didn't know which to feel, and why I felt them.

Saturday one of my young dancers asked a verify innocent question, one she has probably thinking about for a while. She asked if I was going to get a new husband. Adults have asked that less politely then this young girl and I have been able to recover quickly and answer with wit and poise. But this just brought me to tears. I think because the idea of it being so simple to a child scares me. Do my kids think it is that simple? Do others think that as well? The idea of being alone scares me, I have never had to be alone. EVER. But I think the idea of "replacing" him is even more scary.

I have a child hood friend who lost her father in a horrible way, he was murdered. She posted on her blog some of her thoughts and feelings about that awful day, and since then. I remember that day clear from when I was a younger, and thinking how awful to lose your dad so young. And reading that not only brought back my memories from finding out this awful news, but made me realize what a tragedy my kids have had to face in their young life. I think realizing that it has been 21 years since this tragedy made me realize that my kids have their whole life ahead of them, without him. I lost my mom at 32, and I thought that was far too young, thinking of all her grandkids life events she would miss out on. But then to think in terms of events my kids will not have their father for, weddings, graduations, grandkids... so many things I wish we could have celebrated together. While some of the things I realized while reading her account scared me a little, and even shook me up. It was a huge comfort to see she has emerged from her tragedy a beautiful woman, wife, mother... even without her father physically there. There is no doubt that her father, as well as my hubby will be there at every big event in their lives, and even the small ones... even if we can't see him.

back to the beginning

It has been a really tough few weeks. I thought I was doing pretty good, I have gotten kids where they need to be, and fed them, and made it to work most of the time so I can get a paycheck... but I feel myself shutting down more and more, and I feel so overwhelmed with everything we have to get done. I feel like my life has fallen apart enough with losing him. But then add to that the kids grades slipping, to the point I worry about graduating for my oldest, I feel like with everything that needs to be done on the house it is in such a state of chaos that that adds to our family's disarray. I love keeping the kids busy, I feel like it helps more than anything, to take their frustration out on something physical, but I feel like somedays that is all I do, running kids back and forth. I feel like between running kids and work, there is no time for me to get stuff done I need to. I manage to get out of the house on occasion because I go see a late movie with friends after kids are in bed and when it is too late to accomplish some of the errands on my list, but even that makes me feel a little guilty. Then there is church... I feel so resentful about so many things, but hate to simply shut myself from it if it is my only connection back to Him. I also need to raise the kids in a religion that teaches strong morals and values. But when leaders come and try to lessen my late husbands worth, and when he was around and I asked several times for missionaries to come by, but now when I want nothing to do with them they won't let me baptize my son without the discussions... a baptism the bishop wouldn't let him do because he wasn't attending church because he was too sick. I am tired of hearing how strong I am, and how proud people are of how well I am doing. If they saw me in the physical state in which my mind is all the time they wouldn't be saying that... however I know enough to try to simply do what I know needs to be done. At home is when I seem to shut down. it is where I feel most alone and miss him the most. I find excuses not to be here... take ALL the kids to do the running around, go pick up dinner, wait at the studio for kids to be done. Even the cemetery feels better then here some days... except when I leave I know he is still there and can't come home with me. I thought time was suppose to make this easier, but I just feel like I am failing more each day to function as I know I should. I am tired of people telling me not to take on too much, don't they get that it is the too much that is getting me through this? How can I tell the kids not to get overwhelmed when I feel that way constantly? I find myself reflecting more and more on those first few days of him being gone. Other widows have told me those are the days that are a blur, or they don't remember, but they come clear in my memory at night. Those first nights without him holding me. Or waking up with his arm around me, but not feeling his breath. I remember feeling like the first days I was overwhelmed with people that I wished would leave, and now I wish they were here, to help me just try to get stuff in order. I know people have their own lives to worry about, and I need to figure out mine on my own... but I don't want to. I feel like God took the 2 closest people in my life. Mom and my hubby. I feel so alone. I know I have loving friends and family that would be here in an instant, but it is not the same. They have their own family... while mine are gone. I am scared of being alone... but the idea of anyone besides him scares me more. I feel like I am truly back at the beginning... fully comprehending what lies ahead now because I have been through it for the past 4 months. I truly wish I could simply shut down... it would be so much easier... but only for me. Please don't misinterpret this... I am not depressed... I simply miss him and I am grieving what who I have lost. There are days I want to just lay in bed curled up and crying... and that would do no one any good... I like going to the cemetery, although the peaceful place we picked out for my mom, is now a place where I find myself yelling at Him, mom and God all in the same breath (and I am certain some of the passersby think I am crazy). While I love the feeling that I can talk to him openly there, I hate leaving... it is like tearing myself away from him. I started this blog for a dumb reason, I continued it with a new intention when I became a widow, not realizing what a blessing it would be to write freely of my thoughts and feelings. I have gone back and read thinking I have made good progress in finding a "new normal" as several grief groups have said we need to do. But only a week ago I was reading back and I thought how easy my grief process was going, at least that is how it sounded when I went back through. A few tough days here and there. I remember thinking, "I hope if someone new to this grief process finds my blog it doesn't give them a false sense of hope in conquering this grief quickly" I think my current post will set anyone of that thinking straight. While I find over all I am functioning as well as can be expected, the downs sometimes hit so hard. I have said before when asked how we were doing, the best way to describe it was that the stretches seemed to get longer, while when the hard times hit, they seemed to hit harder... and this one has lasted a few weeks and hits hard every time.

Whoa!

It has been a tough week... for all of us. Grief counseling went well, she did it for just our family, trying to reach our wide age range. The kids came home and wanted to hear the recordings of Him form his office, I warned them they were hard to hear, but I never expected how hard it would be for them. It resulted in a long tough night, I feel a little guilty hiding them from them for so long, but I felt like I was protecting them, but do I really need to protect them from their own grief?

But it has overall been a tough week. It was my mom's birthday (she passed in April of 2008) so I went to leave her some flowers. When I am having a tough time I like the cemetery because I am mostly alone, and I can yell and scream without anyone seeing me or judging me. I try to be so strong for my kids and for others who I know are having a hard time, and I hate looking vulnerable to them. Lame I know but I have NEVER been one to talk about my feelings, sure I am kinda a boob and cry easily, but that is not usually over things I have such a personal attachment too. For those I am the "Strong" one. I have always been independent in a sense... even though with Him passing it is the first time I have been "alone" while I am still not alone, I have my kiddos.

But back to my cemetery story. My sister in law came to visit His site, and happen to be their the EXACT time I got there for my mom (He and my mom are right next to each other)I don't want anyone to misunderstand, I am so glad that she can find comfort there as well... it just through me off when I was expecting my alone time to deal with a few things.

I am feeling so overwhelmed with other things right now as well... I am trying to get everything in line for going back to school, and finishing hanging paperwork, taxes etc. and trying to get the house somewhat organized so it will simplify our life when it gets busy. But with work, and kids activities I just never seem to have enough time for anything. And I have flipped... I went from never able to sleep and long restless nights, to always tired and never feeling like I get enough sleep.

I have not been as good about asking for help as I should be, partly because I know everyone has their own lives and things to be doing. I need to set a time however to recruit help, and try to get some major thing accomplished. I think mostly I just need to break down and do it, instead of giving in to my exhaustion and sleeping so often.

I just hope that this tough week is not a step backwards, and that we can continue to move forward as we have been adjusting to this new life we have been given. While the kids were having a tough time I asked the kids, "Haven't we been doing OK? Not wonderful, by any means, but OK? Do you think we would be able to do as well as we have if HE wasn't with us constantly helping us? I know he is with us, getting through this... we just can't see him..." While I hope this is true, I wish I knew it was more, and I hope I was at least convincing to them... because I am still struggling.

And also I am feeling so guilty, at night when I am alone, and it is the hardest, I am feeling so sorry for myself... and the idea of being alone after the kids are grown scares me so much... I don't want to be alone, I want him. But I know I can't have him so I wonder if I will ever be with someone else, and I feel guilty. It has only been 4 months, I should not be thinking like that... I know he understands... just listen to HIS choice of songs for his funeral... but I hate how those thoughts creep in my head.

Life...

I have obviously been struggling with a few things lately, faith, house work, organization, cooking, being alone, just to name a few. But I have to say, there are some people that have made this transition seem not only possible, but much easier then it would be to go through this alone. I have been struggling to continue going to my benefits job more and more, I am just feeling SO overwhelmed and that seems the one I would most prefer to cut, but it has to wait for a while until I get some things sorted out. But then I think how blessed I have been to be there. There are some people I have made such a strong connection to, I can't imagine going through all this without them, and I hate to think they may not be as involved in my life if I were to leave this job.

While I am missing him terribly, and hate facing the fact I remain in this life without him, I have to look at all that has been accomplished since he passed. I have gotten closer with my kids, been able to get back to school, regained my driving privledges, been able to get some repairs done to our home... and then I think how sad it took him passing to be able to do these things.

I have to look at the fact that he had been so sick lately, and in near constant pain, both emotionally and physically. No one should have to go through all that he suffered through. While I am feeling so alone and aching for him, I am so glad he is no longer aching as well.

I feel like I am doing okay lately, in some ways I had in my own mind had to force myself not to worry about his health if wasn't going to... something I now feel guilt over, as well as relief that I had mentally stepped back from it. I feel so much guilt over some things lately and I know I shouldn't but I also know that is a huge part of grieving. I feel guilty that I am able to accomplish these things only after he had passed. WHy couldn't I have stepped up before and gotten some of these things accomplished?

I know part of what is dredging up these emotions is the fact that this week I have been trying to get his life insurance filed/applied for. I feel like it has been such a tidal wave of emotion. I have mental spent this money 3 times over, and that makes me feel guilty. Gathering all the information for this has been like ripping the missing hole from me over and over again so shortly after it has begun to fill in as best as could be hoped for. I still don't know why I torture myself reading the police report and the autopsy... but I do. Please don't ask to read them, as I will not pass it along. It is of no benefit to anyone emotionally involved.

I hate seeing the kids in pain as well, I hate that there is nothing I can do for them. I am an adult and this is the type of trauma you never want to feel, and my kids have to go through it so young. I think they are coping and getting through okay, and then I catch a glimpse of them hurting, and we both crumble. I wish I could make it not hurt for them, I almost feel like my being here and he not, they resent me for it a little. And I know they really don't but I especially see it when I have to be the Strict mean parent... and be soft about it as well so they don't push too far away. That is my biggest fear that one of the kids will push too far away in this huge cloud of pain they need to get through.

I think part of my posting was both one of gratitude and a plea. If you know me and my family, PLEASE continue to be here for us. Help with little things when you see we may need it. Offer to be there for my kids if they seem to need a fatherly friend. I like to think I am pretty independent, and can do things on my own... but I find more and more, I am only fooling myself in this way of thinking. I welcome the offers for help, even if I seem reluctant to accept them. Most times I am simply too busy with kids activities to be there when help is offered. I feel I am constantly driving my kids here and there... dinner has turned into which fast food have we NOT had this week... He did almost ALL the cooking. Lately I feel there is little or no room in my schedule for much else, so please keep asking, I will eventually come around, or find the needed time to accept the help I need.

Thank you, and please continue to be there for me and my kids.

Others...

Today was my birthday, and while it was hard without my soul mate, I realized I still have such an endless number of people who love me I should not feel so alone. While it was tough thinking the one I wanted to be there wasn't, it was still so wonderful because I had many who were there. I had a birthday cake for me at my book club, and then I had a party from some close friends at work. Then I was able to spend a day with my kids which was wonderful... and still have a couple people who want to get together.

I don't want anyone to misunderstand, I miss my love more than I could ever express properly in words, however while it has only been 3 months since he was torn from my life, I have realized it is not worth focusing on what I am missing without him. Because if I dwell on that fact, I will miss out on all the people who ARE here for me, and truly love and care about me. And what a tragedy that would be to neglect those who are here for me in this world, for someone who no longer is. I truly believe we will be together again... we better because he is going to get an earful, especially for leaving me to raise 3 teenagers on my own. (it will be 4 for about 3 months at some point)

There is however 1 thing I have found I am regretting more and more lately. I had always taken pride in doing things for others, and being there for others. Now being alone to raise my kids, I find I have little or no time to help others as much as I would like to. Please know while I may not always be good about returning the hundred of favors and love shown to me, I will always be willing... if not always able. At this point in time, the most I can hope to help with is being a listening ear if anyone needs to talk.

So while I was missing Him terribly, it was still a wonderful birthday, with tons of well wishers and a couple of GREAT surprises. My kids got me an ipad, and I even was given an unexpected gift from my hubby. A favourite restaurant of ours takes pictures of guest celebrating special occasions, and posts them on their walls, which are COVERED. He and I went often, so I was certain there would be at least one. SO we looked around, and then asked if they had the older ones somewhere. They brought us a stack on albums, and we all searched, and found a picture of he and I there for his birthday a few years ago. I broke down. Even on the other side of this life he send me something, a wonderful memory I will always treasure. Thank You my love.

A tough kind of week...

I have been sick with a cold since his birthday, but the kids have been soo sick in shifts lasting 3 to 5 days, all of them with a lingering reminder of their bout with the flu, whether it be no voice, or a cough. The toughest thing about dealing with this flu bug is missing him. I have heard others suffering from this virus saying their husband's are whiny, and babies when they are sick. MY hubby was not, he would go to work sick the whole time, after being up all night sick. But he would be sick and take care of me... I would come home feeling sick... and he would be sick too... but he would have ran me a bath, and taken care of kids.

Now I love him, and I may sound like I idolize him a little now... which I am sure is normal when you lose someone... but he did have his faults... but who wantsa to be remembered for those? It benefits NO ONE.

One of my daughters friends lost her brother in law this week, leaving behind a young wife and children. WHen I heard this it brought back all those awful memories of him when he first passed. It reminded me how recent it still is, even though I have continually moved forward, when it hasn't been easy.

Then I also found a book from the library I have been reading... and I have very mixed emotions about it. I really like the idea and concept of it... I am just resentful of how it ends. It is about a man diagnosed with cancer, and he has young girls. He decides to gather some important men from his life to be his "voice" to his girls. I love the idea, and it has been very inspiring. I find myself wondering who in His life would be a good representation of his "voice" to his children. I cheat and read the last page of books all the time... (that way if it seems to end badly I can not read it and save lots of time... really it makes sense to me) But he survives it. WHich is great, but I recent that he went to this effort... and still is around for his girls... but my children don't have their father.

I haven't had any major break downs really, just silly things have been tough. Like my oldest son. We seem to clash more and more lately, and I NEED to figure out how to get through to him, and it is even harder because I KNOW He always could. I miss having a date night with him. Even if it was just to the grocery store for treats and a new movie at home. I have been able to get out and have a couple girls nights... but it is not the same. I hate being alone. And I know I am not alone, I have my kids and I know he is "with" me. But I still hate that feeling of alone.

I have realized how strong I am in this... But man I wish I didn't have to be. Just once I would like to be able to lean on him again, and didn't have to be so strong.

Grateful

There are always things going through my mind all day that I think I should post about or comment on... several times I wonder which blog I should do that... But lately I have just been grateful for all the help and support I do have. One night late in January when I had written lots (which is my main outlet for my grief) I just needed to hear from someone else who had been through such a huge loss... and maybe even young like me. So I went to the all knowing google. I found 2 sites in particular, a forum for young widows and a chat group for anyone dealing with the loss of a loved one. At first I found great comfort in them knowing others had gotten through it... but the more I searched the forum and hung out in the chat room I realized I am so blessed. Some of these online friends have no one in real life to support them, to lean on, to go to for comfort, or even just a good cry without judgement. I do. I have friends more than willing to come help clean my house at a moments notice. Willing to drop what they are doing and run my kids to one of their various activities. Willing to just listen and not judge, or think I need to move on if it is an especially difficult day.

I have said it before but it took me a long time to be able to ask for help when I need it... and I still find that hard sometimes.But I have gotten better at it. I am grateful for the listening ears in the chat room when it is late, and I just need to vent, and I hope I have in some way been a comfort to them as well... I am glad I have an anonymous forum to vent any of my frustrations and get feed back from others who may have had those same frustrations. But most of all I am so glad I have friends and family that are there for me, and not rushing my grief. Friends there for my kids, and stepping up when needed for extra support. Thank You.

With that I want to post a simple warning to anyone else reading this, who may be grieving as well... be careful. Don't get sucked into such grieving that you can't get out. I have found in some of my online searches for comfort, and even in some of the grief counseling groups I have taken my kids to, there are those who are grieving who have lost what is still here... life. They are so consumed in the loss of their loved one they cannot find the strength or the courage to move on. While the loss of my sweet husband is so consuming, and haunts me constantly, I have 4 beautiful kids to live positively for, I am still so young to be identified as a widow. I mention this because I do not want those I care about, and those who may find comfort in my writing to think I am stuck in my grief, that I have not embraced the life I still have, even though it is without my best friend by my side. Please in your time of grief do not be sucked into those people that thrive on their own and your misery.

The Little Things

I have found I am getting along pretty well on a day to day basis considering... don't get me wrong, I miss him horribly, and find myself just aching wanting him to hold me at night. but I am finding the things that seem to hit me hardest lately are the little things. He was SO smart, I find myself wishing I could call and ask him things I forgot, or I want his opinion on. He could name ALL the US presidents from memory in order. He could calculate numbers in his head quicker than you could enter them into a calculator, if we wondered anything about US history at work we would call and ask him. I hate that he is not accessible to me anymore.

He was all disgusting teenage boy too, he thought it was the funniest thing to fart in bed... and it would gross me out so much that many of our late night fights would be because he stuck everything up... What I wouldn't give to have him fart in bed... I don't think I would even complain.

My driving, he complained about my driving so much... even though I taught him how to drive. Every time I come to a stop sign I hear his voice in my head remind me to stop completely that the tires roll back.

I am the worst housekeeper EVER that was another sore subject between us... and keep wishing he would come get upset about the house... I might even clean it if it brought him back... I just miss him so terribly... and it seems there are so many little things that set me off. I am grateful for these small reminders, while they still hurt. I find myself watching TV shows he liked that would annoy me just because they remind me of him.

Thoughts...

In the last few weeks there have been many things cross my mind I have wanted to write about... but when I sit down to do so... the words don't seem to want to come. But I have a minute and want to get some of them down before I forget them.

First of all last week a huge sign from the kids that we are starting to get back to "normal" the kids played "slug bug" in the car... a game they would always play with dad... i am not sure why that was such a big breakthrough to me, but it was. It made me realize that we were going to be okay, and we would still continue with things he taught us, no matter how silly.

I am feeling guilty lately now to... I find myself feeling kinda needy... I will simply call people for the sake of chatting... not usually like me. I love to talk don't get me wrong, but I am not one to call to just chat. But I am so lonely I crave that adult conversation. Then I get irritated with myself when I find myself kinda flirty with guys... I think because it is such a part of me, and always has been... but I had him to flirt with. I am not on some warpath to find a new man by any means... I just miss that part of me. And I cringe every time I catch myself acting like that.

Lastly... crying. I was known as the girl who cried at the drop of a hat. Now I hurt so much, I wish the tears would come to simply ease the pain, as some sort of a release... but they don't. I really wish they would. I feel so hard... and it is not like me. I feel like I have been forced to toughen up since he has been gone, but I hate that my emotional, sensitive self has seemed to take a back seat. I understand going through something so huge like this will change someone... but I don't like it changing such a huge part of me. Sure I hated being teased about it, but it was who I am... now I feel so hard, almost callus. I know my close friends won't think that of me, but I feel that way deep down. I just want my sensitive, self back. And maybe I am numb still, and that is why I feel that way.

I have wondered lots if he thinks I am doing a good job with our kids. Getting all our stuff handled... then I get mad with all the shit he left me to deal with. I have had lots of people telling me I am handling this well, and how strong I am and how impressed they are... but I feel like i am just doing what needs to be done... Nothing spectacular or anything... I think they just feel like there is nothing more to say and they simply are glad they haven't had to go through this. I would never wish this on anyone, and I have heard of people that have gone through this that it made them stronger and they are grateful for that... and I feel like I have always been strong... this has just forced it to the surface... I just wish there had been another way to have done that with out losing him.

I miss him so much it aches... and I feel like some people underestimate the connection we had. We knew we were meant for each other from day one, he was one of th e few people I could truly talk to and be myself around. I have several friends whom I can be different aspects of myself self around... but none as free as him. There are always certain parts they won't know about me because I feel the need to shield it from them. I think I miss that about myself the most... but then I miss him so much, just knowing he is there, to hold me, or be there for me.

Tattoo

This is a confession of sorts, this post. On our sixth anniversary we got matching tattoos, our first. They were of the rose that was on our napkins at our wedding. They were both suppose to be purple, but the tattoo artist convinced him purple was NOT masculine, so he opted for red instead. He went on to get a few more, strength and honor across his back, sempre tentare (latin for try always) down his calves, the American flag with NO FEAR beneath it, and favourite up until his last, a tribal band with a purple heart in the middle with all the kids initials in it. He most recently got one a little over a month before he passed, it was the only visible one in his work clothes, jeans and a short sleeve button up shirt. It said, My Name "My queen, My wife, My love..." It is the last line spoken by the Spartan King in the movie 300. While he may have been looked down upon by some for his tattoos, they all meant something important to him, and he made certain they were personal, not showing, except his last one. I got one other tattoo, a daisy, before he passed. But if you know me, you know I have issues with odd numbers... so I have felt for a long time, I needed one more, my last one. I had actually talked about getting it before he passed, but he said he didn't want me to because getting your spouses name was bad luck... when I asked why he could break that rule he said you are my everything, I like this reminder of how important you are to me always visible. So I got my last tattoo for his birthday. It is the same words engraved in both of his rings I gave him, his promise ring after we dated a year, and his wedding ring. It says His Name, "Love Always," My Name. While I know that there may be some people who frown on this, especially since the church I belong do frowns upon it as well, I am very proud of this, and it means so much to me. It started as something we did, feeling a little rebellious, we were married so young and started our family so young, we were bound to have a few rebellious streaks, right? I like that both of our last tattoos were for each other. It was hard being there alone having it done without him, but I did it. All my tattoos are hidden, so it is something private for myself. I felt like he was so much a part of me, I wanted it to show. It was even a little symbolic the pain of it, having him not with me... but I know we will be together again...

What he thinks...

I miss discussing things with him, theories, movies, bad days at work, teachers we are having a hard time with at the schools... Sure I can talk about that with other people, but it is not the same. We would do it until late into the night. I miss him arguing a point, for the sake of arguing... then realizing he really agreed with me, and finally quitting. He loved music. I often hear a song and wonder if it would be one he would like... become a favourite on his play list. and of course I wonder what he would do if our circumstances were reversed. How would he be handling being alone? Does he think I am doing a good job with the kids?

I feel like with the loss of my love not only do I seem to follow the "stages of grief" I slip back into previous stages with new info, or unexpected memories... I feel like I have been on autopilot since last week... in that numb stage. At times I feel so broken... but the tears won't come. I know he is gone, but I feel like the exact memory of him is fading. I have a copy of his voice, but even when I hear it, it is not quite right. The pictures don't feel right either. They look like him, him who should be coming in the door around 7:00 after work.

Even though it has almost been three months, it still feels so unreal. I think when I am online late at night, I should hurry and get off, or Kris will start nagging me... I only wish he would. I considered picking up a set of earrings for him for his birthday... he was ALWAYS losing the balls on his. It was bitter sweet to sing Happy Birthday to him last night. Sure it is his birthday... but he is no longer aging... forever 33.

I am feeling SOOO alone lately, I find myself wondering if I will ever have someone to talk to that will care about silly things with me again... and really care. I know I have tons of friends and family, but they are not as invested as I am, or he was. They have their own families, their own homes. I am not wanting to remarry or anything... just don't want to be forever alone. My kids are there, and very supportive, but I miss Him.

Official...

It has been a tough couple weeks, knowing his birthday was coming up. But then silly things have made it harder. I hate getting all the tax info in the mail. The idea of filing and making it official that he is deceased is just too much. I know he is gone, why do I need to prove it to the government in writing? I am not looking forward to filing, return or not. It was hard enough to mark the widowed box on my college application.

Then to add to my tough week, I got a call from the mortuary with the official death certificates, it was like going through admitting he had passed again. The cause was not a surprise, I think I had known the cause all along. It was not either of his diseases that ultimately took him. It was the pain killers to help him that did. A little too much, in a bad combination.

I have not been able to tell anyone, that would be admitting the pain got to him, and he was so much more than that. It was hard enough to see it for myself, to have to tell someone would be hard on them and me... so I have avoided it. I finally can't seem to keep it in anymore, but I am not ready to talk about it, so here I am. I didn't want to withhold it from his loved ones, and I know they will be asking soon, so this is my way to avoid it. I only ask this, if you are wanting to know the details, please give me a couple days to digest it, file the taxes and paper work involved with life insurance, and come to accept what , if I am honest with myself... I already knew.

I have been doing okay, not great, but not broken still either. And I feel like this document has brought me back to the beginning again. I find though that I have flipped a little, I am wanting to sleep ALL the time. I have been so motivated in getting things done that have been needing to be done, but now I have no desire, no drive, and just want to curl up and cry... but the tears don't seem to come. I find I am feeling more and more alone. I have lots of friends and family for support... but it is not the same. Sure I can call and be excited about silly things... but they don't mean as much to them as they would him... no matter how much they want to. No one else is going to be excited about little things I am getting done on the house. Or the kids getting a good grade, or me having a great day... or the griping. I just want him to be there went I am SOOO mad about something, and he can vent with me, or side with me. Then at night I am feeling soo alone. I just want to have him hold me, or listen to me chatter about nothing. In one hour it will be his 34th birthday. We would have been the same age for a month...