A switch...

When I started this blog I wrote when I was having a hard time, a tough day, or especially missing him... now I find I am trying to write on positive days, and avoid writing when I am too emotional. I liked seeing how much I had improved I think.

But I have been having such a tough time lately, and I think I hate having to admit it. He was the chatty neighbor everyone was out talking to late into the summer nights, I hate pulling up and not seeing him standing there. I am feeling so overwhelmed lately, and I hate to admit I am overdoing it, I feel like that is admitting failure of some sort. I took on things to better our situation, some before we lost him, some after.

I hate the type of parent I have become, I hate being the bad guy all the time, it is easier to give in, and I hate what my kids are becoming because of it.

I am tired of having to be the strong one, and hearing how strong or well I am doing. Can they not see lately I am barely holding mine and my kids lives together. I think they are trying to help, but it only makes me feel worse. Like a false praise you don't deserve. Why should I be complimented on how I am doing without him? The days I think go the best... end in me sobbing, feeling guilty I AM getting by ok without him... I am not suppose to be ok without him, aren't I?

I miss having my best friend who is there solely for me... I have to be there for my kids, who are all at the stage where they are only there for their friends or themselves. My in-laws call to check on me and they end up telling me the same crap, I am doing so well, you are so strong, etc. and then end asking how I am doing it, they can't handle it, and cry to to me. My brother and sister have their own families so can only be there so often. And my dad, who is also a widow, whom I thought I could count on for help and support has remarried, and I feel has forgotten I need my daddy more than ever. I have great friends who are really trying, but my married friends still have a hubby to go home to... I want him back.