Thursday, July 28, 2011
Not in a good place...
I am not in a good place right now, I am so overwhelmed lately, and I feel like i ma just burying myself deeper and deeper behind my grief to try and cover it. I am not one that likes to ask for help, I am stubborn and independent and to admit I feel like I am failing is hard for me. But I am failing, I am failing in school, in work, in being a parent, in taking care of myself and the house... I feel like I need Kris here to talk to and it can't happen. I fall asleep and catch a glimpse of something that reminds me of him in a dream and I will myself to fall asleep. I want someone close to me to be there, but they have their own families, their own issues to work through... I am alone in this. I think what hurts most is I know the kids can feel my despair... they are pushing limits, doing things they never would have dared, and I am finding myself further and further from ... myself. I met a couple other widow(er)s from a group and I thought it would help... and while they can truly sympathize, they have their own issues and I am alone still. I hate being alone... I have never done well alone, and I have never had to be alone for any length of time. Growing up I had my parents, while Kris was away with the military I had my parents, when I lost my mom, I had Kris... I have always had someone as invested in me and my family and my interests until now. Now the kids are always fighting... and jump at every chance to go with friends, I find myself curled up in bed (which is still the couch) more and more often. I just want him here. I want my best friend that loved me and understood me. I don't want to be alone anymore. I want my kids to have a dad here backing me up when I can't say no. I want him. I miss him. I am tired of pretending I don't hurt. Help
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4 comments:
I really wish I had words to say. Sometimes it just sucks, and hurts and there isnt any other way around it except to go through it. You shouldnt have to pretend it doesnt hurt - your only hurting yourself more with that. Sometimes you just have to let it happen, let the pain come. Hang in there, and it will get better. Promise.
Allison-
I wish I could say something that would help, but I know I can't. But I do know that when you have commented on my blog entries...I felt a little less alone. My boys test me all day...in ways they never did before...and I understand how frustrating that feels. I also don't take well to asking for help, but I'm trying to more often. Give yourself a break...you are doing your best in a difficult situation.
Sean
Thank you both of you... it was so nice to come feeling beaten after writing this and see your encouraging remarks. I am so sorry we are all in this situation, however I am grateful to have your support... Thank You
found your blog through a friend. I just wanted to say my heart is with you. Honey I wish I could give you some relief. the only thoughts that I had where that Death is just a thing that happens. We can't help it, our bodies aren't perfect they are not yet meant to be. I don't think God plans our deaths so much as he knows they will happen. the planning comes for after it happens because the other is inevitable. It isn't a punishment and it isn't permanent, though it surely does feel that way at times. there is no wrong in feeling grief it just means the loss was great. But though I don't know you, I do know you have the strength to do this. you CAN do this. You are strong, be strong! I wish there was more comfort I could give you (if I was able to give you any) but know that you are thought of even when you are physically alone.
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