In the last few weeks there have been many things cross my mind I have wanted to write about... but when I sit down to do so... the words don't seem to want to come. But I have a minute and want to get some of them down before I forget them.
First of all last week a huge sign from the kids that we are starting to get back to "normal" the kids played "slug bug" in the car... a game they would always play with dad... i am not sure why that was such a big breakthrough to me, but it was. It made me realize that we were going to be okay, and we would still continue with things he taught us, no matter how silly.
I am feeling guilty lately now to... I find myself feeling kinda needy... I will simply call people for the sake of chatting... not usually like me. I love to talk don't get me wrong, but I am not one to call to just chat. But I am so lonely I crave that adult conversation. Then I get irritated with myself when I find myself kinda flirty with guys... I think because it is such a part of me, and always has been... but I had him to flirt with. I am not on some warpath to find a new man by any means... I just miss that part of me. And I cringe every time I catch myself acting like that.
Lastly... crying. I was known as the girl who cried at the drop of a hat. Now I hurt so much, I wish the tears would come to simply ease the pain, as some sort of a release... but they don't. I really wish they would. I feel so hard... and it is not like me. I feel like I have been forced to toughen up since he has been gone, but I hate that my emotional, sensitive self has seemed to take a back seat. I understand going through something so huge like this will change someone... but I don't like it changing such a huge part of me. Sure I hated being teased about it, but it was who I am... now I feel so hard, almost callus. I know my close friends won't think that of me, but I feel that way deep down. I just want my sensitive, self back. And maybe I am numb still, and that is why I feel that way.
I have wondered lots if he thinks I am doing a good job with our kids. Getting all our stuff handled... then I get mad with all the shit he left me to deal with. I have had lots of people telling me I am handling this well, and how strong I am and how impressed they are... but I feel like i am just doing what needs to be done... Nothing spectacular or anything... I think they just feel like there is nothing more to say and they simply are glad they haven't had to go through this. I would never wish this on anyone, and I have heard of people that have gone through this that it made them stronger and they are grateful for that... and I feel like I have always been strong... this has just forced it to the surface... I just wish there had been another way to have done that with out losing him.
I miss him so much it aches... and I feel like some people underestimate the connection we had. We knew we were meant for each other from day one, he was one of th e few people I could truly talk to and be myself around. I have several friends whom I can be different aspects of myself self around... but none as free as him. There are always certain parts they won't know about me because I feel the need to shield it from them. I think I miss that about myself the most... but then I miss him so much, just knowing he is there, to hold me, or be there for me.
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