I survived

I survived what I think was the second hardest week of my life. It started with Father's day, which was tough, but I managed to get through it with minimum tears, and was able to be there for my kids. Then it was recital week. There were many times I almost lost it. He should have been there to help load the trucks, and watch the kids from the side of the stage, and play with all the babies there ( he loved babies)But he wasn't. He wasn't and it left such a huge gaping wound in my heart, that I thought had been slowly recovering. It is still so empty. However I survived it. I even got through my first couple of classes for my Junior year in college with hopefully passing grades, I don't know for certain yet.

Then it was the day I lost it. My dad's wedding day. He has remarried after being married for 32 years, and widowed for 3. I have very mixed feelings about this, but I can honestly say I am genuinely happy for him. But it was hard to be at a wedding without my husband, and even harder to be at my dad's after so recently losing my mom and Kris. I got through waiting outside the temple (I am from an LDS family, however have some unsettled feelings about God right now after losing my husband) okay, and even hugged my dad and stepmom(?) and told them congratulations, and that I am happy for them. Then they asked for a group picture... I lost it. I hate pictures lately, they can be divided between with him and without him. I ran off and let the tears fall after building up all week.

We are still missing him lots, as we always will. I can't get through more than an hour without thinking of something I wish he were here for, or realizing something he will be missing.