A phone call

I got a phone call today, nothing even that spectacular, but it just set me off in a wide array of emotions. It was a parking ticket from my college, at least 3 years old. They simply left a message, for Him to call back at his earliest convenience. At first I was livid, did they not know he was dead? How dare they call so callous... I hung up from voice mail and called them back. informing them they left a message for my husband who had passed in November, and what could I help them with... and yes I was rather short. They immediately apologized and said it is taken care of. When I hung up I called the voicemail again... it was nice in a way to hear someone remember him... as if he were still alive... I listened a couple times, and realized that was silly, they didn't even KNOW him. I hung up, and cried.

It is so lame such a silly call could set off so many emotions... I didn't know which to feel, and why I felt them.

Saturday one of my young dancers asked a verify innocent question, one she has probably thinking about for a while. She asked if I was going to get a new husband. Adults have asked that less politely then this young girl and I have been able to recover quickly and answer with wit and poise. But this just brought me to tears. I think because the idea of it being so simple to a child scares me. Do my kids think it is that simple? Do others think that as well? The idea of being alone scares me, I have never had to be alone. EVER. But I think the idea of "replacing" him is even more scary.

I have a child hood friend who lost her father in a horrible way, he was murdered. She posted on her blog some of her thoughts and feelings about that awful day, and since then. I remember that day clear from when I was a younger, and thinking how awful to lose your dad so young. And reading that not only brought back my memories from finding out this awful news, but made me realize what a tragedy my kids have had to face in their young life. I think realizing that it has been 21 years since this tragedy made me realize that my kids have their whole life ahead of them, without him. I lost my mom at 32, and I thought that was far too young, thinking of all her grandkids life events she would miss out on. But then to think in terms of events my kids will not have their father for, weddings, graduations, grandkids... so many things I wish we could have celebrated together. While some of the things I realized while reading her account scared me a little, and even shook me up. It was a huge comfort to see she has emerged from her tragedy a beautiful woman, wife, mother... even without her father physically there. There is no doubt that her father, as well as my hubby will be there at every big event in their lives, and even the small ones... even if we can't see him.