Dreams

I used to have vivid dreams, I loved them since dreams have always fascinated me, since I was little. When He passed I stopped dreaming it seems like. I figured it was because I wasn't sleeping well. After a couple weeks of NO sleep, I remember having a dream of him. He had come back, but it was not him. He was not his teasing joyful self, the word that ALWAYS comes to mind when I recall this dream is grotesque, but not in appearance. I figured it meant he was really gone and no longer belonged here with us, and in some way it brought me comfort.

I have not had any dreams I have recalled since then. Something I hated, because He and I would always laugh about my dreams in the morning, he knew I liked them and there were some crazy ones.

Then last night I had one. It was about him, and it was more disturbing to me then the one were he seemed grotesque. He woke up like he had not missed a day. In the dream I was so excited and happy about him being back, but confused. I tried to explain he couldn't just go to work, he had been dead for 4 months and I was certain they replaced him. He said they would understand and everything would be fine, he would be back after work. I then didn't want him to go in case it wasn't real. The kids came out and hugged him, were a little surprised to see him, but then went on getting ready for school like it was nothing. I remember this reaction from them bugged me too. When he was trying to reassure me he would be back after work and that he was going to stop on his way there to clear up the misunderstanding that he was dead I woke up.

In some ways it was nice to dream about him, but I was so upset and confused by it. I tried to get back to sleep to continue the dream because it was such a perfect memory of him, he was just as he was... no flaws. I feel like sometimes my memory of him isn't quite right. His laugh wasn't right the way I picture it, or his eyes not the right shade. In my dream it has an exact replica. Then I remember waking up and being relieved it was a dream... like I would have been mad I had to go through these 4 months of grieving for nothing. I miss him sooo much, I just wish he could still hold me tight in his strong arms again, I always felt so safe and protected in his arms. Now I feel very vulnerable and lost...