Shower

So With this whole journey I have learned something have very mixed emotions for me. The main one being the shower. I feel like in most cases it is my only escape, I can shut myself in there away from everyone, my kids, the phone, the rest of the world who still have their other half. While I am in there however I have learned I can break down if I need to, and often times do. So when I really only need or have time for a quick shower, it kinda backfires and I spend a much longer time in there than intended, and break down. But I also love that feeling of the shower, because if I close my arms it almost feels like he is once again there touching me in his ever so gentle yet firm caress. While this is a nice memory and connection to him, it is also hard.

The other thing that is such a mixed blessing is his grave being right next to my mother's. While I truly mourn the loss of both of them, it is difficult to separate them, and grieve for one or the other when there is such a blatant reminder of them both side by side. Others have said they avoid the cemetery because it reminds them of the loss, and not the good memories, however I revel in the peace and solitude that usually evades me with a house full of our kids. It is some of the only alone time I can muster. But I also enjoy it because I have memories of Kris there. He would go with me to visit my mom's grave, and we would walk in the beautiful pond area and talk, it was peaceful, and gave me a memory of him there, one I don't have of my mom.

My kids, I hate seeing them hurt and I can't do anything to fix it. Often times I would think if I didn't have them I could get through this much easier, but then I realize many times they are what get me through. I just wish I didn't have to see them hurt so much.

The last is this house. It is his parents house, but it was our home the last 6 years. I am grateful for the memories we have here, and while I am not ready to leave it behind, I must. We have been asked to be out by the new year. While I think in the long run it will for the best, I will no longer have any obligations to my in laws, nor be tied to them, it is going to be hard to start somewhere new and know he would be going there with us. It is so hard to think of packing up all his things, and finding a home for them with out him. But perhaps this fresh start will be good for us.

Writing is another (wow when I started this I only had 2 or 3 things in mind, and now this list grows as I write) while it is a huge release, and a way for me to sort out my thoughts, going to school I find I am forced to write things I am not really relating too. I enjoy writing as a release, but because of that, I am hate feeling my emotions come to the surface, I like being able to deal them this way, but it makes other writing hard.

Getting out, I am so tired of being alone, but then I try to get out, go dancing or something, and another guy talks to me or asks me to dance, and I feel guilty at first, then weird to be with another guy, even if for only a few minutes. I really want to just get out on occasion, but when I think I am ready for it, I really am not, no matter how much I want to be.

Keeping busy, it is so good for me to be busy, school, work, extras, kids stuff... but then I think sometimes I get so caught up in the busy I miss out on the other stuff. This is why my job was only part time so one of us could be with kids, so they weren't alone often... and now it is turning into that. I hate it. So much for planning, now I have to be both mom and dad... it is good to keep busy, but am I giving myself time to mourn?