Father's Day...

(Look out long one coming at ya, it has been building for a while)

I am having the HARDEST time lately. I thought we were doing good, getting through as best we could, had a few minimal melt downs, then this day comes. This day to show our love and appreciation for our dad's, husband's, etc. I lost mine, my kids lost theirs. It is sooo not fair. I have felt so guilty because of all the years we kinda blew through the Father's day thing because of it being recital time (I teach dance and recital usually falls the week after dads day). He would be helping load the truck with props, finish last minute fixes, run to the store for last minute things I forgot, and all on his day to celebrate HIM. Sure he would complain, and I would just give him that smile and hug and tell him I love him, and he would grumble a lot... but he was such a great man he still did it. For me and the kids. I wish I had been better at making certain he knew how much we appreciated him.

I have always loved this time of year, since I was little. I loved being on stage and the center of attention, and recital time was made for me... and I loved passing it on to my kids. and poor Kris, he got sucked into it. I know he never loved it like I do, but he sure put up with it for me. I know there were times he was so jealous of my time spent there, but he still helped with any thing I needed. Getting ready for recital now has been harder than EVER. It was tough the first year without my mom. SHe would help with the sewing and costume repairs, but I had him to get me through it. Now I feel like I am just a wreck. We gather the other teacher and I to go over what still needs to be done, and when loading or props come up, I want to pipe up Kris can help with that. I hate that he can't.

I hate seeing the pain this is causing my kids. It will be the first he isn't there. He usually site in the boys dressing room for me, keeping them "quiet" but he would always make it fun. I hate that the kids have to see all the Father's day stuff, the constant reminder of what they no longer have. I hate hearing about plans to do stuff for father's when I don't need to make them. I hate that my Dad who should be especially supportive of my kids and I right now is oblivious because he is remarrying.

I am feeling SOO alone lately I feel like I am going to burst. I have heard that the kids need to see me cry and hurt too... but I can't, I see how much they are hurting, and then when they see me hurting they feel like they need to bottle up their hurt so not to add to mine... and how can that be good? So I have learned to stay up late and get the tears out, or awaken early.. or hide fast when they hit. My close friends try to be there and understand... but ultimately they have families that are still here, and they will NEVER be as invested in my kids lives as Myself and Kris were. I feel a lot of resentment towards my dad lately... and I shouldn't because I am happy he has found someone to share the rest of his life with since mom passed... but I do. I hate hearing him talk about her kids, especially when my kids still need a "father figure" of some sort around occasionally, and he should understand more than anyone having lost his wife three years ago. But he doesn't. He is clueless and I hate that.

Kris was the best dad and husband... sure he had his flaws, we all do... but he ALWAYS supported his kids, made it a huge point to be there for him, and for me. And I am sure that is why it hurts so much for my kids. I am tired of having to be the only strong one... we were such a good match for each other. Were strong for one another. He was tough when I would be too soft... I could soften him up when he was too tough. I just am really having a hard time lately... I miss his strong embrace. I have a had couple friends come give me hugs... and I appreciate it But they are not the hugs I want. I miss his. His huge embrace that would seem to protect me from anything. Even when I was most hurting I knew I could turn to him for protection from that, even if only briefly until I could take it on myself. Now I have to take it all on with out that protective hug.

I miss him... he should be here...