back to the beginning

It has been a really tough few weeks. I thought I was doing pretty good, I have gotten kids where they need to be, and fed them, and made it to work most of the time so I can get a paycheck... but I feel myself shutting down more and more, and I feel so overwhelmed with everything we have to get done. I feel like my life has fallen apart enough with losing him. But then add to that the kids grades slipping, to the point I worry about graduating for my oldest, I feel like with everything that needs to be done on the house it is in such a state of chaos that that adds to our family's disarray. I love keeping the kids busy, I feel like it helps more than anything, to take their frustration out on something physical, but I feel like somedays that is all I do, running kids back and forth. I feel like between running kids and work, there is no time for me to get stuff done I need to. I manage to get out of the house on occasion because I go see a late movie with friends after kids are in bed and when it is too late to accomplish some of the errands on my list, but even that makes me feel a little guilty. Then there is church... I feel so resentful about so many things, but hate to simply shut myself from it if it is my only connection back to Him. I also need to raise the kids in a religion that teaches strong morals and values. But when leaders come and try to lessen my late husbands worth, and when he was around and I asked several times for missionaries to come by, but now when I want nothing to do with them they won't let me baptize my son without the discussions... a baptism the bishop wouldn't let him do because he wasn't attending church because he was too sick. I am tired of hearing how strong I am, and how proud people are of how well I am doing. If they saw me in the physical state in which my mind is all the time they wouldn't be saying that... however I know enough to try to simply do what I know needs to be done. At home is when I seem to shut down. it is where I feel most alone and miss him the most. I find excuses not to be here... take ALL the kids to do the running around, go pick up dinner, wait at the studio for kids to be done. Even the cemetery feels better then here some days... except when I leave I know he is still there and can't come home with me. I thought time was suppose to make this easier, but I just feel like I am failing more each day to function as I know I should. I am tired of people telling me not to take on too much, don't they get that it is the too much that is getting me through this? How can I tell the kids not to get overwhelmed when I feel that way constantly? I find myself reflecting more and more on those first few days of him being gone. Other widows have told me those are the days that are a blur, or they don't remember, but they come clear in my memory at night. Those first nights without him holding me. Or waking up with his arm around me, but not feeling his breath. I remember feeling like the first days I was overwhelmed with people that I wished would leave, and now I wish they were here, to help me just try to get stuff in order. I know people have their own lives to worry about, and I need to figure out mine on my own... but I don't want to. I feel like God took the 2 closest people in my life. Mom and my hubby. I feel so alone. I know I have loving friends and family that would be here in an instant, but it is not the same. They have their own family... while mine are gone. I am scared of being alone... but the idea of anyone besides him scares me more. I feel like I am truly back at the beginning... fully comprehending what lies ahead now because I have been through it for the past 4 months. I truly wish I could simply shut down... it would be so much easier... but only for me. Please don't misinterpret this... I am not depressed... I simply miss him and I am grieving what who I have lost. There are days I want to just lay in bed curled up and crying... and that would do no one any good... I like going to the cemetery, although the peaceful place we picked out for my mom, is now a place where I find myself yelling at Him, mom and God all in the same breath (and I am certain some of the passersby think I am crazy). While I love the feeling that I can talk to him openly there, I hate leaving... it is like tearing myself away from him. I started this blog for a dumb reason, I continued it with a new intention when I became a widow, not realizing what a blessing it would be to write freely of my thoughts and feelings. I have gone back and read thinking I have made good progress in finding a "new normal" as several grief groups have said we need to do. But only a week ago I was reading back and I thought how easy my grief process was going, at least that is how it sounded when I went back through. A few tough days here and there. I remember thinking, "I hope if someone new to this grief process finds my blog it doesn't give them a false sense of hope in conquering this grief quickly" I think my current post will set anyone of that thinking straight. While I find over all I am functioning as well as can be expected, the downs sometimes hit so hard. I have said before when asked how we were doing, the best way to describe it was that the stretches seemed to get longer, while when the hard times hit, they seemed to hit harder... and this one has lasted a few weeks and hits hard every time.