Who am I now?

I always thought I had a pretty good grasp of who I was. What I wanted out of life. Where I was planning to go. There had been several bumps, and forks in my path, but I was always able to know where I was heading personally.

I loved being married. I am not in touch with many friends from high school. Sure I am "friends" with them on facebook... but that is it. I have always had several friends, but they always seemed to change with where I am in my life. As a woman I felt I was always expected to have a best friend... that was a girl. But the truth was my closest friends I could talk to were boys. SO when I married, and I married young, most of my friends went different ways, and I lost touch with all my guy friends, since it wasn't really "appropriate" to continue those close friendships. But with Kris, he knew that I related better, so always included me when he would have his friends over. So I could laugh with them and joke with them.

I am not saying I don't have any girl friends, I have some amazing ones right now and I wouldn't trade them for anything. I just miss the joking around with guys, and hearing their point of view, and yes even the crude stuff I would often just roll my eyes at.

I miss flirting, I loved being a tease and flirting with Kris in front of his friends, I loved them teasing him when I would push it enough to embarrass him. I loved when he would come in my line at my cashier benefit job, and I could totally tease and mess around with him, and watch other customers act a little shocked until I explained he was my husband. I loved when he would come and watch me teach, even if it was for a brief moment. Only a couple weeks before he came in and watched me. I remember seeing him and smiling wondering what he was thinking. After class he told me how much he liked watching me, and he could tell how much I loved it... even when I was yelling.

I have tried going to widow groups and getting to know others who are going through what I am... but they don't know the me from before, so I don't think they get me. My friends are awesome, but I don't think they truly get what I am going through. I am grateful because I have recently reconnected with a friend from jr high and high school... he knew Kris as well, but more important he knows me from before. But I worry a little because he didn't know the married me. The kids kinda get it... but they are kids, and don't understand what I am going through.

I want to feel like me again. I want to finish school, I want to have a career, I want to raise great kids, I want them to succeed, But I don't think I know who I want to be anymore...

Death

Death is NOT fair... it strikes unfairly and hit hard. It has taken my mother, my husband, and now a close friend who was like a grandfather far to soon. Cancer was a factor in all of their losses as well as in both of my grandmothers premature death. My dear friends whose grandfather it was have had to deal with the loss of both their grandfather and their grandfather since February of this year. I have found several widow and loss help websites and they have all been affected by huge losses as well. Perhaps this death being the most recent close death I have experienced since losing Kris it has affected me harder. I know how my close friends are feeling losing their father, husband, grandfather, brother, friend, I am just aching cause I know how painful it is... and I know there is NO way to take away that pain. It is so unfair... and I am so sorry they also have to go through this.

Been a while...

I used to like seeing the gaps in my posts here, I felt it meant I was getting better in dealing with my grief, but my last post proved way opposite. I had held in in for much to long, it exploded. I lashed out with the emotion only a loss like mine could create... an emotion I had kept bottled for far too long. So after that rather depressing post, I got online a couple hours later and felt the warm encouragement, and true understanding of where that emotion came from. But to be honest going back and reading it was a little scary. Scary that after 38 weeks I still have that kind of raw emotion that needs an outlet.

I have tried to not hold it in all the time, if it hits, let it come. I have however still refrained from breaking down in front of my children, who seem to have been having an equally tough time. It still isn't easy, and I am still overwhelmed with everything going on right now plus my emotions. SO I have cut down a little on obligations, and I have tried to find time weekly to make to the cemetery where I feel I can express my emotions in private.

The other thing I have noticed since going back and reading, is that I am almost trying to not remember things about him. It has been so long since I posted a memory or something that reminds me of him. How can I expect the kids to remember how great he is, if I avoid writing down what made him that way?

So here is a memory. SPAM. He loved spam, and I could NEVER understand why. I complained every time he would get it, and finally he stopped getting it because he was tired of me complaining about it. SO the other day in the store (I rarely did the grocery shopping either, he liked it more than I did, since he did most of the cooking) and there it was, SPAM. I laughed to myself, and bought a couple cans. THen I got home and the girls whined, even after I told them why I got it, they refused to eat it when I cooked some up. And it was gross and I will probably never buy it again, except it really made me laugh that day.