My rating

If I were to rate myself on how well I was coping with the loss of my best friend, husband, lover, father of my children, etc. I would have to say I think I am coping/handling it fairly well. Sure on the anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, big events he is not there I get teary and emotional with everyone else. But as far as random breakdowns over little things, it has been kept to a minimum. In fact rarely happens no that it has been almost 6 months. But it hit this morning. Hard. Over the silliest of things. My razor. He would always still mine because he said it was more gentle. And would have me use mine when I shaved his head (he choose to be bald, and couldn't get all of it on his own). In fact the night before I lost him, I shaved his head.

So this morning all has been going well, got kids off to school on time, which is a challenge most mornings. And then I got in the shower... a rare occurrence lately since I avoid it because it is where I usually have my breakdowns. I lost it reaching for my razor. I sobbed uncontrollably and realized as well as I am, or may appear to coping. I am still so new to this life without him.

I want him here to scare me while I am in the shower. I want him here to be excited for me with all I accomplish. I want someone as invested in my kids as I am to be excited over small accomplishments. And I will not have that. I miss the late night chats about nothing of importance. I miss a strong arm around me at times like this where I am having a rough day. I am tired of hearing I look good from people and that I am doing well... it is the appearance I feel I need to keep up for my kids to able to get through this with as few hiccups as possible. I hate wanting to go try a new restaurant and don't have a date, or go see a movie and be a third wheel or go it alone. My teen only want to do so much with me, and how can I ask them to be a date for their mom all the time when they are at the age where friends are so important? If I want them to experience normal life as much as possible I cannot deny them this time they need with friends... I just need mine too. Which I am so grateful have always been there, and are always willing.

While I like to think I am handling things well, and for the most part I am, I am grateful for the wake up call and realize I am not as comfortable with my new life I have been dealt as I sometimes appear even to myself. I think of why I am able to function as well as I do sometimes is because of conversations He and I had for years, even since I met him. He somehow knew he would die young. I would blow it off to him, but would think to myself, could I do it alone? How would I? I also think of all the fights I had with him about his health. I felt he was not taking as good of care of himself as he should be, but was tired of the fights that would come from it. So I set it in my mind that if he wouldn't take care of him, I can't make him, and I need to be ready to take care of the kids and me. There are many days I regret this thinking, but I am glad I had in some ways freed myself of that guilt before so it wouldn't haunt me more than it does.

I hope my posts on here make sense. I never edit... unless there is a very obvious typo. I simply write how I am feeling at the moment, and hope it makes sense. As I have mentioned before it helps me to be able to write my thoughts down, and I hope it helps others to read them. I have found going back and reading from the beginning helps me see how far I have come in this process. I miss him so much. I hear that the kids dream of him, or that other widows dream of their lost loved one, and I am so jealous. I have only dreamed of him a couple times, and each time it is not the real him, it is some grotesque copy of him and that haunts me. I try to cling onto those dreams even for another moment, even to have that grotesque copy with me. I am so grateful for all the memories of him I do have. My daughter said to me she hates how everything reminds her of him because she is so tired of crying. I told her to write them down through the tears so she never will forget them. Because when she has gotten to the point where the memories bring a smile instead of a tear she will be so grateful for them.