I hear often of widows or widowers who have lost their love and were blessed with sweet dreams of their lost love... I have not had that. I have been cursed with a dream that reoccurs often, and yet I oddly cling to it. I have put off writing it in all the details until now, and now only because it is haunting me.
I dream that Kris is back, convinced he never died and trying to get back into his life. But it is not him, it is a grotesque copy of him, not zombie like but not him. Kinda back from the dead, but not really rotting or anything. We all welcome him back like it is not a big deal, but I find myself convincing the kids and him this is not right. He was dead, I saw him dead how is he back and alive, and he just tells me I am crazy and he hasn't even been gone. I am so grateful to have him back, but it is not real, and I know this and it disturbs me. I worry about finding sinking into a comfort zone and realizing it is not right. Then he leaves again. He is just gone, like death caught him escaping and took him back... and then I am stuck dealing with the kids who are once again distraught. I am distraught because of the kids, but relieved he is gone. That doesn't make sense, why would I want to have him gone? I think because I could see it was not really him. My dream varies every time. Like once I tried to keep him from going into work because they would freak out. Then another time I tried to keep him from touching me. And once I had to keep him from taking the car and picking up the kids.
I wish these dreams were pleasant memories of him, or his real self... not this artificial copy. Then I would long for them. But I hate them they leave me confused and frustrated, and yet I want to remain asleep for this glimpse of him... something... anything.
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