What he thinks...

I miss discussing things with him, theories, movies, bad days at work, teachers we are having a hard time with at the schools... Sure I can talk about that with other people, but it is not the same. We would do it until late into the night. I miss him arguing a point, for the sake of arguing... then realizing he really agreed with me, and finally quitting. He loved music. I often hear a song and wonder if it would be one he would like... become a favourite on his play list. and of course I wonder what he would do if our circumstances were reversed. How would he be handling being alone? Does he think I am doing a good job with the kids?

I feel like with the loss of my love not only do I seem to follow the "stages of grief" I slip back into previous stages with new info, or unexpected memories... I feel like I have been on autopilot since last week... in that numb stage. At times I feel so broken... but the tears won't come. I know he is gone, but I feel like the exact memory of him is fading. I have a copy of his voice, but even when I hear it, it is not quite right. The pictures don't feel right either. They look like him, him who should be coming in the door around 7:00 after work.

Even though it has almost been three months, it still feels so unreal. I think when I am online late at night, I should hurry and get off, or Kris will start nagging me... I only wish he would. I considered picking up a set of earrings for him for his birthday... he was ALWAYS losing the balls on his. It was bitter sweet to sing Happy Birthday to him last night. Sure it is his birthday... but he is no longer aging... forever 33.

I am feeling SOOO alone lately, I find myself wondering if I will ever have someone to talk to that will care about silly things with me again... and really care. I know I have tons of friends and family, but they are not as invested as I am, or he was. They have their own families, their own homes. I am not wanting to remarry or anything... just don't want to be forever alone. My kids are there, and very supportive, but I miss Him.