Life...

I have obviously been struggling with a few things lately, faith, house work, organization, cooking, being alone, just to name a few. But I have to say, there are some people that have made this transition seem not only possible, but much easier then it would be to go through this alone. I have been struggling to continue going to my benefits job more and more, I am just feeling SO overwhelmed and that seems the one I would most prefer to cut, but it has to wait for a while until I get some things sorted out. But then I think how blessed I have been to be there. There are some people I have made such a strong connection to, I can't imagine going through all this without them, and I hate to think they may not be as involved in my life if I were to leave this job.

While I am missing him terribly, and hate facing the fact I remain in this life without him, I have to look at all that has been accomplished since he passed. I have gotten closer with my kids, been able to get back to school, regained my driving privledges, been able to get some repairs done to our home... and then I think how sad it took him passing to be able to do these things.

I have to look at the fact that he had been so sick lately, and in near constant pain, both emotionally and physically. No one should have to go through all that he suffered through. While I am feeling so alone and aching for him, I am so glad he is no longer aching as well.

I feel like I am doing okay lately, in some ways I had in my own mind had to force myself not to worry about his health if wasn't going to... something I now feel guilt over, as well as relief that I had mentally stepped back from it. I feel so much guilt over some things lately and I know I shouldn't but I also know that is a huge part of grieving. I feel guilty that I am able to accomplish these things only after he had passed. WHy couldn't I have stepped up before and gotten some of these things accomplished?

I know part of what is dredging up these emotions is the fact that this week I have been trying to get his life insurance filed/applied for. I feel like it has been such a tidal wave of emotion. I have mental spent this money 3 times over, and that makes me feel guilty. Gathering all the information for this has been like ripping the missing hole from me over and over again so shortly after it has begun to fill in as best as could be hoped for. I still don't know why I torture myself reading the police report and the autopsy... but I do. Please don't ask to read them, as I will not pass it along. It is of no benefit to anyone emotionally involved.

I hate seeing the kids in pain as well, I hate that there is nothing I can do for them. I am an adult and this is the type of trauma you never want to feel, and my kids have to go through it so young. I think they are coping and getting through okay, and then I catch a glimpse of them hurting, and we both crumble. I wish I could make it not hurt for them, I almost feel like my being here and he not, they resent me for it a little. And I know they really don't but I especially see it when I have to be the Strict mean parent... and be soft about it as well so they don't push too far away. That is my biggest fear that one of the kids will push too far away in this huge cloud of pain they need to get through.

I think part of my posting was both one of gratitude and a plea. If you know me and my family, PLEASE continue to be here for us. Help with little things when you see we may need it. Offer to be there for my kids if they seem to need a fatherly friend. I like to think I am pretty independent, and can do things on my own... but I find more and more, I am only fooling myself in this way of thinking. I welcome the offers for help, even if I seem reluctant to accept them. Most times I am simply too busy with kids activities to be there when help is offered. I feel I am constantly driving my kids here and there... dinner has turned into which fast food have we NOT had this week... He did almost ALL the cooking. Lately I feel there is little or no room in my schedule for much else, so please keep asking, I will eventually come around, or find the needed time to accept the help I need.

Thank you, and please continue to be there for me and my kids.