I wish I could pinpoint the triggers that would send me into a minor breakdown. It would make it easier to avoid them. I was told I keep myself busy so I don't have time to mourn. I think that is part right. I find it takes so much out of me when I do break down that it is easier to avoid it. And while I know many people are of the belief that it is okay for the kids to see me in hurt, I think hurting is one thing, but I don't want them to see me break down. That is when I myself give up hope, and want to simply curl up and cry, go to sleep and not wake up, and what good does that do for my children? TO see someone they need to look up to ready to give up? They have so much to live for (and I do realize I do to, but it is sometimes hard to face that fact when I am alone). They need to see me sad, and missing him, but not breaking down.
So today at work I had a little break down... not sure why it happens at the job I like least, but I was in the bathroom sobbing. Sobbing because I was looking at a picture of him on my phone. I miss how he felt, I miss hearing his voice. It has been over 7 months and I still have not washed his blanket he slept with, I go to sleep with it thinking it is him... but his smell is wearing off, and I know I need to wash it... but the thought of washing what is left of him on it makes me cry.
I just wish he was here... I miss him sooo much... I ache like a huge piece of me has been ripped out... and I know I will never get it back.
2 comments:
My kids have seen me breakdown...it's not pretty, but it happens less often now. I feel like letting it out helps, but it is exhausting. I worry that my breakdowns scare them. At first they comforted me, now they plead with me not to cry. I have been trying to breakdown away from them lately, not sure which is better...I hate that part of this is figuring out how to grieve..it's hard enough already.
I feel the same as Sean. My little boy begs me to not cry. I just want to tell you you're not alone. I feel the exact same as you.
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