Sitting here on the eve of the anniversary of his passing, I can't help but picture in great detail the events of this night a year ago. Some of the details i am grateful to have such a clear recollection, others I wish would fade taking with it some of my guilt. I arrived home from work thanks to a kind friend dropping me off. While I sat and talked with her in the car, he came out and told me to hurry and escorted me inside. He had made dinner and gotten kids all ready for bed, but had set up a movie and popcorn and treats to watch a movie as a family, Harry Potter 6 so we were ready for the movie the following week. I argued the kids had school, but he insisted. After eating he asked if I would shave his head. The last act of service I performed for him while still alive. I am so grateful I did not put up the fight I usually did when he asked me this favor. After shaving his head, we laid down to finish watching the movie, since the kids fell asleep. We both fell asleep soon after. But I awoke in the middle of the night to his snoring and decided to go back upstairs so I wouldn't miss the alarm, and would be able to wake everyone up. I wish I had stayed with him all night for what was to be our final night together.
I find myself now, the early morning of the anniversary of his death, unable to sleep. I have remembered him by listening to his memorial services, he was so greatly loved, I just hope he knows that, for it is something he often doubted. He was my soul mate, and truer words were never spoken. We knew each other, understood each other, and connected with each other so deeply we were usually very perceptive of when the other was hurting. Many nights he would try to be quiet while he was ill and not wake me, but even still I would get up, noticing the large presence absent from my side. I wish now I didn't go back to sleep like he would insist, but would have stayed with him until he felt well enough to return to bed. We both knew the day we met we were met to be together. He told his sister he had met the girl he would marry, and I kissed him before I even knew his last name.
I miss him now more than ever. It still feels as if a large hole is missing from me, that despite being filled with love, and generosity, and kindness from family, friends, and strangers even, that missing piece will never again fit properly until I am once again by his side.
I have had some of the most trying weeks of my life recently, as this painful anniversary approaches, I am confident we as a family will get through this as we having with the huge loss of Kris. While I wish he was still by my side, I am grateful for the love and kindness shown to me this past year. For all the things I have accomplished on my own. For how brave my children are in facing this adult situation at such a young age. I have grown stronger for it, and know he has been with me through it, pushing me when I have nearly fallen.
To remember him I asked friends, family, classmates, anyone I have known to remember him on this anniversary in a special way. By performing an act of service, kindness, or compassion for someone else. The commitment I have received has brought a smile to my face every time I think about all those people thinking of him tomorrow. I am now inviting any of you who read this to join us, Saturday the 12th by performing an act of service or kindness towards someone else, and tell me about what you did here, or email me. What a great legacy to pass on from the tragedy of losing ones spouse at such a young age.
Looking back I wish I had posted more often. Someone wise once commented on a post in which I was feeling like I had not grown, nor become more accepting of my loss like I should. This wise person noted that they knew I was getting through because of the space growing between my posts. I feel like this was how I coped, and without writing here, I have been bottling up what I need to let out. So I am going to try to continue to keep this up more as I continue to face difficult challenges in my life, so I can watch as I work through the mix of emotions I have felt.
I made it the first year... not looking forward to the next, but I know I can do it.
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