The past few nights, tonight included, I have sat up all night, trying desperately to finish some papers for school. I have tried to take power naps, I have tried to just power through them, I have tried taking breaks on different sites after "bribing" myself with goals. They still are not done. I have stared at blank screens, read articles 3 and 4 times not knowing what I have read. I have written these papers in my head over and over again, and yet I cannot get them to translate onto the paper/screen. Why is that?
I have so many other things in my life occupying my thoughts I don't think there is room for everything. I am feeling like such a failure because I can not accomplish all that I am accustomed to accomplishing with Kris's help, making meel so inadequate. In our new house I have done so much better at keeping it clean, and yet as this warm weather has hit, at the same time as finals, I have fallen way behind on housekeeping, and because I am embarrassed by the disarray of my home, I don't want to call my landlord until I can clean up, but the AC is not working properly. My oldest has so many things going on at the moment that I feel I am neglecting the others. With Dr. appts for his broken wrist, tickets for stupidity, going to a new school, and still behind in graduating I feel every free moment I am hounding him. I fall asleep worrying about him. Because of this worry, I have neglected to keep on top of my other children. I can't think of the last time I had my youngest do his daily reading. I was informed this week is parent teacher conferences, and I am usually so on top of things like that. I am finishing up the last of my financial issues associated with Kris, and that has hit on the same week as finals. I am feeling guilty for not pushing through to get done with school, but can see I need to take this break for my sanity.
I hate to think Kris would be disappointed in me, but I can't help thinking that, because I am so disappointed in myself. I feel like I need help, but other have their own lives and issues, how can I expect them to step in where I am falling short when I don't even know where to start asking for help? I know I need to take my antidepressants, I keep telling my kids to take theirs, but I am so bad at just remembering. I try to make certain I am there for everyone who is relying on me, but I feel I am always falling short. I am reminded of my shortcomings daily.
I feel like my worries and concerns are all crushing in on me. I have tried to make an effort to get out more, last year was such a blur I got through it in a state of numbness, and I can hardly remember thing that happened, because I choose to hide away in my house, unless someone dragged me out. I don't want my children to see me regress to that, that is not a good example for them, nor is it anyway to live. I am tired of seeing My oldest daughter hurting, and there being nothing I can do about it.
I need to find a way to balance things in my life so I can be adequate in all aspects of it, but how? I am tired of my emotions hitting so unexpectedly, uncontrollably, I am tired of not having Kris here to help both emotionally and with all the things I need to get done.
I never thought boy scouts would be such a trigger, but between the pinewood derby for my youngest, and an eagle court of honor for a friend I have nearly gone over the edge. Kris LOVED scouting. He would not have his boys miss out on any of the opportunities scouts offered them. Yet when I needed help with the pinewood derby as it hit around the same time as my school finals, and I knew nothing about it, none of the men in my family would step up to help, they all tried to pass the buck until my brother in law offered to help as best as he could. I know nothing about what needs to be done in order to earn his eagle, and yet, I need to find a way to motivate my oldest to get that done on top of getting his driver's license, and graduating.
I just wish that since Kris can no longer help me in my life where I need him, others would step in to help when they see help is needed, because it gets tiring asking all the time. And then I feel more helpless, and like more of a burden on others. I feel like overall my family has been pretty supportive and helpful, however I think they will never truly understand how alone I still feel. I feel silly asking questions on facebook or to others about things I am pretty sure I know I am making the right choices on, but I miss having that feedback, discussing it with someone. Having someone share a vested interest in every aspect of my life. I am just so tired of feeling so alone. I feel like I try to continue to be there for others as best as I can when needed... and I know people are there for me, but I wish someone was aware of my needs so I don't feel like I am continually begging for help. I think some people expect me to functioning back to normal by now... but it is nights like this I realize I am far from it.
I need to remember how much writing my thoughts out helps me work through them somewhat. Sure it brings on a flood of tears, ones I have usually been holding back for far too long. But it also gives me some focus and direction as to where to go from here. So here it goes, another attempt...
