A tough kind of week...

I have been sick with a cold since his birthday, but the kids have been soo sick in shifts lasting 3 to 5 days, all of them with a lingering reminder of their bout with the flu, whether it be no voice, or a cough. The toughest thing about dealing with this flu bug is missing him. I have heard others suffering from this virus saying their husband's are whiny, and babies when they are sick. MY hubby was not, he would go to work sick the whole time, after being up all night sick. But he would be sick and take care of me... I would come home feeling sick... and he would be sick too... but he would have ran me a bath, and taken care of kids.

Now I love him, and I may sound like I idolize him a little now... which I am sure is normal when you lose someone... but he did have his faults... but who wantsa to be remembered for those? It benefits NO ONE.

One of my daughters friends lost her brother in law this week, leaving behind a young wife and children. WHen I heard this it brought back all those awful memories of him when he first passed. It reminded me how recent it still is, even though I have continually moved forward, when it hasn't been easy.

Then I also found a book from the library I have been reading... and I have very mixed emotions about it. I really like the idea and concept of it... I am just resentful of how it ends. It is about a man diagnosed with cancer, and he has young girls. He decides to gather some important men from his life to be his "voice" to his girls. I love the idea, and it has been very inspiring. I find myself wondering who in His life would be a good representation of his "voice" to his children. I cheat and read the last page of books all the time... (that way if it seems to end badly I can not read it and save lots of time... really it makes sense to me) But he survives it. WHich is great, but I recent that he went to this effort... and still is around for his girls... but my children don't have their father.

I haven't had any major break downs really, just silly things have been tough. Like my oldest son. We seem to clash more and more lately, and I NEED to figure out how to get through to him, and it is even harder because I KNOW He always could. I miss having a date night with him. Even if it was just to the grocery store for treats and a new movie at home. I have been able to get out and have a couple girls nights... but it is not the same. I hate being alone. And I know I am not alone, I have my kids and I know he is "with" me. But I still hate that feeling of alone.

I have realized how strong I am in this... But man I wish I didn't have to be. Just once I would like to be able to lean on him again, and didn't have to be so strong.