Missing my blogs...

Since starting back to school, I have not had the time to catch up as often as I would like on my blogs. When I am driving to school (a 30 minute drive) I think constantly of things I should ask and put out there, or I should mention this memory of him. But I forget, or don't have time when I remember. I feel a little lost without my my constant updates. I felt like if I update frequently, I get fewer "How are you doing?" questions with that look of pity you get so tired of. I hate that look. That look with the combination of pity for you, and how grateful they are to not be going through it.

I still hate hearing how strong I am, that we are doing well considering. I am doing what I can, surviving, living without a huge chunk of my heart. With every event, or struggle, I wish he were here to help. I wish he were the one offering words of comfort, not my friends and family that have their own issues to deal with. I know they want to help, and they are great... I just wish they didn't have to be.

I hate having to do the job of 2 parents, but even worse than that, I hate hearing it compared to divorced, single mothers, I truly understand there are those parents who's other half have chosen NOT to participate in the life of their children. BUT THAT IS NOT OUR CASE. He wanted to be here to help, he would be hurting to see me struggle. While I wouldn't "choose" to be divorced, I feel like I would MUCH prefer those circumstances... I could still see him, hear him, touch him...

I hate meeting people He would have LOVED. I feel like they missed out on knowing him. I hate seeing movies he would have liked, hearing music he would have played repeatedly.

I hate hearing people tell me I am taking on too much, I need to cut back somewhere. Busy is my coping mechanism, and I feel like I am handling stuff pretty well, but I do need to vent on occasion... and I lost my listening ear. He was good at just listening, not trying to fix it (it took a while for him to learn that, but he did... just like I learned if he talks about a problem, he wants suggestions) we were such a good match... I feel like an incomplete set now.