I used to like seeing the gaps in my posts here, I felt it meant I was getting better in dealing with my grief, but my last post proved way opposite. I had held in in for much to long, it exploded. I lashed out with the emotion only a loss like mine could create... an emotion I had kept bottled for far too long. So after that rather depressing post, I got online a couple hours later and felt the warm encouragement, and true understanding of where that emotion came from. But to be honest going back and reading it was a little scary. Scary that after 38 weeks I still have that kind of raw emotion that needs an outlet.
I have tried to not hold it in all the time, if it hits, let it come. I have however still refrained from breaking down in front of my children, who seem to have been having an equally tough time. It still isn't easy, and I am still overwhelmed with everything going on right now plus my emotions. SO I have cut down a little on obligations, and I have tried to find time weekly to make to the cemetery where I feel I can express my emotions in private.
The other thing I have noticed since going back and reading, is that I am almost trying to not remember things about him. It has been so long since I posted a memory or something that reminds me of him. How can I expect the kids to remember how great he is, if I avoid writing down what made him that way?
So here is a memory. SPAM. He loved spam, and I could NEVER understand why. I complained every time he would get it, and finally he stopped getting it because he was tired of me complaining about it. SO the other day in the store (I rarely did the grocery shopping either, he liked it more than I did, since he did most of the cooking) and there it was, SPAM. I laughed to myself, and bought a couple cans. THen I got home and the girls whined, even after I told them why I got it, they refused to eat it when I cooked some up. And it was gross and I will probably never buy it again, except it really made me laugh that day.
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