Official...

It has been a tough couple weeks, knowing his birthday was coming up. But then silly things have made it harder. I hate getting all the tax info in the mail. The idea of filing and making it official that he is deceased is just too much. I know he is gone, why do I need to prove it to the government in writing? I am not looking forward to filing, return or not. It was hard enough to mark the widowed box on my college application.

Then to add to my tough week, I got a call from the mortuary with the official death certificates, it was like going through admitting he had passed again. The cause was not a surprise, I think I had known the cause all along. It was not either of his diseases that ultimately took him. It was the pain killers to help him that did. A little too much, in a bad combination.

I have not been able to tell anyone, that would be admitting the pain got to him, and he was so much more than that. It was hard enough to see it for myself, to have to tell someone would be hard on them and me... so I have avoided it. I finally can't seem to keep it in anymore, but I am not ready to talk about it, so here I am. I didn't want to withhold it from his loved ones, and I know they will be asking soon, so this is my way to avoid it. I only ask this, if you are wanting to know the details, please give me a couple days to digest it, file the taxes and paper work involved with life insurance, and come to accept what , if I am honest with myself... I already knew.

I have been doing okay, not great, but not broken still either. And I feel like this document has brought me back to the beginning again. I find though that I have flipped a little, I am wanting to sleep ALL the time. I have been so motivated in getting things done that have been needing to be done, but now I have no desire, no drive, and just want to curl up and cry... but the tears don't seem to come. I find I am feeling more and more alone. I have lots of friends and family for support... but it is not the same. Sure I can call and be excited about silly things... but they don't mean as much to them as they would him... no matter how much they want to. No one else is going to be excited about little things I am getting done on the house. Or the kids getting a good grade, or me having a great day... or the griping. I just want him to be there went I am SOOO mad about something, and he can vent with me, or side with me. Then at night I am feeling soo alone. I just want to have him hold me, or listen to me chatter about nothing. In one hour it will be his 34th birthday. We would have been the same age for a month...