I have been thinking for a couple weeks I really need to post on her how well we as a family have been lately.It had been a while since my last break down. The kids have been getting through the day fairly well. I have gotten a lot accomplished recently and finally realize I CAN do this on my own. Even with arguments with the kids there have been breakthroughs, and I can see where I need to toughen up, and where I can let things slide a little. I can see progress, and the hope of a final product on the house.
Then there was today. I had a couple of silly things happen that hit hard. First, at work I worked for the first time with someone new, and they commented, "So you aren't Married?" I quickly replied, "Yes... well I am widowed." It was the first time I had to tell someone that. Sure I have told people I lost my husband, and that he passed away... but the first I had to admit, I am not really "married" in the law sense any more. I will ALWAYS be married to him, but not in the current sense most likely implied.
Then I passed something while driving that reminded me of a recent time when he laughed... it was his hardy gut busting laugh. I miss it so much, I can almost imagine it, but it is not the same. I pulled over and sat and got some of the built up tears out.
And lastly, I invited a friend over for the weekend, but she said she would have the kids because her hubby was helping her grandfather, (our close family friend we feel like he is our grandfather), with some work on his lot... it was something my hubby would jump at the opportunity to help with, I started to suggest He could help... then bit my tongue quick.
Then the kids... I thought they were doing great too, they have been putting up a strong front. My oldest was really wishing HE was there for his concert this week, it was tough not having him there. My oldest daughter has been having trouble with someone picking on her at school... something HE was always willing and usually able to fix, with suggestions and support... My younger daughter had been sick, and missed him being there making her feel better... and my youngest loves remembering the good times... but on occasion they turn to tears, that he tries to quickly wipe away so I don't see.
I sympathize so much with them... but then I feel so hurt. Why do they feel he could have fixed ALL this, and I am there for support, offer advice, comfort, a hug... but I feel it is never enough. I understand they want HIM... so do I, but I am here still... recognize that, I need them to need me on occasion too. I am glad they hold him in such high regards, as to almost idolize him... but then I turn into the nag, the mean one, the strict one, who never lets them do anything. I just feel like I can't win lately.
Most of all I wish I had written my positive update so I don't appear like I am not coming to accept this awful tragedy our family has had to endure. Please believe me when I say we are doing okay... not GREAT, yet... but okay.
1 comment:
For a lot of people, writing is a release. For me atleast, looking back I can see a trend in the writing, a lot of it is "Down" but over time there are gaps in the dates...I realized recently that the gaps are times when I didnt feel the need to write...and things were going ok. Keep writing if it helps, eventually you will start writing to remember, and not just release.
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