Whoa!

It has been a tough week... for all of us. Grief counseling went well, she did it for just our family, trying to reach our wide age range. The kids came home and wanted to hear the recordings of Him form his office, I warned them they were hard to hear, but I never expected how hard it would be for them. It resulted in a long tough night, I feel a little guilty hiding them from them for so long, but I felt like I was protecting them, but do I really need to protect them from their own grief?

But it has overall been a tough week. It was my mom's birthday (she passed in April of 2008) so I went to leave her some flowers. When I am having a tough time I like the cemetery because I am mostly alone, and I can yell and scream without anyone seeing me or judging me. I try to be so strong for my kids and for others who I know are having a hard time, and I hate looking vulnerable to them. Lame I know but I have NEVER been one to talk about my feelings, sure I am kinda a boob and cry easily, but that is not usually over things I have such a personal attachment too. For those I am the "Strong" one. I have always been independent in a sense... even though with Him passing it is the first time I have been "alone" while I am still not alone, I have my kiddos.

But back to my cemetery story. My sister in law came to visit His site, and happen to be their the EXACT time I got there for my mom (He and my mom are right next to each other)I don't want anyone to misunderstand, I am so glad that she can find comfort there as well... it just through me off when I was expecting my alone time to deal with a few things.

I am feeling so overwhelmed with other things right now as well... I am trying to get everything in line for going back to school, and finishing hanging paperwork, taxes etc. and trying to get the house somewhat organized so it will simplify our life when it gets busy. But with work, and kids activities I just never seem to have enough time for anything. And I have flipped... I went from never able to sleep and long restless nights, to always tired and never feeling like I get enough sleep.

I have not been as good about asking for help as I should be, partly because I know everyone has their own lives and things to be doing. I need to set a time however to recruit help, and try to get some major thing accomplished. I think mostly I just need to break down and do it, instead of giving in to my exhaustion and sleeping so often.

I just hope that this tough week is not a step backwards, and that we can continue to move forward as we have been adjusting to this new life we have been given. While the kids were having a tough time I asked the kids, "Haven't we been doing OK? Not wonderful, by any means, but OK? Do you think we would be able to do as well as we have if HE wasn't with us constantly helping us? I know he is with us, getting through this... we just can't see him..." While I hope this is true, I wish I knew it was more, and I hope I was at least convincing to them... because I am still struggling.

And also I am feeling so guilty, at night when I am alone, and it is the hardest, I am feeling so sorry for myself... and the idea of being alone after the kids are grown scares me so much... I don't want to be alone, I want him. But I know I can't have him so I wonder if I will ever be with someone else, and I feel guilty. It has only been 4 months, I should not be thinking like that... I know he understands... just listen to HIS choice of songs for his funeral... but I hate how those thoughts creep in my head.