I miss him

We miss him. My oldest son has a ballroom concert this week... "He was finally not teasing me about dance, and now he is not going to be there". My oldest daughter tested in her MMA class (mixed martial arts) "This was his and my thing, and he isn't here". My youngest daughter ran into a referee at a fencing tournament who remembered him, he was always right there loudly cheering her on. "Where's your dad?" She could only quietly cry, and her coach stepped in to answer. My youngest son tries to be so tough, and even puts of the show... but I catch the glimpses where I know he is missing him.

We fit well, in EVERY way. Sure we had our arguments, but that was marriage right? Learning to live and accept someone else, faults and all. What I wouldn't give to put up with all those faults once more. When we first met he was always the talker, sure if you know me, I LOVE to talk... and do frequently. But I never really talk about how I am feeling. I will discuss things I am going through, to way too much detail... but rarely how I feel about it. I was the listener in our relationship... most of the time. After years of hearing him frustrated that I won't talk to him... I caved. I let it out, in hours of conversation. I miss that. I know there are several friends and loved ones who would listen in a heart beat, but it truly took living with him, and him asking repeatedly for me to finally break. As close and as sweet as my friends are, they don't have that kind of determination... they have their own families. Know don't get me wrong, Kris was not an emotional basket case who would cry and discuss his feelings routinely, I think he found what I learned others have found in me. I listen. I listen and I keep confidences. I am still amazed at how many people have easily trusted me with deep confidences, and many times very shortly after meeting me. I am proud to say I have never divulged any of them except regrettably my own husbands. A mistake that still haunts me.

As I mentioned I love to talk... I love to be the center of attention, but rarely is about how I feel, except superficially, like stressed, overwhelmed, etc. I miss my sweetfart (yes that was my nickname for him). I miss talking to him. I am glad I have the cemetery to go and yell at him when I need to... I just wish he would yell back on occasion.