Age lines

I had never cared if I got wrinkles or age lines, but was very pleased when I hadn't had many, and still looked fairly young. I think over all I still do... but I have more wrinkles around my eyes than ever... I think being a widow has aged me. You laugh, but why not? Even as a grown women being forced into this situation has made me have to be stronger than I am, for my kids, I have unfortunately planned 2 funerals now, and have apparently become quite good at (I wonder if the mortuary is hiring), and I haven't worn any kind of base or coverup makeup because I didn't want to have tear streaks I was continually fixing... and waterproof mascara has become my new best friend. But it has definitely aged me emotionally and mentally, why not physically as well?

I think also it has made me a little bitter, a little skeptical, paranoid, and scatterbrained. I now need to be both parents. He and I seemed to have a way of tag teaming... who was the strict one at the time, who was the fun one, etc. One of our children once put it perfect when we were watching a TV show, the world's strictest parents, we asked who was more strict him or I. They said I am more strict about more things, but he was strict on fewer things, but those fewer things he was MORE strict about them. I will need to step up my parenting game and figure how to balance it... I don't want him idolized, and me the new constant bad guy... however if that is the role I must play to continue raising this great kids, without their dad I will. But that is my huge worry. They are such GREAT kids, and a huge part of that is their father, how can I continue that?