break down

Last night was the second time I had a full out break down in a little more than a week... the first was when the paramedics told me he was gone. I screamed I yelled, I sobbed, I ran, I watched his favorite part of his favorite movie over and over again (300, the end where he says my queen, me wife, me love... then he dies) I feel like that was how his life was, fighting for everyone else... even right up to the end. I am sure it will be the first of many, I sobbed myself to sleep... How can this be real? Why would God take him from me when I need him so much? I just truly don't understand, and I know I never will. I keep saying things to comfort the kids... but find no comfort in them myself, so why should they? Perhaps with time some things will begin to fall into place and I will understand more then...