Numb

Several things have slowly made me realize this is not a bad dream and it is really happening, and while I think I may break down with each of these realizations, I simply feel a little more numb. Like someone is squeezing me so tight I feel tiny pins and needles that just ache, then with each squeeze I feel less and less... and I think the part that scares me is when the worst of this is over, the funeral, I know that I will eventually be let go and all that pain will come flooding like sharp daggers rather than the small pricks.

I had started this blog as a joke, I have issues with odd numbers, and only 4 blogs seemed unlucky (who knew it would be the fifth?). But for a while this one was blank, then I was using it as a journal of sorts, now I find my self coming here to simply write non judged. I think this is where I am going to find myself able to cope with my loss.

I hurt so much, and yet I feel like I have cried so many tears that I just can't find any left to cry... and then the tears come again. It is then I am so grateful for the shower... it washes away the tears, and provides them if I run out.

I miss him so much and it has only been 6 days, I learned when he was gone with the Army the longer it was the harder... I think that is why I dread each passing day. He was ALWAYS my strength, from the day i met him. I have battled with depression since I was at least 10... and it was when I was dating him in High school I learned how it hits, (I get it in waves, if I take an anti depressant for about a month then I am good again for a couple years... but if I don't catch it fast I can sink quick) He was always there to warn me if I was sinking and lift up quick. (don't worry my prescription is already on hand) I depended on him for everything, financially, to help with the kids because he was an amazing father, and to be my steady rock.

I think I joked when I started using this blog I didn't have the "blues" I got the "purples" because it was my favourite colour... This blog is going to be how I cope in the middle of the night when I get my kids to bed. My kids are luckily so blessed to be strong like their father, and the loss of him is going to be their hardest trial yet.