The more I think about it, and comments people make to me, he knew. He knew he would be passing soon... I don't think he realized how soon, but he knew. I have mixed emotions about this realization... in some ways I think it is meant to be of some comfort to me... but instead it hurts worse. Hurts that he didn't try harder to repair his health, hurts that he didn't let me know of this little tidbit. Hurts that he is gone... hurts that his children are hurting...
I am tired of hearing that he isn't hurting anymore, that he is at peace. But I am selfish, and he left me and his kids hurting... and there is no way to be at peace with it... how can you be at piece with God taking a GREAT father of 4, and husband to someone as weak as me... He was my strength and I need him still...
That is the other thing I hate hearing, is that he is with us, he will always be here... NO HE IS NOT... he is not here, or I wouldn't be hurting so much.
He was so much more than anyone ever knew... people that only got a brief glimpse of him loved him instantly, he was the likable one in our marriage... He knew when I met him he would die young, I blew it off as how can anyone know that... but he did.
I have always loved tragic romance stories... a little morbid I know... but one of my favourites is City of Angels with Meg Ryan and Nicholas Cage. He is a "fallen angel" and falls to Earth to be with her, and he gets one brief night together, then tragedy hits, she was hit by a car and killed. But the part I love, is when the former angels friend asks if it was worth it, would he do it again knowing how brief his time with her would be... and he said yes... even knowing how much it would hurt to lose her it was worth it for that one night... Often lately I have wondered this very thing, with as much hurt as I am feeling, was it worth it? Absolutely. If it hadn't been, it wouldn't hurt so much... right?
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