Regrets

There are always regrets in one's life, but this weekend my head is full of nothing but.
I didn't sleep with him the whole night before he died
I didn't call sooner
I didn't have someone else check on him (there were 2 different opportunities)
I didn't tell him how much he meant to me
There were so many things we want ed to do together
He won't see his wonderful kids grow up
His kids will not have their daddy

I miss him so much, I keep trying to call him to see if he wants a drink. I keep looking for him at places we go. I know he is not happy with some of the decisions I am making on his arrangements... but tough I am here and he is not. He was a donor and I wouldn't let them have his eyes. He was sooo generous and would have given anything, and I would have let them take anything... but his eyes. I loved his eyes they were my favourite part of him.

There are a couple comforts, but they aren't really comforts... just empty thoughts I hope make me feel better. I am sure he knew. He always told me he thought he would die young. He recently said he wanted to be cremated... I said No he will be gone and I will make the decisions... just laughing it off. He also recently told me he did NOT want a 21 gun salute, I said okay. Lately I he has making certain he expressed his feelings to people. I really think he knew. I just wish I did. But I don't think it would have made it any easier. I think he had slipped when I laid down with him before he stopped breathing. I can remember thinking or him telling me I can do this, if he is gone I can do this. I think he told me that.

I am so mad at God right now though. He took my Mom when we were getting close again, and now he took husband. He hated the phrase, "He has a Plan" he saw some AWFUL SHIT with the army and would say what God in his right mind would "plan" this? How could a Loving God take a Father form 4 children who need him? From ME who needs him? If this is God's plan it SUCKS!!! I am going to try to be good, and maybe I will understand it eventually, but my Kids need to be raised in the church and know they will see him again.

This has turned into nothing but my jumbled thoughts and unfortunately that is how they are coming lately. I just wish he was here to help me get through this... but then I wouldn't be going through this right?