The Looks...

I have always loved being the center of attention, and still do in some situations. But as my brother put it best, this is NOT something you want the attention for. He could not have been more right.

The older kids wanted to get back to school right after, and the week leading up to his funeral. They would say funny things like how everyone was extra nice, even people who usually weren't, or that they didn't like the looks they got. I didn't understand what they meant until I got back to work.

I know everyone means well, and several people have helped, or offered help, and would at the drop of a hat. But it is the look that you get, the one that you feel penetrating you, with pity that is hard to take in. I hate being known for my loss.

Besides the pity in the look, there is the not knowing what to say. I know there is nothing to say that will make me feel better... so don't try, there is no obligation.

I hate how you can feel the eyes find you, scope you out, and there are always those certain trusting eyes, that make the tears come. Those are the eyes you avoid. I have gotten good at hiding, in rooms, behind doors, in bathrobes. You can even feel the penetrating looks through the phone. The awkward pauses give it away... I have gotten good at cutting people off and screening calls.

There are times I want to just pretend life hasn't changed and just continue on... and that is when it gets too casual and I mention Him. Then it turns awkward, I feel guilty for forgetting... and then the people I am with don't know how to respond. Then there are the times I just want to talk about Him... but then I start crying... and that just leads to more people not knowing what to say.

Then there is the hugging. How long and how tight is appropriate? I truly appreciate the love, but I think overall I was never a big touchy feely person... except with Him. But I have gotten good at hugs too... I have learned that sometimes that is how I am still standing... from others holding me up.