One week

It has been one week since I lost him. I have been told it gets easier with time, but I think I am just on auto pilot right now, and numb... the pins and needle feeling has not yet kicked in. We had his viewing last night, I don't think he ever realized how many people truly loved him and how many lives he had touched. I feel like I am just being shuffled around as we finish these funeral arrangements, and the funeral takes place. I worry most that as the love and support and comfort that has surrounded us fades that is when it will truly sink in, especially for the kids.

The kids have great friends and great support... but will it continue in a month? a year? 5 years? How am I going to continue to raise these awesome kids without the huge influence of their father? It was he who was larger than life, not me... sometimes I feel like it was because of him I felt so loved in in this life.

I am really tired of hearing how strong I am... I feel like that is simply my protecting the kids and out of necessity... no power of mine. I never could take a compliment well... in fact I just remembered he used to say, "Just say thank you" I had forgotten about that.. til just now. I think that is why I writing is so freeing and such a comfort right now, it brings the good memories close... so he feels close. He could never just leave a compliment a compliment... there was always some snap remark or something after... perhaps that started because he knew it was hard for me to take them.

When he was gone with the military I could never sleep in our bed alone... I would just sleep on the couch... the big empty bed was just too much. I think I may have to either keep my kids in my bed... which is pretty squishy that way, or go back to the couch for a while.

I have one more day I need to be strong... please be with me so I can be for our children... I can have my hard time while they are being held up by others. I feel like this is going to be the day it makes it so final...