Ache

I have this constant ache, this longing that I need him. I awake in the night aching for him, I find myself aching when I am with other couples, I ache at the very thought of him... and nothing fixes it. Originally I thought this was in my head and it would just be something I have to learn to deal with, but I find it more and more physical.

I have finished reading the book, A GRIEF OBSERVED by C.S. Lewis, the first two chapters were hard... It was so exactly what I am feeling... I could only get through a paragraph at a time. Chapter one dealt with how he felt, his aching and longing for his love, that spite for others that are happy when your not, that guilt if you let yourself slip and are happy for a fleeting moment. I was told he was so brave for writing this... and when she discovered what I had written she got a tear in her eye... is it brave to put to paper your true emotions for everyone to see? Or is his writing, like mine, his way of coping, and realized many other could benefit from this.

I not never intended this blog to be overly seen, but as it became my vice for pen my feelings, raw and unedited, I decided to let the people I love see how I am coping with this, see how I am truly feeling. My younger daughter told me she read my blog... and I panicked. I am trying so hard to be strong for them, I did not want them to see me weak... but maybe they need to see how I am in agony over this as well.

In Chapter two, he talks about his wife, his love he lost. Worried about preserving the memory of her, worried about not getting all the memories right and losing that image of her... this made me lose it as well... and not so much for my benefit of his memory, but for my children. I want them to KNOW their father, I want them to remember all the great memories of, and I am so afraid that they will fade.

The third chapter was about his faith in God... I am not quite there yet... I am still so made at God and cursing him, yet I need to be certain my children don't see that, or how am I to raise them in a church by myself, with our beliefs? One of my children asked why God did this... the only answer I could give was this. "I don't know, I wondered why when he took my mom, and quit going because I was so mad at him... and now that he has taken my husband, I have to hope that what I have been taught and have taught you are true, and need to be sure to go to church, in the hope that I will see him again." Is that small chance of seeing him, the hope, enough to get me to church to raise my family in church?

As for the final chapter... I think it was a mere summary... I don't recall, as I mentioned I had not quite gotten to that point in my grieving to take much notice of the chapter. It will however be a companion of mine for a while, a reference to check where I am in my grief.

I know time will make this ache go away... but there will always now be a part of me missing. And it will take a lot of time before the guilt of being happy without him subsides. I think this is the fact I hate the most, because he would not have that... in fact this is where he should be holding me close and offering me great words of comfort... "You know I love you, and always will... I will be here watching over you and the kids. You need to be strong for them... I know you can do this"... or something like that (those were similar to what he said to me when I lost my mom)