Flowers

I hate how sweet my house smells with flowers, I used to love it because when I walked in and smelled them I know my hubby had gotten me flowers... now it is just a reminder that I won't get them from him anymore.

I feel numb because I have a list a mile long a places/people to call about him dying... and I need to be strong to get through it, but really I feel like I should be crying at every mention of his name.

It feels so unreal to think I will never feel him touch me again. Or him his voice call me again. I hate going to sleep because I know I will never wake up with him beside me again.

I feel like such a fake being strong in front of the kids, really I want to break down into someones arms as well... but the arms I want are no longer there.

I am so scared that I have to raise these kids on my own now... I love hearing how respectful, and what good kids they are... but half of that influence is gone now. How am I suppose to fill that void? I keep cleaning out and purging stuff, that feels like a constant reminder of the fact that he is gone... and I feel guilty for doing it right away... like there should be some waiting time or something. But I just need a fresh start, without the constant reminder of the fact that he is gone.

I am so glad I can write my thought out, it is calming and a good alternative to my wanting to curl up in a ball and cry.

I just feel numb... numb like this isn't really happening to me, numb as I try to calming clean out some of his things, numb as I try to be strong and comfort the kids, numb as I try to make myself eat when I am not hungry, numb as I lay down in bed emotionally drained and fall asleep out of shear exhaustion.