I haven't posted on here for a while because I was getting ready for the holidays, but also because I think with so much going on with Christmas and stuff, I have gotten kinda numb again. I think it is the mind and body's way of helping myself recover a little so I can be there for my kids.
For a while I had to hold it in until the kids left for school, then I would lose it in the shower, which is great for washing away the tears. But the last week or so I have just felt kinda numb. That is the best word to describe how I am feeling. I have been close to losing it, even felt the tears start building up, but they never fell. The only time I have lost it even a little is when the kids lost it at the cemetery on Christmas, and when his grandma was asking how we were doing.
I feel guilty feeling this numb, where I am usually being teased for what a boob I am crying at movie previews even, I feel I have not shed enough tears for the loss of my husband. I tell myself it is just because I need to be strong for the kids, but then I worry I am going to break down and lose it when I am least prepared. Then I look back at events leading up to it and i think I knew as well, and had been preparing myself for this, but then I feel guilty if I had known why didn't I do more to prevent it? Maybe I have just hit a point where I am thinking to logically about it and therefore avoiding the emotional which I am so accustomed to.
Even now while I am writing about this which is hard for me to focus on and deal with, and usually I am crying over the keyboard, I am simply typing my thoughts, with little emotion spilling out. Does that make me cold? Perhaps he is just here with me helping me through it knowing how I hated how emotional I would get and is simply holding me together.
A good friend gave me an awesome gift that was very thought out. A full keyboard which I can carry around with me, and type my thoughts while I am out. Then simply plug it into the computer to download it onto my blogs and such. Perhaps with my writing being more accessible I can get back to my emotional writing.
