Because I posted earlier about my lack of emotion, now I feel the flood coming at every little memory. I have called these accidental memories, the little things that set me off as I come across them unexpected... I want to get my basement set up so that I have his flag and his awards set up so I have an intentional place of remembrance for him.
His boss called today and was able to get me 4 recording of him talking with customers, I recognized the number, but couldn't place it, it bothered me how fast I had forgotten it. I hate thinking "he would like this" because I can't even discuss it with him. I hate going somewhere and hearing them try to calculate numbers, because he would have had it figured out by the time they had typed the first number into the calculator. I hate listening to music and wondering who it was, he would have known and laughed at me for not knowing. I hate Harry Potter now, we would always fall asleep watching them and discuss what bugged us about the movies compared the the books... I haven't watched or read Harry Potter since, except when I took the kids to the new movie. I hate being alone. Sure I have the kids, but I miss talking to him, to my companion, how could he have left me?
I think I am dealing with it ok, and I'm functioning ok, then I get so mad at him for not being here, for not taking better care of himself, for not letting me be there and go to the doctor with him. I hate people pretending they knew him or knew how close we were, even other widows that think they are helping or think they know what I am going through. They don't realize all that he and I went through, we grew up together, we were together so young, we were closer than I think anyone ever realized, no one knew him, or understood him like I did, and the same went for him. No one knew me like him, he knew every side of me. My private self, my public self, the nice me, the naughty me. There is no one that will ever know me as well as he did, or ever will. I feel so alone. Not even my family or my kids know me. I have lost all the closest people to me, my mom, then my husband, in less than 3 years. My sister has been awesome, so have my close friends, but it is not the same. Part of me is missing, my better half that made me who I am, that made our children who they are, how am I suppose to continue that without him?
I think that is part of why I write to cope with this, because I have kept this pretty anonymous I feel I can write exactly how I feel. There is no other way to feel I can write with this raw emotion if I worried people would read this and judge me. Even still I find myself holding back, where I wouldn't with him.
It's not even the emotional longing for him that is hard, I miss touching him, sex, his touch, teasing each other, messing around in bed and fighting over dumb things, like him poking me, or farting on me, or if I would tickle his ear and it would make him shutter.
I told you the flood is coming, I can't seem to stop now, I miss him so much and I physically ache for him, I don't understand how god could take someone so important to me away from me, from our kids, and so young, he was such a good man, he had so much more to offer. And I know that is me being selfish, because he was in so much pain, emotionally and physically, and he would only let me know of such a small portion of it, and I did my best to help, but I know he was bearing much more than anyone should have to be put through, but he did, he did for his family. And silly me expected him to do it... perhaps if I wasn't so demanding he would still be here.
I hurt, I am in so much constant pain with this huge part of my life missing, but I hurt even worse when I see my kids hurting. They are young and will get through this, but why should they have to? Why should god have to test them with something as hard as this?
I hate being alone, so much that late at night I wonder if I will find someone else... then I feel so guilty for even thinking that, and I just ache more. I hate being alone, I hate not having him, I hate having to put on this false face everyday to show the kids we can get through this. I sometimes think this is the only reason I am getting through this, by putting on my false face and showing the kids we can do this.
You hear these things that god takes people who have served their purpose in their life... so what did god need him back so quickly for? what purpose does he have for him? I also hear god doesn't give us trials we can't handle, so what the hell have I done to show I can handle all these things in my life? a teenage pregnancy and young marriage, which we did, with 16 years of marriage and 4 children later that would have continued for years more. Then he takes my mom at only 55, I got through this thanks to my loving husband. I got through all these trial why the hell does he think I need to got through losing him as well? Haven't I dealt with enough? Perhaps I am not strong enough yet? If I prove I am strong is god just going to torture me more? I am not sure what else I can handle...
