I am tired of hearing it will get easier with time... I feel like it is getting worse lately, and not just my emotions. My kids are pushing me, harder and harder it seems. I can't expect them to help with anything, unless I yell, cry, or call a family member to come be the bad guy. The kids and I always had our ups and downs, but there were two of us... he mediated between me and my similar personality child, and I did the same for him with the similar personality child. Now I just clash with both. These teens are now pushing and taking advantage of my weak moments, and doing things they would not ordinarily do. I want to throttle them.
Then there are my blow ups, they can be mad and yell and stomp off, but then have the nerve to be annoyed if I don't come home pleasant to them... they are not my husband and can't say that to me, they are the children and have to listen to me... I am trying to deal with it, but am struggling with how lately.
I feel awful because I blew up, swore, yelled freaked out... I took away an outing to swim... but then when I was getting ready to leave because I needed space, heard them fighting... I couldn't leave them alone to kill each other... so I gave in and we went swimming. Then dumb me let one of the pouting teens leave. What the hell was I thinking? How could I be so dumb? I am shaking I am so mad right now.
This all came after a late night of not sleeping... which contributed to a bad day at work, overtired and overemotional, broke down when a song came on the radio, then freaked out at the kids when I got home. They are not contributing and doing thier chores, which they never would have gotten away with had he been here. Then I blew up, and not nice, I was mean, a me I never want to see again. But one thing I said in that rage stuck with me, and I know it is true. My oldest was being a smart ass and said "Ask me nice" I lost it then even more. I said everyone else has had a turn to be mad, mad at me, mad at the world, mad at others... It was my turn to be mad. I needed to be mad, just not at the kids. While they were in school I would scream and yell and be mad then, It has been a week and a half, with them around, and I didn't mean to be mad at them, but I was. It was just all the things that lead up to it, a new bed broken, an inappropriate outfit trying to slip out of the house, jobs not even touched, and no effort to get ready for things I was planning.
I realized too late I took it out on the wrong people, and went into the garage and punched his punching bag, I hurt my hand and went in and told the kids to get ready... I figured we needed a fresh start with the night... so we will see how it ends.
