So I have lots of mixed feelings on a couple things. I have always thought I knew him best, and I still do, but there are little things I find out, bits and pieces, of things he would do, that I am not sure how to take... and not really even sure if it matters... but it keeps haunting me a little so it does matter to me.
To know where I am coming from you have to know about the first part of our dating... and he would hate me to tell this... I was a goody goody, never even daring to do anything one toe out of line... while he would push as far as he could, then push a little more. One time he I caught him drinking "water" (only it was a little stronger) and I had a little freak out... " I DIDN"T KNOW YOU DRANK, I CAN"T DATE SOMEONE WHO DRINKS!" to which he quickly disposed of his drink, and vowed not to drink again... I felt so loved, I had changed a "man" (he was still a teenager) for the better because of my love. Over dramatic, yes, but I was a teenager then myself.
There are things I have found out since he passed that have made me wonder why he couldn't confide in me. I had known most his secrets, and his weaknesses, why did he not trust me with other things?
Then I had a couple different perspectives on this. One mutual friend felt he was some how shielding me from these things, but went on to say "I think it was a disservice to you, because you were stronger than he thought and could have handled it" This line of thinking hurts simply because I think I should have been stronger for him, not so naive that he felt I needed protecting.
The other view is that he didn't want me to think less of him... this line of thinking hurts so much more... That he would have thought for a second that he could have done anything that would have made me think less of him... if this is the case than I simply didn't show him how much he truly meant to me.
I wish I could have just a little more time with him... there are so many things I feel were left hanging, whys, and how comes, and just one more opportunity to let him know how much I love him.
I thought I was doing pretty good today... but then memories of him would creep in, and distract me, making them my focus. I can't even remember what first set it off, the tears just came out of no where. Then after a quick breakdown, I regained composure and set out top finish my classes. But those damn tears were so on the verge, one slip into my thoughts and not my action, and they were right there seeping out.
I thought I had finished getting it out of my system when I got to my other commitments later. I had ran into an old high school friend who knew him as well, and I was telling her how he had passed... about a month ago. A MONTH ago. I still can't believe it has been that long, and it just hit me so hard, putting that time frame on it. I have not had him in my life for a month... not a day goes by I wish I could have better savored those 17 and a half years I had him. (We had been married just over 16years, but dated a year and a half before. And we knew we belonged to each other the day we met) we had joked on our anniversary we had been with each other more than half our lives...
The hole that was ripped from me the day he died has not seemed to heal, mend, or fill itself in any way... it has only grown. Grown a little with every thought of what he will be missing; weddings, graduations, grandchildren; all these milestones I will have to go through alone. It grows every time I think he would like this, or we should do this this, or when I realize it will always only be me now...
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