His Last Day

I don't know why I have felt so compelled to write this in detail, but I don't ever want to forget it. There is so much guilt involved in this, and yet I feel like I need to put it out there. I am putting this here where my it is more about me, and less likely to be seen.

The last night when I returned from work at night He told me to hurry downstairs, we were having a movie night, I argued and said it was a school night, and he insisted... I am so glad he did. He asked me to shave his head, it had gotten long for him and when it was long it was easier in the shower, once again he insisted on doing it that night, so I obliged. After I finished and He and I laid on the bean bag to finish watching Harry Potter 6 so we were ready for the new movie next week. He hugged me and pulled me in close like we did every night, it was our position to sleep in. He kissed my neck sweetly, and then as he often did playfully bit my neck, and hold me he loved me. I didn't realize this would be our last interaction.

I dozed off shortly before he did, but not for long. I awoke to his snoring. He didn't usually snore unless he was throughly exhausted and deeply asleep. I would usually have woken him up and dragged him to bed for a better night's sleep but I knew he had been exhausted, and opted to sleep down stairs on the bean bag. After about an hour of trying to sleep through his snoring, I gave up and went upstairs... something I rarely did, I hated sleeping alone, and usually couldn't, except that I hadn't slept well the previous night and I was exhausted. I had to work in the morning and needed sleep, I justified it to myself. How I regret that decision. I slept okay, not great, and awoke to wake up Him and the kids. I couldn't wake him up, which had happened twice in the last couple month's. He would get so exhausted and just need to sleep and catch up. He was still snoring so I thought he was okay. It is only after the fact I think back and wonder if it was really snoring and whether I should have called then. I called his boss and apologized and explained how he was over-exhausted again. Then got kids up and out the door.

I went down and tried once again to wake him up with no luck. I was still tired, and while he was still "snoring" I thought I will just lay with him a while. I remember laying by him thinking how odd he didn't pull me in like he usually did when I laid by him, but simply pulled his arm over me and closed my eyes. I remember fading off asleep and Him saying, almost dreamlike, "You can do this, if I am gone you can do this." I remember repeating "I can do this" and fell asleep.

Then I heard The door and woke startled, Kris was not snoring, it was too quiet, and he was not breathing either. His sister came down and we called 911. They coached us on CPR and arrived shortly and did their best as well. I found out later they said he had been dead for a couple hours... shortly after I laid by him and went to sleep. It haunts me to think if I had been more aware I could have prevented this... however it comforts me to know he went peacefully and had the faith in me that I could do it.

I hate thinking I simply laid there hearing him tell me "if I am gone" and I did nothing. I know I simply thought it was a lame dream at the time, but looking back it is the thing that will forever haunt me... could I have prevented this? I tell myself he wouldn't have wanted to be saved, stuck in a hospital room for who knows how long dealing with tests and things... but I think at least I would still have him.

I know it is not good to dwell on regrets and guilt, but I have felt for a couple weeks I needed to write these last few hours with him down, so I would never forget them.

I miss him more than words can tell, and while I try to paint on a positive face for my kids I ache. The only thing that hurts worse than the void I feel without him is the pain I see my children going through with this loss. I hate not being able to fix it, and they know all the lies I tell are just lies I have hurt. "It will get easier" "Time will make it easier" We just have to relearn life without him... and when he was such a huge part of that life it is too hard.