People...GRRR

I am one of those people who tend to think the world revolves around me most of the time. However being an adult, I have learned it only does this on rare occasions, and then I need to step back and realize there are other people, who have their own issues as well. That being said I do get where some of these "people" I refer to are coming from... but then again they are people who are close to us, so I don't.

As I said before as an adult I have realized that the world doesn't only revolve around me, but as a parent, I feel it should still on occasion revolve around my children. This trying time with our lose especially. They are what keeps me going, I need to know they will be okay. That is why these last couple days with silly people have bothered me.

The first: I was told I have to answer my phone when certain people call. I am dealing with a HUGE loss, honestly I don't HAVE to do anything, I chose to go to work so I can keep my job, I chose to take my children to where they need to go because I think it is important for them. And if I choose to not answer the phone while I am having an especially hard day I should not be given grief for it. I do understand your concern, and if it is important, leave me a message so I know what I am responding to. But since the 12th of November my phone rings continually, and I do have other things that need to be done other then repeating myself over and over again, answering the same questions everyone asks. I do understand you are just checking on me, and seeing how I am doing, but if you require a return call, TELL ME.

The second: Because of not talking or making time to be with someone, they are assuming they have done something wrong or I am upset with them. Again the world does NOT revolve around you! There is obviously something wrong, I just lost my husband, it has nothing to do with you. I also have 4 children who have various activities that keep us busy, I also have 3 jobs, do NOT get offended if I can't drop everything to be there for you, or talk to you. I have obligations I am trying to get through, and until we are a little further into raising my children alone, THEY are my top priority, not your feelings. I do get you are trying to help, and are having a hard time with this loss yourself, but I need to be able to raise my kids my way without having to justify to you, or be the mean one ALL the time. ( I am going to as it is, I don't need to be made to look like it by others)

The third: People avoiding talking to me about HIM. Believe it or not, I am ALWAYS reminded of him, even if it seems I am distracted by other things I am doing. It is more insulting for you to avoid the subject, or eye contact by being coy. I have not changed, I still like to chat, and laugh, it is merely my circumstances that have changed, and how I am reacting to them. I hate how people avoid looking at me, or if they do it is with pity. I hate that people avoid talking to me, and if they do it is without looking at me or simply asking the questions they want to know. It is more insulting that you pretend he didn't exist, or that you forgot him. It is the memories of him that helps us get through somedays. It is knowing that people will continue to remind my kids what they loved about their father so they can remember to love that about him as well.

I took the kids to a group session of grief counseling provided by the mortuary. I think it will ultimately be good for all of us, while some of the kids are not wanting to pursue it. There were a couple of things that were brought up that I thought were very helpful. One was to write our feelings and thoughts about our loved one we lost, and place them in a Christmas ornament, then we can be able to look at it a year from now and reflect. I couldn't make myself do it. It would hang on the tree as a constant reminder of who was not there. I feel like I am keeping up on this blog for that exact reason. Although I do not believe I have shared how I feel towards Him on this particular blog (I think I did on my family one so my kids could see it, this blog has become my "poor me" type blog, my personal feelings which is why I avoid names, and don't have my profile on here) Another thing I felt was helpful was a worksheet on traditions, where you could be prepared with what you can handle this Holiday season, and what you cannot. It felt a little lighter to hear it was okay to skip certain traditions. (Although some of which I had already planned on skipping, it was nice to hear it was okay). The last thing I really liked that I got from it was the idea of writing a grief letter. A letter to others telling what you are going through and what you need form others, whether it be space, time to cry, help with certain tasks. I think this is what brought up this post. I need to tell these "people" how I am feeling with this added stress, and what I need from them is to back off a little.

Thanks to my loved ones who read this and wouldn't take this personally and will look at it as a new widows venting, trying to make sense of something that will never make sense. Please understand I love all of you and just want time to deal with this my way.