Drowning

This week marks two years since I lost Kris. Some days I think I am a rock star and can do no wrong! I get homework done on time, I get bills paid on time, the house doesn't look like a complete wreck and the kids all manage to shower and dress in clean clothes... then there is lately...

I am questioning everything I do, every decision I make, my kids, my job, my school... I feeling like I have been barely staying afloat, that flapping around trying not to drown for so long that I can't even doggy paddle... 

I should be fine financially, but every month I feel like I barely make it. I am borrowing from friends and family so I have gas money to go to school and work. I am pawning anything of value not immediately needed for food the last week of each month. And now my rent has gone up a 100 dollars a month, I am tired of having to do it all. I am dreading when the kids get their licenses because I know insurance will go up, and I will need a new car... My car is slowly going down hill and needs some serious repairs. I know I need to do more home meals and less fast food, but when we truly have limited time between work, school activities, and kids stuff and it gets to be 10 o'clock and they are hungry... it is what happens. I try to do the crock pot meals or the frozen ones, but you have to be home to do so... I know everyone's solution/suggestion is to 1) have my kids cut down on extra stuff and 2) have the teens get a job... there are problems with those... I want them to focus on school... they are finally getting it together after Kris died, why would I want to upset it again? They need their extra stuff to keep busy, plus it will help when they want to explore colleges, and why limit their potential? Besides with a job I am back to my dilemma of how to get them their with one car and one driver... and if I get another car/driver there goes my tight budget again. 

Then there is my school, I am drowning in homework, everytime I think I have a minute to work on it, the kids need to be here or there. By the time night hits and the kids are in bed I am exhausted and can't focus on anything! Then there are my options... a) if I bust my ass off and work hard I can complete my teaching requirements in spring and summer semesters, making me eligible for an internship, which would be great! It could turn into a job, I would get full benefits and half pay, it would could as my student teaching and my first year teaching (meaning I would start my second official year at a year 2 pay raise). I just don't want to overwhelm myself for this option, when I am already there... but it could be the best getting my a job teaching faster, and increase my income solving another stress, but I would have to pay for summer semester out of my spring student loans, meaning I will have to be very disciplined (I pay ahead on some bills so I am not too tight throughout school) I would also need to continue to take some dance classes on the side to complete my dance endorsement because I will be over full time as it is, and still need certain classes for the endorsement...meaning I can be teaching by fall 2013... b) Stay on the track I am on, graduating in three semesters and taking a couple dance classes a semester which I will still have a couple classes I need for my endorsement once I start teaching, but will be closer, and will have my full teaching degree... meaning I can be teaching my 2014...c) take an extra year and complete both my English degree and dance degree so I won't have to take any classes while I am teaching... but this will add to my student loans, but they will still be available, and it will help secure me a job... teaching by 2015... I just don't know what to do :(

Then there is my mess of a house, how can it get so messy when we are never here except to sleep? I try to catch up on it, but then I realize I have homework due, or the kids have something. I know it needs to happen, but I just can't seem to find the time. Kris was the one who would make certain it got done, I am so disorganized as well and I hate it, but I can't find the time or energy to do anything about it. (sure I could/should be doing it now, but all this has been building up and if I don't voice it I will explode on the wrong person... again [I will get to that later]) 

The kids things, I am so busy with fulfilling both roles as mother and father, I feel like they are both lacking a great deal... I have not been as focused on Clay and school as I should be, he is not doing well in school academically and I have not encouraged it, I was so good and on top of it with the others, because I had help... Kris did homework and made dinner while I was at work, I did it when I was home and he would run kids everywhere. There is a reason we are meant to parent together... be so grateful for that help if you still have it! I have not been as on top of Bren's scouts as I should have been, and he is barely going to be able to pull off this eagle, as long as I keep on top of it. The girls I feel are doing better, but I am still not as involved as I once was, and I feel that because of that they are trying to handle things alone that I should be there with them doing. 

I can't think of the last time I did something selfish for me, something I wanted just for me, and I miss Kris making sure I did, because he saw value in having time for ourselves. He would force it on me even if I didn't want it, and I would be so grateful after recognizing I needed it. I miss having him here because he was so in tune with what I needed, even when I wasn't. The day before he died I blew up at the kids school for hanging up on me and being rude... He calmly told me he would handle it and he did. I miss his calm approach to things, it was consistent, even if he had an immediate response, he knew the benefit of remaining clam... I don't, especially when I get protective of my kids... I react and ask questions after... he would assess it, ask questions and respond accordingly... I did it again today... I reacted protecting my child, and attacked a family friend. I thought I was being a good parent and handling it, but I attacked before questioning it, and I may have hurt a good friendship because of it. I had so many things (obviously) that that had been my final straw and I took it out on the entirely wrong person.

I miss going to him for advice... I can ask around, and friends and family all have their opinions, but they are not directly affected by in so they are not as invested to look at all the options... I question myself daily on everything, especially for the kids. I am failing slowly as a parent and I feel I am reaching a point I may not be able to recover from.

I am not happy about any aspect of me. I hate constantly questioning myself, I hate how I react, I hate feeling like i need to always put on a front, I hate how I look, I hate how I feel, I hate me more and more... and I am usually the one most impressed with myself. 

I miss my friends, I have no time for them, and I need them, they are who I need to buoy me up right now. I love my job and I love being involved in the Nutcracker, but I am so overwhelmed by everything right now, the Thanksgiving break can't come fast enough. I miss Kris. I knew when the anniversary of his passing came and went I and I was fine... it would come, it would hit, and here it is. I am broken. I feel as though I am beyond repair sometimes... I think I need to go to the cemetery for a good cry... 

2 years...

While it seems like forever, and yet also so recent, it has been exactly two years since I lost my husband. I miss him.

Rainy day...

Maybe it is the drizzling rain, or just the atmosphere that it seems to bring with it, but it is on days like this I really find myself missing Kris. I need to leave for work in 15 minutes, and yet I have been sitting here sobbing for 45 mins, when the kids all left for school. I just want him to be there for me, hold me tell me things will work out. I want him here to talk to the kids when they are struggling. I am not the patient one, he is. So then after crying uncontrollably for some time I decide to look at pictures, and cry more, then I play his voice clips, and cry more, and now I can't stop. I was already stressed, and I thought I had been doing good, then I have these break downs, and I just want him back. I think I trick myself, I tell myself I am doing good, to look at what I have accomplished, that I am being strong for the kids... but I think it is me trying to lure me into a false comfort zone so I can continue to fake it. Because I feel like these breakdowns (and while they have become much less frequent) are how I feel all the time... but I simply suppress the emotions that want to come out. Then I fell like this broken person pretending to be ok. I am good at this "OK" me. I have returned to school, and done pretty good, maintained my job, pushed the kids in their school, even made myself start to date (although the only one I have enjoyed is with a friend I have know for years, and knew I was comfortable with him). SO what is wrong with me? Do I sabotage myself with these breakdowns? Or is it because I try to restrain them I fall apart so completely when they hit? Last year I was given the opportunity to have family pictures done by a photo studio, I declined it because I was not ready see those family pictures, with a huge someone missing from them. They told me to call anytime when I was ready to do them, and I thought maybe this year I am ready... but this breakdown shows I am not. I have had several widowed friends recently remarry... and they were widowed around the same time as I was... and at first I think I am so jealous that they have found happiness again, but then I realize I am not ready... I don't want anyone except Kris... I began writing because I thought it would help sort out my thoughts and calm me down before work, but that has not been the case, I am still sobbing, and now need to leave (but get ready first)... I want to be done with this...

Am I an MIA Parent?

Lately I have not been doing good... not sure if it is because we are approaching the 2 year mark, or because I am the only person pushing to keep me from curling up and becoming a hermit, and I am starting to lose this battle... but I am not in a good place.

I sleep, ALOT, just not good. every free minute I can I take a nap. Before Kris passed it was a sign of me slipping into depression, now I justify it because I don't sleep well at night. At night I toss and turn waking up often, or just lay there trying to fall asleep until I realize I have been laying there for hours and it is now 2 am and I have yet to sleep. Then on weekends when work is done I come home and sleep, until I realize I haven't fed the kids, and don't even know where half of them are. I am sure the neighborhood thinks I am the worst mom since my youngest is out until late playing with lots of friends... My other ones come and go with friends, but when any of them are here it is usually watching tv or playing on the computer... I am certain because that is the example I am setting.

I don't claim to have been a perfect parent before, but I am much further from it than I have ever been, and rather than snapping me out of this funk, I find it pushing me further into it, giving up, figure why bother. I make excuses for myself, and they are bad excuses too... like justifying naps as I am just tired rather than the depression I am sure it is. A headache that until recently would have barely been a hiccup in my day (I have constant headaches for as long as I can remember) now seem to require all day in bed. I have no reason to clean my room since before it was because Kris cared, and now it is just me and I don't care.

I justify TV because I need that background noise, I hate the quiet. I hate who I am and who I have become. I miss people. I miss friends making an effort to check on me. I was never good at asking for help, or admitting I need it... but I got better when Kris passed because I had to for the kids. Now they have become pretty self sufficient and I let them, and don't ask for help as much as I should.

I have people offering help and asking what they can do for me... but I hate to admit failure in any aspect of my life, and I honestly wouldn't know where to ask anyone to start. Money is tight for us, but I am sure it is for everyone, and time is valuable, so why would I ask someone to give up their time? My house need to be cleaned, but how embarrassing is it that I have more than capable people here who just don't care enough to clean. (Don't get me wrong, our house is not filthy or anything, just needs some order). I guess I need a friend who will just check on me, and ignore my arguments of offers to help... but I think I push friends like that away.

I have so many different friends, my dance family friends, my family friends, ikea friends, neighborhood and ward friends, old school friends, but I feel like I am still missing such a huge friend with kris being gone. I miss someone caring about things I care about if only it is because I care about them that he cares... I miss having someone that cares about me that no matter how busy he may get, I know he will make time for me, I miss someone to hold me and care about me to stay with me for hours listening to my irrational stresses and insist it will all work out, I miss that friend who knew when to tell me to snap out of it when I was being pathetic...

Hair Dye...

This is going to be a strange post about one reason I miss my hubby...

A couple weeks ago I was with a friend who shaves his head bald like Kris did (well I did for him). He had nicked himself and I commented on how well he did despite that. He said he had gotten good at it by relying on feel. I joked and said Kris got good at it by asking me. He said I am sure he would be much easier with someone to help... and maybe it was more that personal touch and service from someone and to someone you care about. I had been reflecting on this off and on since then... I miss being of service to him... but tonight I realized I miss that service from him just as much if not more...

I have always been very blonde, until my youngest son was born when my hair went to a darker blonde. I lived with it for a while, but soon after didn't feel like myself... and since then I have had a love hate relationship with hair dye. I had highlights put in, low lights put in, and liked those ok, but the cost of up keep was a lot for a young broke couple with 4 kids... plus it wasn't my blonde self. So I talked to a hairdresser friend of mine about which bleach to buy for my hair. She gave me all the info and Kris and I both went to the beauty supply to get it and find out how to do it. We went home and I got the majority of my hair coated, but he helped finish up making certain I hadn't missed any spots, and it always came out well. Even the fun colours I would do to amuse myself, my kids, and my students for Halloween and summer, and any other holidays I could justify having pink or orange hair. (I even tried red and brown and black... but none of them suited me as well).

Tonight I tried again to bleach the roots of my hair and even it out from the last time when I missed spots. It still came out uneven. SO I decided to try my orange dye I had bought for Halloween to hide that fact. It still looks blotchy... but I am ok with it. It reminds me of who is missing. That while I do ok on my own, it will never be as good as it was with him.

Not myself...

I have come to the conclusion that while I try my best to put on the appearance that I am doing well, and I am back to my busy self after the loss of Kris... I am not. I am simply imitating how I want to be, but in reality, I come home and curl up and sleep. I have many obligations that I have committed myself and the kids too, and while I am very busy, I cling to the idea of just zoning out. I feel like I am always exhausted and I am always playing catch-up on something, whether it be money, homework, housework, kids things... I am always falling short. It is like I crave that sleep, zoning out time because I am unaware for that short time of how lonely I am, and how much I miss Kris... but when I am awake, I am so aware and I just want to forget or pretend it didn't happen. I am almost 2 years out from that horrible day... I thought I would be able to function better by now. I think I thought the support I had so strong from outside sources would still be there. I hate asking for helping, or even admitting I need it, and the first year, people would just help, and not wait for me to ask. Now I feel like I need help more than ever, and even when people offer I can't accept it, because I don't know what I need, or where to start. I am the one who can get everything done, who has a lot on her plate, who finds time to make that extra effort... but lately I can't make any effort for me or let alone anyone else, and I need to.

Hopeless...

I have been doing really great... and then it hit. That crushing feeling of hopelessness that seems to suck the very air you breath away from you as quickly as it can, leaving you gasping for that crucial life support.

It started earlier this week as kids were getting sick one by one... then it hit me. After caring for them, and being at their every need, I just wanted someone to do it for me, just a little.

Then came the day of a huge test, for I had some time to kill, and I just wanted to call Kris to hear some last minute words of encouragement... but there was no one I could call to kill that time, or hear those words. Then after the test when it resulted in such huge mixed emotions (scored really good and high, except on one section, and had to have at least 19 on each section, my bad one was a 17) I just wanted Kris to be there, to tell me it was ok. But he wasn't and I sobbed the whole way home.

Then today, I have a great interview and qualify for a job that will be my foot in the door for teaching, and no one to share in my excitement. I am suppose to attend a widow conference, and I feel like I am so pressed down with these feelings lately that I can't bring myself to go... so here I am crying.

I am tired of making big decisions, and money issues, trying to raise these kids right, all on my own. I feel like I get through one major stress and I have 50 more waiting for me to tackle them... and I can't do it anymore...

I just want to curl up in a ball and be done... I either do nothing but eat, or I am so overwhelmed I can't eat. I have gained so much weight I feel so ugly and self hating lately. I know I feel better when I make myself exercise, run, or dance... but between running kids everywhere I just don't have the time. I think if Bren and Tay would hurry and get their license it would help... but then I worry I can't afford the insurance... plus I would need a second car, which I can't afford either.

I am overwhelmed with homework and wonder frequently what they was was I thinking going back to school... but then I realize I need to do this to survive... but it is so overwhelming and I feel myself getting further and further behind.

My house seems to never be clean, I am never home to enforce the help I need, and when I finally am home they aren't so I try to do it myself but something else comes up, or I need to go somewhere.

It has almost been 2 years! Can't I be done with this yet? I want him back!

Missing him lots...

Lately I have been a wreck, every little thing seems to set me off. But at the same time I am finally to a point where I can remember something about him and not collapse in tears.

I found myself at the cemetery late last night. ( I seem to always go late, I feel I can yell and say anything without others hearing it.) My latest struggle has been feeling so alone. I am so grateful that I have my kids with me, but sometimes despite the fact that they are around, I feel so alone. I hate the nights the most. It dawned on me just last night that the reason I don't sleep well is because I hate falling asleep alone, I hate waking up alone. It is easier to try to stay awake.

I am also wondering if I am throwing myself into dating too soon. I wonder if my loneliness is more missing him, or just the company. I know I am trying to fill a void. Late at night I will search facebook, when I see a group of friends I havent seen for a while I will invite them to lunch, dinner, anything to have something to look forward to, something to get me out of the house. Plus if I plan it when the day arrives I HAVE to go, since I planned it. Other times when I get an invite when the day arrives, I want to crawl in my bed and avoid the world.

Who would have thought there would be such HUGE differences between the first year out and the second. (And not just because we have moved) The first year I had friends and family trying to get me out, keep me social, checking on me. This year I feel like I have to be the one driving me to get out. I feel forgotten. The first year people were expecting the emotions to be right there, this year when they hit me or the kids, I often hear quietly "Hasn't it been a while", or "Isn't time they move on" or just that look, the look that used to be pity, but now it looks more like they are rolling their eyes in their head.

Also I am tired of hearing that if this were to happen to them they don't think they would date again, or could date again, or some other form of I can't believe you are doing that. Well then I hope you are never forced into this awkward position. While I am a very independent person and always have been (Ask my aunt, one thing she said to me after I lost Kris was, "Independent Alli is going to have to learn to ask for help". The first year I got really good at asking for help. I was confident in what I was doing was right, and wasn't over stretching my budget or myself. But now I find I am in a new house with a rent 3 times what it was before. I have felt many times that it was the right decision to move here, and had lots of confirmation it was right, but I hate to ask for help because maybe I am wrong and I did overstep. But I do know it was right to not have a drastic move for the kids right now. They needed as little change as possible. So when things get tight, I hate to even ask... since in many ways I put myself in this position.

I also hate hearing that the kids need to go work, get a job, help provide. They were forced into such an adult situation far too young, why would I expect them to put themselves into another adult situation before they need to be? I get they need to help out, and they do when they can. My oldest has been mowing lawns and doing other odd jobs as needed. But he needs to focus on school right now and graduating... he shut down after his dad died and has lots to catch up on... so why would I add a job to his stress. He is learning to balance many things, like school, and extra curriculars like the ballroom team, wrestling, and dance, all of which will help get into a good college. My oldest daughter has been babysitting and pitching in whenever she can as well... but she needs to focus on school too. I appreciate the advice, but as far as how to raise our kids, Kris and I actually talked about it quite a bit, so I know what his wishes were.

I miss arguing with him... trying to prove a point only to find he totally agrees with me. I miss someone caring about stuff I like, even if he didn't. The other day I was looking forward to the showing of No Doubt's new video... I just wanted someone to act interested, take an interest in something I was looking forward too... do you think any of my four kids would watch it with me? Nope... now kris would laugh at me and tease me for being so excited, but he would watch it with me, if only to humor me. I want someone to care about things I am interested in again... even if it is attached with his usual comment, "you know I really don't care right?" I know he could care less about a scrapbook page I made, or a video I liked, or even my ideas for music for work... but he would listen and tell me he loved me, and liked how excited I would get about things.

I haven't physically hurt from missing him in a while, but lately I have been aching, I have just curled up in bed more and more lately. I need to get out and live again... but it is hard when I am feeling forgotten. The kids are great, but they have friends they prefer to be with friends... and then they are finally home spending time with me, but want my constant attention. "Do my hair" "rub my back" take me to my friends" "take my friend home" "can we have mcdonalds" rarely is it about me. I hate to sound like a spoiled brat, or like I need some attention... but once in a while I do.

Healing...

In the past twenty months I have been on an emotional roller coaster that many days feels I am still riding. I have read articles, listened to advice from not only friends and family, but also those who have been on the ride, and still I struggle to find something that heals my wounds. Sure there are lots of band-aids that seem to hold myself together at the seam while I am trying to heal emotionally, but often something rips it off, revealing the wound, and reopening it, until I can quickly find another band-aid...

Some of the most common things that rip that covering off are seeing my kids miss their father, hearing friends complain about their spouse, hearing about parent's that have chosen to be absent from their kids lives, weddings, holidays, cooking, late sleepless nights, his favourite movie or book, or food... I could go on and on...

But what I wanted to focus on was what heals these wounds, and I want it known there will ALWAYS be a scar, he left a HUGE mark on our lives and that just doesn't "go away" as anyone who has lost a loved one can attest too, but there are things that heal the wound, not simply cover it, and I have learned the distinction between them as I ride this journey.

My band-aids for this past year, have been hiding in my house. Keeping overly busy with school, work. Driving, going anywhere but home where I again face the harsh reality that he is no longer there.  TV shows, movies, internet... media that benefits no one, but allows me to zone out far too often than necessary.

Recently I have realized what truly helps me heal. Devoting individual time with each of my children, it allows me a view into what they are feeling, and helps me stretch to find ways that helps us both. Spending time with genuine friends and family... not just "fillers' that fill a void. (Yes I have met a few of these, past friends who make it fill like the owe it to me or Kris, "dates" I have gone on, groups I fill like a third wheel being there.) Writing, I have realized in the past few months where I have done less writing I am feeling myself dip back into earlier days of these journey where I feel kinda helpless, and I have not been writing. Writing helps me see on paper how far I have come... help me see solutions to problems that before seemed hopeless... remember things about Kris that were special, and that I don't want to forget. I have also recently remembered how much I miss exercise, working out, anything that gets me moving and active. I always said I love ballet because it is an hour out of a full day where I am totally, selfishly focused on me and no one else... you can't let your mind wander or you will find and something out of place. While I have not gotten back to dance yet (because I feel I need to be a little more back to myself first) I have found I miss that "me" time. I need to devote time to bettering myself, not only for me, but for my family as well.

And then there is the list of things I avoid until I am further in on my journey... Harry Potter books and movies... Kris loved to read, so did I. These were one of the few books that we both loved. I miss nights talking about them, comparing them to the movies, speculating while we were waiting for the next installment. I have not been able to read them since he passed, when I would make it a point to read them once a year. I can't watch the movies... we would fall asleep to them discussing what we liked about them and didn't. (I did go see the 2 moves that came out since his passing, and bought them, but have only watched them the one) I miss shopping with him, he made a chore I disliked into a game in which I spent time with him... now I only do it when I absolutely must. Same with cooking, a chore he enjoyed, and one I still avoid... Cleaning. I have no one who appreciates the time it takes to keep it nice... so I don't bother. My room is a mess and the only one it affects is me... I wish I had him here to ask me to clean it. There are certain places I avoid because I only enjoyed them because I was with him, and he made it fun... Boondocks is the last place we spent our last anniversary. Fishing was his thing...a love he passed to the boys... but I can't go without crying... the mountains and camping... but I am determined to face that one in a month.

I am far from healed, and still have an open wound that needs constant protection... but it is healing and I am certain there will be a point in which it heals with a tender scar, and the need to constantly protect it from tearing open will be much lessened. But until then I am doing the best I can, and trying to find ways to heal... please don't forget me, and continue to be there when I need you... even if I forget what I need, and that I may need to ask for it.

Second year...

I had heard from several other widows/widowers and even grief counselors/therapists that the second year was harder than the first. I thought there is no way this first year of hell could be easier... I was wrong. I figured I knew that I got through one major loss, my mom, I could do it again. But I quickly realized it was because I had Kris I got through it. He was my rock through that. I am not saying I don't have support now with his loss, I do, but it is not the same. I don't have my other half with me at all times when I need him, I have my kids who are amazing, but need me to be strong for them. I have my family and his, but they have their own lives and things to cope with. I poured myself into writing after I lost him, and that was a huge comfort. I escaped and sorted out my feelings on paper, whether to him, God, or myself. I then filled my days with work and school, and became too busy for as much writing. And now that I have  taken off school for the summer I find myself with far too much free time. Time I thought I would use to clean and organize my house and my life, instead I spend it curled up in bed zoning out watching TV or movies. I am aching so much lately, and hate being alone. I have however reconnected with a friend that has helped. He has been willing to sit and talk with me about all my issues, and there are a lot! I am grateful for him and other friends and family who have been there. But I think I need to once again pour myself into writing. Although sometimes once I get going, I feel like I have written these things before, or that it sounds like poor me, and I don't want that. I want to see healing in my writing. I want to see hope. I want to feel something from Kris to know he is still around. At one point I thought I was ready to date, to get out there and meet other people, maybe take a step in starting a relationship, but the few dates I have gone on I have realized I am so not ready for that. I was using it to fill a void, that missing adult conversation and approval from the opposite sex. I got tired of retelling what happen to my husband to strangers. It was exhausting trying to keep up conversation at awkward moments. As I mentioned I reconnected with a friend and while we are "dating" in the loosed sense of the term, it is nice to have someone that knew me before Kris died and knows who I am and where I came from. It is nice having a friend who is learning to do everything alone as I am, and who can relate to what I am going through and who knew Kris. But who I feel no pressure to impress, and I can completely be myself. I can not wait for the day I can be with Kris again, but until then I am looking forward to the day that I find myself not trying so hard to pull myself out of bed in the morning, struggling to be productive. I am certain my tendency for depression doesn't help at all. But I am confident I will find not only peace and comfort eventually in my day to day life, but I am hopeful I will find someone to spend the time I have left on this earth with so I am not alone. I have always been independent, but hated being alone. I am grateful I still have my amazing kids around, they are often times the only thing that gets me out of bed in the mornings.

I can't do it all... yet I am expected to, and have to...

The past few nights, tonight included, I have sat up all night, trying desperately to finish some papers for school. I have tried to take power naps, I have tried to just power through them, I have tried taking breaks on different sites after "bribing" myself with goals. They still are not done. I have stared at blank screens, read articles 3 and 4 times not knowing what I have read. I have written these papers in my head over and over again, and yet I cannot get them to translate onto the paper/screen. Why is that?

I have so many other things in my life occupying my thoughts I don't think there is room for everything. I am feeling like such a failure because I can not accomplish all that I am accustomed to accomplishing with Kris's help, making meel so inadequate. In our new house I have done so much better at keeping it clean, and yet as this warm weather has hit, at the same time as finals, I have fallen way behind on housekeeping, and because I am embarrassed by the disarray of my home, I don't want to call my landlord until I can clean up, but the AC is not working properly. My oldest has so many things going on at the moment that I feel I am neglecting the others. With Dr. appts for his broken wrist, tickets for stupidity, going to a new school, and still behind in graduating I feel every free moment I am hounding him. I fall asleep worrying about him. Because of this worry, I have neglected to keep on top of my other children. I can't think of the last time I had my youngest do his daily reading. I was informed this week is parent teacher conferences, and I am usually so on top of things like that. I am finishing up the last of my financial issues associated with Kris, and that has hit on the same week as finals. I am feeling guilty for not pushing through to get done with school, but can see I need to take this break for my sanity.

I hate to think Kris would be disappointed in me, but I can't help thinking that, because I am so disappointed in myself. I feel like I need help, but other have their own lives and issues, how can I expect them to step in where I am falling short when I don't even know where to start asking for help? I know I need to take my antidepressants, I keep telling my kids to take theirs, but I am so bad at just remembering. I try to make certain I am there for everyone who is relying on me, but I feel I am always falling short. I am reminded of my shortcomings daily.

I feel like my worries and concerns are all crushing in on me. I have tried to make an effort to get out more, last year was such a blur I got through it in a state of numbness, and I can hardly remember thing that happened, because I choose to hide away in my house, unless someone dragged me out. I don't want my children to see me regress to that, that is not a good example for them, nor is it anyway to live. I am tired of seeing My oldest daughter hurting, and there being nothing I can do about it.

I need to find a way to balance things in my life so I can be adequate in all aspects of it, but how? I am tired of my emotions hitting so unexpectedly, uncontrollably, I am tired of not having Kris here to help both emotionally and with all the things I need to get done.

I never thought boy scouts would be such a trigger, but between the pinewood derby for my youngest, and an eagle court of honor for a friend I have nearly gone over the edge. Kris LOVED scouting. He would not have his boys miss out on any of the opportunities scouts offered them. Yet when I needed help with the pinewood derby as it hit around the same time as my school finals, and I knew nothing about it, none of the men in my family would step up to help, they all tried to pass the buck until my brother in law offered to help as best as he could. I know nothing about what needs to be done in order to earn his eagle, and yet, I need to find a way to motivate my oldest to get that done on top of getting his driver's license, and graduating.

I just wish that since Kris can no longer help me in my life where I need him, others would step in to help when they see help is needed, because it gets tiring asking all the time. And then I feel more helpless, and like more of a burden on others. I feel like overall my family has been pretty supportive and helpful, however I think they will never truly understand how alone I still feel. I feel silly asking questions on facebook or to others about things I am pretty sure I know I am making the right choices on, but I miss having that feedback, discussing it with someone. Having someone share a vested interest in every aspect of my life. I am just so tired of feeling so alone. I feel like I try to continue to be there for others as best as I can when needed... and I know people are there for me, but I wish someone was aware of my needs so I don't feel like I am continually begging for help. I think some people expect me to functioning back to normal by now... but it is nights like this I realize I am far from it.

I need to remember how much writing my thoughts out helps me work through them somewhat. Sure it brings on a flood of tears, ones I have usually been holding back for far too long. But it also gives me some focus and direction as to where to go from here. So here it goes, another attempt...

What to say?!?!

I have come here so many times in the last couple months, filled with mixed emotions every time. I have had so much I want to say, but it would never come out right, or I couldn't put what I was thinking into words. I think I ma ready to try this again... so we will see how it goes.
I have been so emotional lately, filled with so much anger, joy, understanding sadness, you name it, I have felt it in the past couple of months. I am really missing Kris, and I am struggling with the thought that maybe it is not so much Kris I am missing as being alone, as I have slowly been filling that emptiness with dates with friends. (I have only dated friends I have know for a while, or met a couple times at widow events... nothing serious, just getting myself out) I hate when I think that, I hate when I think I only miss him because I hate being alone. I know it is not true and that I do miss HIM. I know that when I date someone that has a characteristic so opposite of his... like someone struggling to figure out the tip, or any kind of math... or someone who has no clue what or who I am talking about when I mention a book or author, or when I really need someone to recognize when I am having a hard time... he could always tell. Anyone who knows me knows I am the biggest boob about movies... but when it comes to me and my life, I prefer to keep my emotions to myself, unless you are one of the few people I am close enough to that I will let my emotions slip out.
I have struggled with my kids, thinking I am doing what is best for us, but getting calls when I am 40 mins away and feeling hopeless I question my going back to school. I question whether I am raising them right, we talked about how we wanted to raise them together, but I never how to do it alone. What if I fail him, and them?
I question all my major decisions. Is it really the right thing to be paying so much for our home right now? Should I have downsized? What can I do to earn money? Should I let the kids get a job?
I know I am still avoiding the emotions I have been struggling to cope with, that is what I started this blog for in the first place...

Stronger?

I wrote and commented on here before about how tired I was of hearing how strong I am, or how good I am doing, and I thought how nobody knows how they would react if placed in the same situation. You do what you  have to do, when you have kids you have no choice. There are days I prefer to curl up in a ball and cry, but what kind of an example is that to my kids? I think at first I was tired of hearing it because it was a compliment disguised as encouragement, hidden as a reminder of what my life is now.
I think after 15 months I am ready to take that as a true compliment. (and for me that is huge, since I have never taken compliments well... and still don't. Kris would tell me to just say thank you... I still struggle with that) I have grown in the past year, in ways I would never wish on anyone. In my adolescent psych class we were asked at what age/point in your life do you feel you have reached adulthood. many said that although they are married and raising families, they still turned to their parents for advice/guidance, and felt like they needed to "answer" to them in someways. It was in this discussion that after 35 years of life, 4 children, and 2 close deaths later I have truly reached my adulthood/independence. With no one to answer to, my dad is involved in his new wife and stepson, and 4 children who rely wholly on myself for support, guidance, structure (even if they are teenagers and don't admit it) I have reached that point in my life. I am so confident in this realization, even if I were to marry and have another adult to lean on, I would still be at this point in my life... just with support.
I can see my growth, how I have become stronger, but that does not mean I no longer hurt. It does not mean I am not lonely. It does not mean I no longer need help and guidance from friends and family. If anything I need it more than ever with this realization of how truly alone I am now in this world.
So what inspired this post? I have been in school now for two and a half semesters, in the last couple classes I have been complimented for how I have handled what I have gone through. ANd again I am not sure how to handle the praise. I don't feel I deserve it. A simple thank you doesn't seem sufficient.

V-Day

It is Valentine's day. Kris and I didn't always do something romantic to celebrate, but he always showed me how much he loved me. One year we took the kids swimming, it was great, we had the pool all to ourselves.
One time I was so mad at him, he agreed to work on Valentine's after I had planned a nice night. So I went out and bought lots of sexy things to tease him with, wrapped it up cute and delivered it to work... just to show him what he was missing.
His birthday is the week before and mine 3 weeks later so often times when money was tight, we would choose one of those to go out, and the other two we would have a quiet night at home. He would even watch sappy movies with me, and pretend not to like them...
He was a wonderful cook, and would always make me wonderful dinners to surprise me, I think later in our marriage he preferred this to going out, because he was enjoying cooking more and more.
He was good about flowers as well, and he had a talent for knowing where to get the good ones that would last the longest. One year I got some for V-day that were so beautiful, and by my birthday 3 weeks later they were still in full bloom.
I miss someone coming up and giving me a hug and telling me I love you randomly. I miss the quick pecks letting me know he loves me. I miss the hot bubble baths waiting for me by candle light after a long day.
I claim to be a die hard romantic, but I was NOTHING compared to Kris. I think I preferred the shock value.
Surprising him at dinner that I wasn't wearing panties, and watching him blush and not know what to do. Picking him up from work in nothing but his trench coat. Stealing the keys to the car in a parking garage until after he kissed me all over to find them.
I guess I miss the crazy fun stuff we would do. And I miss being that important to someone. I know I am to my kids, but not in that way. And sure I am dating a friend, but I have recently realized that if I date someone with kids, their kids will always come before me, and rightfully so. I just miss Kris reminding the kids that I came first, and I need to be respected. He of course loved them above all, but knew that they needed to be reminded that he would always side with me, and that they should as well...
So realizing this, it has made me wonder what is out there for me? I do NOT want to live the rest of my life alone, but nor do I want to settle for anything less than I deserve... And who knows maybe this relationship I am slowing building just has not reached that point, and needs to be given time.
I hate that I have to even deal with these thoughts and issues. I just miss Kris, and wish he was back with me.

Dates/numbers

My lucky number has ALWAYS been 5, or multiples of 5. Why? Because my birthday is the 5th. When I met Kris he argued with me that 7 was luckier, it even was a joke with us for a long time. "I love you time 5" "I love you times 7, it is more, I win" "Quality is always better than quantity! I Win"So when it came to our wedding date, when one of the reception centers had the 6th available (it was a quick engagement) we knew it was meant to be... our compromise.

I have never loved math, but numbers and dates have always fascinated me. Like my dad is an Aquarius, and my mom was a Pisces, Kris was Aquarius, I am a Pisces, Our oldest son is an Aquarius, Our oldest daughter is an Aquarius. Some how it all made sense in my mind and fit together like some puzzle I only know about. Then comes birthday/deathday numbers... My mom was born 3/15/53 (all odd numbers) and died 4/6/08 (all even numbers). Kris was born 2/7/77 (even, the rest odd) and died 11/12/10 (odd the rest even) I know this doesn't matter to anyone else, but for some reason it sticks in my head and fits... making some kind of sense in a situation that otherwise would haunt me until I could make some kind of sense of it.

This is the thing that now has me struggling... My dad has remarried, his new wife's birthday is on the day of my mother's passing... 4/6. Some kind of a link to my mom making it work... I am dating a friend of mine I have known for most of my life. His birthday is the day after Kris's, one number different. It is so odd to go from a Tuesday missing my husband greatly and wishing he was here to celebrate with us, to Wednesday night having a party celebrating another year with his family. I am not sure what to make of this connection yet... but until then I guess I am just going along for the ride.

35...

He should be turning 35 today. He should be here celebrating with us. He should be telling me to get going on my homework. But he isn't, and he won't be. I made it through another of his birthdays without him...

Down

I have been doing really good lately, if I do say so myself. But these past few days I am really struggling. I feel like everything is reminding me of him and what I no longer have. Sure it has been 14 months, and I thought I was doing great... But I am feeling so low lately.
In one of my classes we have been discussing human nature, a topic he and I would debate often. I hated dark stories of an evil nature like lord of the flies, while it fascinated him. While I would never convert to his way of thinking, he had a way of opening my eyes so I could see past my happy blinders... but not too much to scare me out of my comfort zone. I miss talking to him and falling asleep in mid sentence... he would usually tell me to shut up and go to sleep.
I have wanted a good cry for a while now, but it would never come, despite "tricks" I would use to make them fall. I have sat in the shower as the water went from near scalding to freezing, but I just sit there lost, empty. I have gone to the cemetery yelling at him, mad that he left me, eyes wet from yelling... but the relief from the bath of tears did not follow. I sat in a restaurant, trying to imagine what he would say to me. His thoughts on books I am reading, trying to grasp any hint of how his mind worked, but nothing. I have written, even now, I feel the soft brush of a warm tear or two escape... but nothing like the release I have been begging to come.
I have still been seeing my friend. The kids will tease that we are "boyfriend/girlfriend" and that scares me. It is nice to have someone, and even feel them embrace me, but I worry I am using him to fill a void, and hole I am not ready to fill. I know he has been hurt in the recent past and wants it to go slow as well, but while I love the companionship... I am scared of it as well.
I just want him back. I thinkI can point to where I started going downhill when I went with my friend to a fireside... it was a really great one... about relationships. I had a great relationship, and I lost it. I have had many ups since then, but I feel like the downs are beginning to weigh down on me. I think I am going to take a break from "dating" but, I am not ready like I thought I was. Perhaps that was what I needed to see to realize I am not ready to move forward yet.
I just want to know when I will start going up... I am tired of this downhill slope.

grief

I am so emotionally confused lately. I think I am getting along pretty good, getting my stuff handled, handling kids as best as I can, and even experimenting with dating... then BAM I hit a major road block. My emotional dam I build breaks, and the floods come though. The holidays were very tough, and I did my best to make the best of them, but they were crazy with my school finals, and a move on top of the usual holiday fanfare. I came out of it all optimistic and hopeful, ready to take a step in a new direction rather than sitting feeling lonely all the time. Overall getting out and dating has been good, it has been mixed with an odd sense of guilt, like I shouldn't be having fun with another man, but I have enjoyed getting out and meeting new people. I would like to continue getting out, but these past couple days I have felt emotionally drained. I feel like I am drowning in my emotions. I am still mad and bitter with some family, and I know I need to get over it and let it go, but I am tired of being the one to get over it, just once I would appreciate an understanding ear, an I am sorry, a I can't imagine what you are going through, a I am sorry you have to go through this, how can I help?

I know everyone has there problems and are coping and dealing with their own lives and trials... even the same losses I have, but in different capacities, but I would think some things would be a little obvious, and I feel like a needy person when I constantly need to point it out. I am so happy for my dad who has found someone to spend his life with after lossing mom... but he now has a young stepson. before he would take the time to be there for my kids, and go out of his way. But now he is taking his step son, someone who still has a father to things that I know my boys would love to do, wish they could do with their dad, but won't be able to. Why can't he recognize that need? Why must I be the one to consistently point it out.

Our home, the last one Kris and I lived in together. It is my in-laws, and while I offered to leave, it was a rash emotional decision that I instantly regretted. When I apologized, and plead my case it was still so harsh hearing how he wanted us out. Out of the place we had worked so hard on as we were able. But the final blow was when I discovered that remodeling that Kris and I put lots of time and money into, as well and friends and family to help ME, was being torn out carelessly. I am happy now for the move, I think it for the best, but I feel like MY situation was never considered, and never has been to the extent I considered others. I turned down offers to move previously because I did not want to leave them in a bind. I feel like the reaction I got has shown me why I need to start looking out for myself first, and others second, an attitude I have never understood, until recently.

I do recognize these people in my life have experienced losses as well, the same losses even... but not the two close relationships I lost in the short period I lost them. My mom was taken almost 4 years ago, she was someone I could always count on, and talk to... even in the later years when we were not one the best terms, I know she was always there for me no matter what. She cared for the kids as much as Kris and I, if not more. She cared about Kris and I. When she and Kris were diagnosed with cancer within weeks of each other, and she passing shortly after, I felt that she knew if one of them had to leave me, she would go so I could still have Kris... Then 2 and a half years later he was taken from me as well. I know my siblings understand the loss of my mom... but they still have their spouses. I know my dad understand the loss of a spouse, but he is so wrapped up in his new marriage, I feel neglected. I know his family is mourning the loss of a brother and son... but they still have their spouses, and his sisters still have their parents.

I guess the main point of my ranting is I am tired of being alone. I am tired of doing the parenting thing alone. I met a good friend at a fireside last night and it was on relationships. It was an enjoyable night, and I enjoyed the company, but I hated that through the whole speaker I realized what a good marriage we had, sure we had our rough patches, but we stuck it out. I do feel he was battling with mental and physical demons that I am so grateful he is now free of... I just wish I wasn't left facing these new demons... grief and single parenting.

As I mentioned earlier I have been "dating" a good friend whom I grew up with. I am struggling emotionally with that as well. He is such a wonderful man, someone I have always truly loved... like a brother. I am so glad he and I have reconnected, he has been a great support to my kids. They were very apprehensive about me dating, and I think it was a comfort to them that while no one will ever replace their father, there are truly good guys out there for me to meet. He is the only person I have dated that I have let them meet, because I knew him before, and I know what a good man he is... he will be someone I can always talk to and willing to listen, because we were always friends, although we lost touch for a while. He is a single parent as well, but because of divorce, but there are similarities in our situations that make it nice to talk to someone who relates, especially since he knew Kris and is willing to talk about him openly.

In school I took an amazing class last term from a teacher who very brilliantly related the texts we read to our own lives. I am now taking another class from her, and oddly enough both of these classes (different eras of American lit) have begun dealing with grief. I am, in some ways, grateful I have a deep understanding of this topic to share my understanding of it... although I am tired of it being such a constant in my life. But to see these classic works as they relate to my life, and what I am dealing with is in some way a comfort.

I wish there was a time frame for this grief thing... I feel I am still coping with my mom's loss 4 years ago, and Kris's is still so new that little things set it off. I have heard it actually takes an average of 7 years to adjust to grief, yet I have also heard after the first year it gets easier. I know with my mom, and now Kris it was a relief to make it that year... kinda like we did it once, we can do it again. I am tired of the pain creeping up. Tonight was a night I just needed someone to hold me, tell me I am doing fine, and I will continue to do so. I sat wondering if it would be too much to go to my friend I have been dating and just ask for a shoulder to cry on for a little while, I decided that might be too much... so I came home and wrote. I am thinking I need to once again make this particular blog of mine a little more private... less of my personal information... a friend of mine told me I am brutally honest with my feeling here. I have decided that it is much easier to "talk" about my "feelings" in writing on a huge WWW where it can be lost amoung the other struggling bloggers than to face them in person with people who know me personally and care about me. to those of you who actually read this... thank you for your thoughts and concern... if you feel like you need to say something to me, do it on here, or email me... I do not want a "break down" in person if you confront me on things I write on here... I wrote it, it is now out of my system... that is how I have dealt with this, as I try to deal with everything... planned. I like knowing what is coming up, I would "schedule" my tears for when I was alone in the shower... if I could get them out of the way in the morning, they were less likely to attack unannounced during the day. But lately even though I try, the tears won't come, and I have attacks like today, where the tears won't let up. I think I am frustrated by this because it is such AWFUL timing. I was trying so hard to eat healthy today, try to loss this widow weight, but I just want to stuff my face with comfort food. I have so much homework that HAS to be done by tomorrow, but I cannot focus on it at all, the tears fall, and I have to dry them up, until something else set them off... i just miss him.

Getting out!

I have posted that I wanted to get out, and that I even have gone out... I was so grateful I had married young so I didn't have to go through the stress of dating and getting to know people to find someone to spend my life with! It has definitely been quite the experience in my few short dates. I have gone out with widowers still caught up in their grief to move on, gone out with some very polite, but much older men, and even been approached by some much younger men. I have been very flattered, and enjoyed the getting out... but I have so many mixed feelings about everything! I know Kris wants me to remarry and be happy, we both knew I would, I hate being alone. But I don't want to rush into anything. I have heard too many horror stories of widows remarrying and the divorce being much worse then being widowed. One of the men I have dated has been a close friend I grew up with, we both want to take things slow so we dont rush, and with our kids to consider as well... but I worry it feels "right" simply because we are comfortable, and it is familiar... I am tired of being alone, and it has been nice getting to know other people... but I hate doing this again. I miss having Kris here, I miss having someone to talk to, I miss having someone who thought the world of me, I hate the idea that I have lost that forever and I have to live the rest of my days settling for something less than Kris...