Down

I have been doing really good lately, if I do say so myself. But these past few days I am really struggling. I feel like everything is reminding me of him and what I no longer have. Sure it has been 14 months, and I thought I was doing great... But I am feeling so low lately.
In one of my classes we have been discussing human nature, a topic he and I would debate often. I hated dark stories of an evil nature like lord of the flies, while it fascinated him. While I would never convert to his way of thinking, he had a way of opening my eyes so I could see past my happy blinders... but not too much to scare me out of my comfort zone. I miss talking to him and falling asleep in mid sentence... he would usually tell me to shut up and go to sleep.
I have wanted a good cry for a while now, but it would never come, despite "tricks" I would use to make them fall. I have sat in the shower as the water went from near scalding to freezing, but I just sit there lost, empty. I have gone to the cemetery yelling at him, mad that he left me, eyes wet from yelling... but the relief from the bath of tears did not follow. I sat in a restaurant, trying to imagine what he would say to me. His thoughts on books I am reading, trying to grasp any hint of how his mind worked, but nothing. I have written, even now, I feel the soft brush of a warm tear or two escape... but nothing like the release I have been begging to come.
I have still been seeing my friend. The kids will tease that we are "boyfriend/girlfriend" and that scares me. It is nice to have someone, and even feel them embrace me, but I worry I am using him to fill a void, and hole I am not ready to fill. I know he has been hurt in the recent past and wants it to go slow as well, but while I love the companionship... I am scared of it as well.
I just want him back. I thinkI can point to where I started going downhill when I went with my friend to a fireside... it was a really great one... about relationships. I had a great relationship, and I lost it. I have had many ups since then, but I feel like the downs are beginning to weigh down on me. I think I am going to take a break from "dating" but, I am not ready like I thought I was. Perhaps that was what I needed to see to realize I am not ready to move forward yet.
I just want to know when I will start going up... I am tired of this downhill slope.