Not myself...

I have come to the conclusion that while I try my best to put on the appearance that I am doing well, and I am back to my busy self after the loss of Kris... I am not. I am simply imitating how I want to be, but in reality, I come home and curl up and sleep. I have many obligations that I have committed myself and the kids too, and while I am very busy, I cling to the idea of just zoning out. I feel like I am always exhausted and I am always playing catch-up on something, whether it be money, homework, housework, kids things... I am always falling short. It is like I crave that sleep, zoning out time because I am unaware for that short time of how lonely I am, and how much I miss Kris... but when I am awake, I am so aware and I just want to forget or pretend it didn't happen. I am almost 2 years out from that horrible day... I thought I would be able to function better by now. I think I thought the support I had so strong from outside sources would still be there. I hate asking for helping, or even admitting I need it, and the first year, people would just help, and not wait for me to ask. Now I feel like I need help more than ever, and even when people offer I can't accept it, because I don't know what I need, or where to start. I am the one who can get everything done, who has a lot on her plate, who finds time to make that extra effort... but lately I can't make any effort for me or let alone anyone else, and I need to.