Lately I have been a wreck, every little thing seems to set me off. But at the same time I am finally to a point where I can remember something about him and not collapse in tears.
I found myself at the cemetery late last night. ( I seem to always go late, I feel I can yell and say anything without others hearing it.) My latest struggle has been feeling so alone. I am so grateful that I have my kids with me, but sometimes despite the fact that they are around, I feel so alone. I hate the nights the most. It dawned on me just last night that the reason I don't sleep well is because I hate falling asleep alone, I hate waking up alone. It is easier to try to stay awake.
I am also wondering if I am throwing myself into dating too soon. I wonder if my loneliness is more missing him, or just the company. I know I am trying to fill a void. Late at night I will search facebook, when I see a group of friends I havent seen for a while I will invite them to lunch, dinner, anything to have something to look forward to, something to get me out of the house. Plus if I plan it when the day arrives I HAVE to go, since I planned it. Other times when I get an invite when the day arrives, I want to crawl in my bed and avoid the world.
Who would have thought there would be such HUGE differences between the first year out and the second. (And not just because we have moved) The first year I had friends and family trying to get me out, keep me social, checking on me. This year I feel like I have to be the one driving me to get out. I feel forgotten. The first year people were expecting the emotions to be right there, this year when they hit me or the kids, I often hear quietly "Hasn't it been a while", or "Isn't time they move on" or just that look, the look that used to be pity, but now it looks more like they are rolling their eyes in their head.
Also I am tired of hearing that if this were to happen to them they don't think they would date again, or could date again, or some other form of I can't believe you are doing that. Well then I hope you are never forced into this awkward position. While I am a very independent person and always have been (Ask my aunt, one thing she said to me after I lost Kris was, "Independent Alli is going to have to learn to ask for help". The first year I got really good at asking for help. I was confident in what I was doing was right, and wasn't over stretching my budget or myself. But now I find I am in a new house with a rent 3 times what it was before. I have felt many times that it was the right decision to move here, and had lots of confirmation it was right, but I hate to ask for help because maybe I am wrong and I did overstep. But I do know it was right to not have a drastic move for the kids right now. They needed as little change as possible. So when things get tight, I hate to even ask... since in many ways I put myself in this position.
I also hate hearing that the kids need to go work, get a job, help provide. They were forced into such an adult situation far too young, why would I expect them to put themselves into another adult situation before they need to be? I get they need to help out, and they do when they can. My oldest has been mowing lawns and doing other odd jobs as needed. But he needs to focus on school right now and graduating... he shut down after his dad died and has lots to catch up on... so why would I add a job to his stress. He is learning to balance many things, like school, and extra curriculars like the ballroom team, wrestling, and dance, all of which will help get into a good college. My oldest daughter has been babysitting and pitching in whenever she can as well... but she needs to focus on school too. I appreciate the advice, but as far as how to raise our kids, Kris and I actually talked about it quite a bit, so I know what his wishes were.
I miss arguing with him... trying to prove a point only to find he totally agrees with me. I miss someone caring about stuff I like, even if he didn't. The other day I was looking forward to the showing of No Doubt's new video... I just wanted someone to act interested, take an interest in something I was looking forward too... do you think any of my four kids would watch it with me? Nope... now kris would laugh at me and tease me for being so excited, but he would watch it with me, if only to humor me. I want someone to care about things I am interested in again... even if it is attached with his usual comment, "you know I really don't care right?" I know he could care less about a scrapbook page I made, or a video I liked, or even my ideas for music for work... but he would listen and tell me he loved me, and liked how excited I would get about things.
I haven't physically hurt from missing him in a while, but lately I have been aching, I have just curled up in bed more and more lately. I need to get out and live again... but it is hard when I am feeling forgotten. The kids are great, but they have friends they prefer to be with friends... and then they are finally home spending time with me, but want my constant attention. "Do my hair" "rub my back" take me to my friends" "take my friend home" "can we have mcdonalds" rarely is it about me. I hate to sound like a spoiled brat, or like I need some attention... but once in a while I do.
2 comments:
Hi. I am only five weeks into this horrible grief process so I am probably in no position to offer my thoughts but I want to anyway. It seems perfectly natural to me that you would want companionship (adult) like you had with your husband. All the things you describe as needing are probably exactly the things you wanted when you first began dating your husband. The same forces are still at work in you. I know he's the one you want. But since that's not possible, why wouldn't you want to look again? It sounds to me like you're sure you're ready to try. That sounds positive.
My husband was also a widower before we met. Now I know what he went through. I do remember him saying that after a long while, he finally said to himself, "I found that once; why couldn't I find it again?" Shortly after, he met me. I know how happy we were together. Just knowing that he went through this hell and managed to find happiness gives me hope for the future.
Best wishes to you.
I am so sorry for your loss. I want you to know it has gotten better. One day in the first year I felt I was not getting any better, but someone said the fact that there is more time lapsing between posts shows I have gotten through this. I hope reading what I have been through, and others who have been thrown into this journey has helped with your grief. I found writing about it helped me so much, whether it be memories, frustrations, or simply that I hurt. I wish you the best in your journey.
Post a Comment