Hopeless...

I have been doing really great... and then it hit. That crushing feeling of hopelessness that seems to suck the very air you breath away from you as quickly as it can, leaving you gasping for that crucial life support.

It started earlier this week as kids were getting sick one by one... then it hit me. After caring for them, and being at their every need, I just wanted someone to do it for me, just a little.

Then came the day of a huge test, for I had some time to kill, and I just wanted to call Kris to hear some last minute words of encouragement... but there was no one I could call to kill that time, or hear those words. Then after the test when it resulted in such huge mixed emotions (scored really good and high, except on one section, and had to have at least 19 on each section, my bad one was a 17) I just wanted Kris to be there, to tell me it was ok. But he wasn't and I sobbed the whole way home.

Then today, I have a great interview and qualify for a job that will be my foot in the door for teaching, and no one to share in my excitement. I am suppose to attend a widow conference, and I feel like I am so pressed down with these feelings lately that I can't bring myself to go... so here I am crying.

I am tired of making big decisions, and money issues, trying to raise these kids right, all on my own. I feel like I get through one major stress and I have 50 more waiting for me to tackle them... and I can't do it anymore...

I just want to curl up in a ball and be done... I either do nothing but eat, or I am so overwhelmed I can't eat. I have gained so much weight I feel so ugly and self hating lately. I know I feel better when I make myself exercise, run, or dance... but between running kids everywhere I just don't have the time. I think if Bren and Tay would hurry and get their license it would help... but then I worry I can't afford the insurance... plus I would need a second car, which I can't afford either.

I am overwhelmed with homework and wonder frequently what they was was I thinking going back to school... but then I realize I need to do this to survive... but it is so overwhelming and I feel myself getting further and further behind.

My house seems to never be clean, I am never home to enforce the help I need, and when I finally am home they aren't so I try to do it myself but something else comes up, or I need to go somewhere.

It has almost been 2 years! Can't I be done with this yet? I want him back!