Lately I have not been doing good... not sure if it is because we are approaching the 2 year mark, or because I am the only person pushing to keep me from curling up and becoming a hermit, and I am starting to lose this battle... but I am not in a good place.
I sleep, ALOT, just not good. every free minute I can I take a nap. Before Kris passed it was a sign of me slipping into depression, now I justify it because I don't sleep well at night. At night I toss and turn waking up often, or just lay there trying to fall asleep until I realize I have been laying there for hours and it is now 2 am and I have yet to sleep. Then on weekends when work is done I come home and sleep, until I realize I haven't fed the kids, and don't even know where half of them are. I am sure the neighborhood thinks I am the worst mom since my youngest is out until late playing with lots of friends... My other ones come and go with friends, but when any of them are here it is usually watching tv or playing on the computer... I am certain because that is the example I am setting.
I don't claim to have been a perfect parent before, but I am much further from it than I have ever been, and rather than snapping me out of this funk, I find it pushing me further into it, giving up, figure why bother. I make excuses for myself, and they are bad excuses too... like justifying naps as I am just tired rather than the depression I am sure it is. A headache that until recently would have barely been a hiccup in my day (I have constant headaches for as long as I can remember) now seem to require all day in bed. I have no reason to clean my room since before it was because Kris cared, and now it is just me and I don't care.
I justify TV because I need that background noise, I hate the quiet. I hate who I am and who I have become. I miss people. I miss friends making an effort to check on me. I was never good at asking for help, or admitting I need it... but I got better when Kris passed because I had to for the kids. Now they have become pretty self sufficient and I let them, and don't ask for help as much as I should.
I have people offering help and asking what they can do for me... but I hate to admit failure in any aspect of my life, and I honestly wouldn't know where to ask anyone to start. Money is tight for us, but I am sure it is for everyone, and time is valuable, so why would I ask someone to give up their time? My house need to be cleaned, but how embarrassing is it that I have more than capable people here who just don't care enough to clean. (Don't get me wrong, our house is not filthy or anything, just needs some order). I guess I need a friend who will just check on me, and ignore my arguments of offers to help... but I think I push friends like that away.
I have so many different friends, my dance family friends, my family friends, ikea friends, neighborhood and ward friends, old school friends, but I feel like I am still missing such a huge friend with kris being gone. I miss someone caring about things I care about if only it is because I care about them that he cares... I miss having someone that cares about me that no matter how busy he may get, I know he will make time for me, I miss someone to hold me and care about me to stay with me for hours listening to my irrational stresses and insist it will all work out, I miss that friend who knew when to tell me to snap out of it when I was being pathetic...
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