Healing...

In the past twenty months I have been on an emotional roller coaster that many days feels I am still riding. I have read articles, listened to advice from not only friends and family, but also those who have been on the ride, and still I struggle to find something that heals my wounds. Sure there are lots of band-aids that seem to hold myself together at the seam while I am trying to heal emotionally, but often something rips it off, revealing the wound, and reopening it, until I can quickly find another band-aid...

Some of the most common things that rip that covering off are seeing my kids miss their father, hearing friends complain about their spouse, hearing about parent's that have chosen to be absent from their kids lives, weddings, holidays, cooking, late sleepless nights, his favourite movie or book, or food... I could go on and on...

But what I wanted to focus on was what heals these wounds, and I want it known there will ALWAYS be a scar, he left a HUGE mark on our lives and that just doesn't "go away" as anyone who has lost a loved one can attest too, but there are things that heal the wound, not simply cover it, and I have learned the distinction between them as I ride this journey.

My band-aids for this past year, have been hiding in my house. Keeping overly busy with school, work. Driving, going anywhere but home where I again face the harsh reality that he is no longer there.  TV shows, movies, internet... media that benefits no one, but allows me to zone out far too often than necessary.

Recently I have realized what truly helps me heal. Devoting individual time with each of my children, it allows me a view into what they are feeling, and helps me stretch to find ways that helps us both. Spending time with genuine friends and family... not just "fillers' that fill a void. (Yes I have met a few of these, past friends who make it fill like the owe it to me or Kris, "dates" I have gone on, groups I fill like a third wheel being there.) Writing, I have realized in the past few months where I have done less writing I am feeling myself dip back into earlier days of these journey where I feel kinda helpless, and I have not been writing. Writing helps me see on paper how far I have come... help me see solutions to problems that before seemed hopeless... remember things about Kris that were special, and that I don't want to forget. I have also recently remembered how much I miss exercise, working out, anything that gets me moving and active. I always said I love ballet because it is an hour out of a full day where I am totally, selfishly focused on me and no one else... you can't let your mind wander or you will find and something out of place. While I have not gotten back to dance yet (because I feel I need to be a little more back to myself first) I have found I miss that "me" time. I need to devote time to bettering myself, not only for me, but for my family as well.

And then there is the list of things I avoid until I am further in on my journey... Harry Potter books and movies... Kris loved to read, so did I. These were one of the few books that we both loved. I miss nights talking about them, comparing them to the movies, speculating while we were waiting for the next installment. I have not been able to read them since he passed, when I would make it a point to read them once a year. I can't watch the movies... we would fall asleep to them discussing what we liked about them and didn't. (I did go see the 2 moves that came out since his passing, and bought them, but have only watched them the one) I miss shopping with him, he made a chore I disliked into a game in which I spent time with him... now I only do it when I absolutely must. Same with cooking, a chore he enjoyed, and one I still avoid... Cleaning. I have no one who appreciates the time it takes to keep it nice... so I don't bother. My room is a mess and the only one it affects is me... I wish I had him here to ask me to clean it. There are certain places I avoid because I only enjoyed them because I was with him, and he made it fun... Boondocks is the last place we spent our last anniversary. Fishing was his thing...a love he passed to the boys... but I can't go without crying... the mountains and camping... but I am determined to face that one in a month.

I am far from healed, and still have an open wound that needs constant protection... but it is healing and I am certain there will be a point in which it heals with a tender scar, and the need to constantly protect it from tearing open will be much lessened. But until then I am doing the best I can, and trying to find ways to heal... please don't forget me, and continue to be there when I need you... even if I forget what I need, and that I may need to ask for it.