Out...

Today has been a little easier, I went out with friends to lunch and a movie. It was nice going out and getting away, but I found my self talking about him lots. I don't think it would have bothered me, or I would have even noticed except the night before I had found a forum for widows. It helped to read about others dealing with the same issues, but several said their friends seemed to pull away, almost because they were tired of hearing the talk about the one they lost.

It just got me thinking, how could anyone who knew you and your lost one be tired of hearing of them? I am sure some stories would be repeated, however when I mentioned him it was usually in response to something we were discussing anyway. I don't think people realize part of the horrifying realty of this type of loss is the worry that people would forget him. My biggest worry is that my youngest won't remember as much about him. I feel like I need to retell his stories so I can always retell them to my kids. It is why when people ask what they can do I tell them to send my their memories of him written down.

I feel like my emotions come out when I write. I can express how I feel when I write, but I feel like this computer is consuming me. I search it for answers, comfort, support, things that just won't come from staring at a screen. There is so much that needs to be done and that I should be working on, but I feel like I am pulled online, whether as a release or to vent, or to keep me busy so I don't dwell on the things that hurt.

A few too many bad days

I am tired of hearing it will get easier with time... I feel like it is getting worse lately, and not just my emotions. My kids are pushing me, harder and harder it seems. I can't expect them to help with anything, unless I yell, cry, or call a family member to come be the bad guy. The kids and I always had our ups and downs, but there were two of us... he mediated between me and my similar personality child, and I did the same for him with the similar personality child. Now I just clash with both. These teens are now pushing and taking advantage of my weak moments, and doing things they would not ordinarily do. I want to throttle them.

Then there are my blow ups, they can be mad and yell and stomp off, but then have the nerve to be annoyed if I don't come home pleasant to them... they are not my husband and can't say that to me, they are the children and have to listen to me... I am trying to deal with it, but am struggling with how lately.

I feel awful because I blew up, swore, yelled freaked out... I took away an outing to swim... but then when I was getting ready to leave because I needed space, heard them fighting... I couldn't leave them alone to kill each other... so I gave in and we went swimming. Then dumb me let one of the pouting teens leave. What the hell was I thinking? How could I be so dumb? I am shaking I am so mad right now.

This all came after a late night of not sleeping... which contributed to a bad day at work, overtired and overemotional, broke down when a song came on the radio, then freaked out at the kids when I got home. They are not contributing and doing thier chores, which they never would have gotten away with had he been here. Then I blew up, and not nice, I was mean, a me I never want to see again. But one thing I said in that rage stuck with me, and I know it is true. My oldest was being a smart ass and said "Ask me nice" I lost it then even more. I said everyone else has had a turn to be mad, mad at me, mad at the world, mad at others... It was my turn to be mad. I needed to be mad, just not at the kids. While they were in school I would scream and yell and be mad then, It has been a week and a half, with them around, and I didn't mean to be mad at them, but I was. It was just all the things that lead up to it, a new bed broken, an inappropriate outfit trying to slip out of the house, jobs not even touched, and no effort to get ready for things I was planning.

I realized too late I took it out on the wrong people, and went into the garage and punched his punching bag, I hurt my hand and went in and told the kids to get ready... I figured we needed a fresh start with the night... so we will see how it ends.

Let the floods begin...

Because I posted earlier about my lack of emotion, now I feel the flood coming at every little memory. I have called these accidental memories, the little things that set me off as I come across them unexpected... I want to get my basement set up so that I have his flag and his awards set up so I have an intentional place of remembrance for him.

His boss called today and was able to get me 4 recording of him talking with customers, I recognized the number, but couldn't place it, it bothered me how fast I had forgotten it. I hate thinking "he would like this" because I can't even discuss it with him. I hate going somewhere and hearing them try to calculate numbers, because he would have had it figured out by the time they had typed the first number into the calculator. I hate listening to music and wondering who it was, he would have known and laughed at me for not knowing. I hate Harry Potter now, we would always fall asleep watching them and discuss what bugged us about the movies compared the the books... I haven't watched or read Harry Potter since, except when I took the kids to the new movie. I hate being alone. Sure I have the kids, but I miss talking to him, to my companion, how could he have left me?

I think I am dealing with it ok, and I'm functioning ok, then I get so mad at him for not being here, for not taking better care of himself, for not letting me be there and go to the doctor with him. I hate people pretending they knew him or knew how close we were, even other widows that think they are helping or think they know what I am going through. They don't realize all that he and I went through, we grew up together, we were together so young, we were closer than I think anyone ever realized, no one knew him, or understood him like I did, and the same went for him. No one knew me like him, he knew every side of me. My private self, my public self, the nice me, the naughty me. There is no one that will ever know me as well as he did, or ever will. I feel so alone. Not even my family or my kids know me. I have lost all the closest people to me, my mom, then my husband, in less than 3 years. My sister has been awesome, so have my close friends, but it is not the same. Part of me is missing, my better half that made me who I am, that made our children who they are, how am I suppose to continue that without him?

I think that is part of why I write to cope with this, because I have kept this pretty anonymous I feel I can write exactly how I feel. There is no other way to feel I can write with this raw emotion if I worried people would read this and judge me. Even still I find myself holding back, where I wouldn't with him.

It's not even the emotional longing for him that is hard, I miss touching him, sex, his touch, teasing each other, messing around in bed and fighting over dumb things, like him poking me, or farting on me, or if I would tickle his ear and it would make him shutter.

I told you the flood is coming, I can't seem to stop now, I miss him so much and I physically ache for him, I don't understand how god could take someone so important to me away from me, from our kids, and so young, he was such a good man, he had so much more to offer. And I know that is me being selfish, because he was in so much pain, emotionally and physically, and he would only let me know of such a small portion of it, and I did my best to help, but I know he was bearing much more than anyone should have to be put through, but he did, he did for his family. And silly me expected him to do it... perhaps if I wasn't so demanding he would still be here.

I hurt, I am in so much constant pain with this huge part of my life missing, but I hurt even worse when I see my kids hurting. They are young and will get through this, but why should they have to? Why should god have to test them with something as hard as this?

I hate being alone, so much that late at night I wonder if I will find someone else... then I feel so guilty for even thinking that, and I just ache more. I hate being alone, I hate not having him, I hate having to put on this false face everyday to show the kids we can get through this. I sometimes think this is the only reason I am getting through this, by putting on my false face and showing the kids we can do this.

You hear these things that god takes people who have served their purpose in their life... so what did god need him back so quickly for? what purpose does he have for him? I also hear god doesn't give us trials we can't handle, so what the hell have I done to show I can handle all these things in my life? a teenage pregnancy and young marriage, which we did, with 16 years of marriage and 4 children later that would have continued for years more. Then he takes my mom at only 55, I got through this thanks to my loving husband. I got through all these trial why the hell does he think I need to got through losing him as well? Haven't I dealt with enough? Perhaps I am not strong enough yet? If I prove I am strong is god just going to torture me more? I am not sure what else I can handle...

Numb...

I haven't posted on here for a while because I was getting ready for the holidays, but also because I think with so much going on with Christmas and stuff, I have gotten kinda numb again. I think it is the mind and body's way of helping myself recover a little so I can be there for my kids.

For a while I had to hold it in until the kids left for school, then I would lose it in the shower, which is great for washing away the tears. But the last week or so I have just felt kinda numb. That is the best word to describe how I am feeling. I have been close to losing it, even felt the tears start building up, but they never fell. The only time I have lost it even a little is when the kids lost it at the cemetery on Christmas, and when his grandma was asking how we were doing.

I feel guilty feeling this numb, where I am usually being teased for what a boob I am crying at movie previews even, I feel I have not shed enough tears for the loss of my husband. I tell myself it is just because I need to be strong for the kids, but then I worry I am going to break down and lose it when I am least prepared. Then I look back at events leading up to it and i think I knew as well, and had been preparing myself for this, but then I feel guilty if I had known why didn't I do more to prevent it? Maybe I have just hit a point where I am thinking to logically about it and therefore avoiding the emotional which I am so accustomed to.

Even now while I am writing about this which is hard for me to focus on and deal with, and usually I am crying over the keyboard, I am simply typing my thoughts, with little emotion spilling out. Does that make me cold? Perhaps he is just here with me helping me through it knowing how I hated how emotional I would get and is simply holding me together.

A good friend gave me an awesome gift that was very thought out. A full keyboard which I can carry around with me, and type my thoughts while I am out. Then simply plug it into the computer to download it onto my blogs and such. Perhaps with my writing being more accessible I can get back to my emotional writing.

The Little Things

I think I have come to terms pretty good with our loss. I am not saying it has gotten easier, or that I don't miss him. I have just accepted the fact he is gone from us right now, and I have to learn how to do this alone for now. I find I am coping well, and I am strong for my kids until something catches me off guard, or something small that reminds me of him catches my eye. At the DMV they were going through the screens of my previous license and I saw my old Driver's license pic, and I lost it. He had always loved that pic of me, and my haircut in that picture. It had been stolen.

The other hard part that I have gotten good at coping with in front of others is that initial reaction when someone he knew finds out. He made friends EVERYWHERE. The grocery store, Kmart, the Schwans man. It is hard to see their reaction when they find out... I almost have to make it into a business transaction mentally... then I get in the car and lose it. I don't think he realized what an impact he had on so many people.

That look of pity seems to get worse the closer we get to the holidays, I love the sincerity of people who truly have lost someone close and know what we are going through, they understand it is okay to talk about him, and that helps in healing. And the look isn't of pity, it is empathy because they truly know what we are going through. The pitying looks are hard to deal with, They are the people I avoid.

People...GRRR

I am one of those people who tend to think the world revolves around me most of the time. However being an adult, I have learned it only does this on rare occasions, and then I need to step back and realize there are other people, who have their own issues as well. That being said I do get where some of these "people" I refer to are coming from... but then again they are people who are close to us, so I don't.

As I said before as an adult I have realized that the world doesn't only revolve around me, but as a parent, I feel it should still on occasion revolve around my children. This trying time with our lose especially. They are what keeps me going, I need to know they will be okay. That is why these last couple days with silly people have bothered me.

The first: I was told I have to answer my phone when certain people call. I am dealing with a HUGE loss, honestly I don't HAVE to do anything, I chose to go to work so I can keep my job, I chose to take my children to where they need to go because I think it is important for them. And if I choose to not answer the phone while I am having an especially hard day I should not be given grief for it. I do understand your concern, and if it is important, leave me a message so I know what I am responding to. But since the 12th of November my phone rings continually, and I do have other things that need to be done other then repeating myself over and over again, answering the same questions everyone asks. I do understand you are just checking on me, and seeing how I am doing, but if you require a return call, TELL ME.

The second: Because of not talking or making time to be with someone, they are assuming they have done something wrong or I am upset with them. Again the world does NOT revolve around you! There is obviously something wrong, I just lost my husband, it has nothing to do with you. I also have 4 children who have various activities that keep us busy, I also have 3 jobs, do NOT get offended if I can't drop everything to be there for you, or talk to you. I have obligations I am trying to get through, and until we are a little further into raising my children alone, THEY are my top priority, not your feelings. I do get you are trying to help, and are having a hard time with this loss yourself, but I need to be able to raise my kids my way without having to justify to you, or be the mean one ALL the time. ( I am going to as it is, I don't need to be made to look like it by others)

The third: People avoiding talking to me about HIM. Believe it or not, I am ALWAYS reminded of him, even if it seems I am distracted by other things I am doing. It is more insulting for you to avoid the subject, or eye contact by being coy. I have not changed, I still like to chat, and laugh, it is merely my circumstances that have changed, and how I am reacting to them. I hate how people avoid looking at me, or if they do it is with pity. I hate that people avoid talking to me, and if they do it is without looking at me or simply asking the questions they want to know. It is more insulting that you pretend he didn't exist, or that you forgot him. It is the memories of him that helps us get through somedays. It is knowing that people will continue to remind my kids what they loved about their father so they can remember to love that about him as well.

I took the kids to a group session of grief counseling provided by the mortuary. I think it will ultimately be good for all of us, while some of the kids are not wanting to pursue it. There were a couple of things that were brought up that I thought were very helpful. One was to write our feelings and thoughts about our loved one we lost, and place them in a Christmas ornament, then we can be able to look at it a year from now and reflect. I couldn't make myself do it. It would hang on the tree as a constant reminder of who was not there. I feel like I am keeping up on this blog for that exact reason. Although I do not believe I have shared how I feel towards Him on this particular blog (I think I did on my family one so my kids could see it, this blog has become my "poor me" type blog, my personal feelings which is why I avoid names, and don't have my profile on here) Another thing I felt was helpful was a worksheet on traditions, where you could be prepared with what you can handle this Holiday season, and what you cannot. It felt a little lighter to hear it was okay to skip certain traditions. (Although some of which I had already planned on skipping, it was nice to hear it was okay). The last thing I really liked that I got from it was the idea of writing a grief letter. A letter to others telling what you are going through and what you need form others, whether it be space, time to cry, help with certain tasks. I think this is what brought up this post. I need to tell these "people" how I am feeling with this added stress, and what I need from them is to back off a little.

Thanks to my loved ones who read this and wouldn't take this personally and will look at it as a new widows venting, trying to make sense of something that will never make sense. Please understand I love all of you and just want time to deal with this my way.

Prayer

I have been struggling off and on with my beliefs in the church I was raised for a while now, ever since something was said to my husband, and it has continued with tension in our families, and then with the death of my mother, and especially since the death of him. I am struggling to see how this "plan" is something a loving God would put into action. He saw some horrible things in his time in the service, that made him question his beliefs, but then to have a leader tell him his opinion as doctrine pushed me over the edge. I still feel there is definitely something to the core of our beliefs, just not in people's way of living them all the time. I am tired of judgmental people implying they are better then others.

Some of our church leaders came over tonight to check on me. They came right out and said they understood I was the more "active" of the two of us... who are they to judge that? They didn't even know him, and they were judging him. Then they told me to find comfort in prayer... how can I pray to a God who took my love from me, and left me alone with our children to raise? I don't need people assuming they know what will comfort me and give me piece. I don't need to hear the subtle judging of my deceased husband, you didn't bother to get to know him, don't pretend you did.

Having a rough day

Not only am I upset about losing him, but add to it all the crap I have to deal with now he is gone, and that brings me to tears almost as easily. There are things that have needed to be cleared up for a few years now that we would simply put off, or work around that are now a necessity.

The part of clearing these things up that is bringing me to tears is the fact I get one thing accomplished and it doesn't cross it off my to do list, it simply adds 3 more things to get it done. I thought I had finally gotten somewhere today when I found someone more than willing to work with me and look into things to get it handled... so I thought it would be worth being a little late for work in exchange something crossed off... but I couldn't have been more wrong. Not only did I give up work for nothing I found they totally used my coming forward earlier to manipulate it to work for them... making me much more cross than before.

I am tired of being jerked around by incompetent people, and getting a false sense of accomplishment getting closer to results, only to find I am further away then I began.

I have to just keep putting it into perspective, it took years for some of these things to build up, and I can't expect them to work themselves out in a couple weeks. (wise words from a close friend) but regardless it is so frustrating... I feel like I am trying to pull my life together and move on, but I keep hitting major road bumps, and they are not all to blame on Him, but they are things I could have put off, or he could have dealt with if he were here.

MAD AS HELL

I took all the health classes in school, I know the process of grieving, but I am going through it my own way, and trying to overcome it quickly for the kids. It has been a month since he left us, and I just am mad at him, mad at God, mad at my kids because I feel like they are not helping with basic chores that would have been done if he were here. I am hurting and I can't talk to him to work it out and make it better I am feeling so alone lately and I am just mad about that too. When I had bad days before I could come home and curl up with him and he would hold me, and I would feel better... now there is no one. Sure we had our fights... but he was always there to come back to, or to talk it out with, or give the silent treatment to... but now I can't even work out my being mad with him... I want to scream, I want to hit, I want to yell, I just want the impossible, I want him back... it is not fair!!! How am I expected to get through this alone? I just want him back, I have been alone a month... not sure how much longer I can stand it... I miss him and want him back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

His View...

So I have lots of mixed feelings on a couple things. I have always thought I knew him best, and I still do, but there are little things I find out, bits and pieces, of things he would do, that I am not sure how to take... and not really even sure if it matters... but it keeps haunting me a little so it does matter to me.

To know where I am coming from you have to know about the first part of our dating... and he would hate me to tell this... I was a goody goody, never even daring to do anything one toe out of line... while he would push as far as he could, then push a little more. One time he I caught him drinking "water" (only it was a little stronger) and I had a little freak out... " I DIDN"T KNOW YOU DRANK, I CAN"T DATE SOMEONE WHO DRINKS!" to which he quickly disposed of his drink, and vowed not to drink again... I felt so loved, I had changed a "man" (he was still a teenager) for the better because of my love. Over dramatic, yes, but I was a teenager then myself.

There are things I have found out since he passed that have made me wonder why he couldn't confide in me. I had known most his secrets, and his weaknesses, why did he not trust me with other things?

Then I had a couple different perspectives on this. One mutual friend felt he was some how shielding me from these things, but went on to say "I think it was a disservice to you, because you were stronger than he thought and could have handled it" This line of thinking hurts simply because I think I should have been stronger for him, not so naive that he felt I needed protecting.

The other view is that he didn't want me to think less of him... this line of thinking hurts so much more... That he would have thought for a second that he could have done anything that would have made me think less of him... if this is the case than I simply didn't show him how much he truly meant to me.

I wish I could have just a little more time with him... there are so many things I feel were left hanging, whys, and how comes, and just one more opportunity to let him know how much I love him.


I thought I was doing pretty good today... but then memories of him would creep in, and distract me, making them my focus. I can't even remember what first set it off, the tears just came out of no where. Then after a quick breakdown, I regained composure and set out top finish my classes. But those damn tears were so on the verge, one slip into my thoughts and not my action, and they were right there seeping out.

I thought I had finished getting it out of my system when I got to my other commitments later. I had ran into an old high school friend who knew him as well, and I was telling her how he had passed... about a month ago. A MONTH ago. I still can't believe it has been that long, and it just hit me so hard, putting that time frame on it. I have not had him in my life for a month... not a day goes by I wish I could have better savored those 17 and a half years I had him. (We had been married just over 16years, but dated a year and a half before. And we knew we belonged to each other the day we met) we had joked on our anniversary we had been with each other more than half our lives...

The hole that was ripped from me the day he died has not seemed to heal, mend, or fill itself in any way... it has only grown. Grown a little with every thought of what he will be missing; weddings, graduations, grandchildren; all these milestones I will have to go through alone. It grows every time I think he would like this, or we should do this this, or when I realize it will always only be me now...

His Last Day

I don't know why I have felt so compelled to write this in detail, but I don't ever want to forget it. There is so much guilt involved in this, and yet I feel like I need to put it out there. I am putting this here where my it is more about me, and less likely to be seen.

The last night when I returned from work at night He told me to hurry downstairs, we were having a movie night, I argued and said it was a school night, and he insisted... I am so glad he did. He asked me to shave his head, it had gotten long for him and when it was long it was easier in the shower, once again he insisted on doing it that night, so I obliged. After I finished and He and I laid on the bean bag to finish watching Harry Potter 6 so we were ready for the new movie next week. He hugged me and pulled me in close like we did every night, it was our position to sleep in. He kissed my neck sweetly, and then as he often did playfully bit my neck, and hold me he loved me. I didn't realize this would be our last interaction.

I dozed off shortly before he did, but not for long. I awoke to his snoring. He didn't usually snore unless he was throughly exhausted and deeply asleep. I would usually have woken him up and dragged him to bed for a better night's sleep but I knew he had been exhausted, and opted to sleep down stairs on the bean bag. After about an hour of trying to sleep through his snoring, I gave up and went upstairs... something I rarely did, I hated sleeping alone, and usually couldn't, except that I hadn't slept well the previous night and I was exhausted. I had to work in the morning and needed sleep, I justified it to myself. How I regret that decision. I slept okay, not great, and awoke to wake up Him and the kids. I couldn't wake him up, which had happened twice in the last couple month's. He would get so exhausted and just need to sleep and catch up. He was still snoring so I thought he was okay. It is only after the fact I think back and wonder if it was really snoring and whether I should have called then. I called his boss and apologized and explained how he was over-exhausted again. Then got kids up and out the door.

I went down and tried once again to wake him up with no luck. I was still tired, and while he was still "snoring" I thought I will just lay with him a while. I remember laying by him thinking how odd he didn't pull me in like he usually did when I laid by him, but simply pulled his arm over me and closed my eyes. I remember fading off asleep and Him saying, almost dreamlike, "You can do this, if I am gone you can do this." I remember repeating "I can do this" and fell asleep.

Then I heard The door and woke startled, Kris was not snoring, it was too quiet, and he was not breathing either. His sister came down and we called 911. They coached us on CPR and arrived shortly and did their best as well. I found out later they said he had been dead for a couple hours... shortly after I laid by him and went to sleep. It haunts me to think if I had been more aware I could have prevented this... however it comforts me to know he went peacefully and had the faith in me that I could do it.

I hate thinking I simply laid there hearing him tell me "if I am gone" and I did nothing. I know I simply thought it was a lame dream at the time, but looking back it is the thing that will forever haunt me... could I have prevented this? I tell myself he wouldn't have wanted to be saved, stuck in a hospital room for who knows how long dealing with tests and things... but I think at least I would still have him.

I know it is not good to dwell on regrets and guilt, but I have felt for a couple weeks I needed to write these last few hours with him down, so I would never forget them.

I miss him more than words can tell, and while I try to paint on a positive face for my kids I ache. The only thing that hurts worse than the void I feel without him is the pain I see my children going through with this loss. I hate not being able to fix it, and they know all the lies I tell are just lies I have hurt. "It will get easier" "Time will make it easier" We just have to relearn life without him... and when he was such a huge part of that life it is too hard.

The Looks...

I have always loved being the center of attention, and still do in some situations. But as my brother put it best, this is NOT something you want the attention for. He could not have been more right.

The older kids wanted to get back to school right after, and the week leading up to his funeral. They would say funny things like how everyone was extra nice, even people who usually weren't, or that they didn't like the looks they got. I didn't understand what they meant until I got back to work.

I know everyone means well, and several people have helped, or offered help, and would at the drop of a hat. But it is the look that you get, the one that you feel penetrating you, with pity that is hard to take in. I hate being known for my loss.

Besides the pity in the look, there is the not knowing what to say. I know there is nothing to say that will make me feel better... so don't try, there is no obligation.

I hate how you can feel the eyes find you, scope you out, and there are always those certain trusting eyes, that make the tears come. Those are the eyes you avoid. I have gotten good at hiding, in rooms, behind doors, in bathrobes. You can even feel the penetrating looks through the phone. The awkward pauses give it away... I have gotten good at cutting people off and screening calls.

There are times I want to just pretend life hasn't changed and just continue on... and that is when it gets too casual and I mention Him. Then it turns awkward, I feel guilty for forgetting... and then the people I am with don't know how to respond. Then there are the times I just want to talk about Him... but then I start crying... and that just leads to more people not knowing what to say.

Then there is the hugging. How long and how tight is appropriate? I truly appreciate the love, but I think overall I was never a big touchy feely person... except with Him. But I have gotten good at hugs too... I have learned that sometimes that is how I am still standing... from others holding me up.