I keep thinking this has got to be a better year, but how can it when it will be a year full of firsts without him? It has been such a tough week. Lack of sleep, kids off, first birthday without him, New years with out him to kiss at midnight, lots of accidental memorials. Songs, clothes, people, I am not sure which of those caused the hard week, or just contributed, but I am not dealing well lately. I hate not being the strong one, I always did. I was the strong one when I lost my mom... I am the strong one for the kids, and usually was even when he was around, but he was always my strong one... and he is gone.
It has been a year of lots of tears in the last couple months... and we are still in shock... I know this year is going to be full of tears as well. I just need to figure out how to be strong for the kids and still be able to grieve for myself. I have learned a few tricks... but none have been fool proof.
I try to keep it light, memories of him especially, it is what he would have done and preferred, although not always easy to do. It seems the funniest stories of him are the ones that break me. I also try to get myself dressed up each morning. Nice clean clothes, hair done make up on. It is easier to wipe up my tear stained face if the makeup is still there and minor touch-ups are all that is needed. I also try to "schedule" my break downs. If I get it out of my systems when I am alone, like in the shower... there seem to be fewer tears left to shed when I see one of the kids having an especially rough time... now I still tear up, and lose a few tears, but not the sobbing I would do before I learned this "skill"
So it is with a tear stained face I look at the screen and finish writing my welcome to 2011... I hope it will be better than the last, while our memories remain clear. I hope to see many family and friends who will help us get through our year of firsts, we will need them more than ever. I hope we will continue to feel Him guiding us as we try to make it through this life without him. So here is to big hopes for the new year. I love and miss you...
