I am the one who is always teased for crying at the drop of a hat. My nickname given by a dear friend is sniffles. I love sappy movies just for the good cry. But now, I feel like I will myself to let it out, and it won't come. I joked about scheduling my break downs so I could be stronger for the kids. But I have not been able to weep for over a week. I am not as numb as I have been since we lost him... but not "whole" or even close either. Just wish I could cry, I feel like there is still so much mourning of him to do... but it won't come.
I leak a few tears when I see my kids hurt, but even then, they dry up quickly. I feel guilty for not being able to express my missing him with tears. I have often wondered if there is a limit to the tears... have I used up my stock pile? will I have to store some more before they will finally fall? I think I have accepted his death... pretty quick considering. I realize the more I analyze the events leading up to his passing, I knew. I knew his time was almost up... I would have thought that realization would have brought me comfort, but it seems to bring me more pain... not tears pain. I feel my insides ache, that I may have known, and never had the chance to express all my feelings, and ask him things I wish I knew.
I think I prefer the tears to this pain... the tears seemed to bring relief as they were shed... while this pain just feels like it builds. Builds and piles up with every new realization... I only hope it is building more tears to relieve the pain a little.
